


Guardian Spirits

by alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist, Sunhawk16



Series: Road Trip [14]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Lime, M/M, Original Character(s), POV Alternating, Pain, Yaoi, totally unrepentant Duosufferitis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-07-24 00:50:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 49,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16170206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist/pseuds/alittlepieceofgundamwing_archivist, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sunhawk16/pseuds/Sunhawk16
Summary: Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived atA Little Piece of Gundam Wing, which closed in 2017. With Sunhawk's permission, I began manually importing her works to the AO3 as part of an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017.Another Note from Dacia, the archivist: originally posted as 1 part. Part breaks are mine, not Sunhawk's.---------------[ note: + = POV change ]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Dacia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [A Little Piece of Gundam Wing](https://fanlore.org/wiki/A_Little_Piece_Of_Gundam_Wing), which closed in 2017. With Sunhawk's permission, I began manually importing her works to the AO3 as part of an Open Doors-approved project after July 2017.
> 
> Another Note from Dacia, the archivist: originally posted as 1 part. Part breaks are mine, not Sunhawk's.  
> \---------------  
> [ note: + = POV change ]

I was pretty much in a foul mood that morning, and I allowed myself to storm into my computer room, knowing that nobody else would be in yet. I come to work a half an hour before most of the rest of the building in order to have time to make sure all the servers are up and running. It gave me time to reboot things if I needed to before anybody was in to care. Just one of those little things that the Network Administrator took care of without being asked.   
  
Heero had, on the way to work that morning, revealed the fact that he and Wufei were leaving on an extended mission that day. Probably wouldn’t be back for a week or two. Nothing really unusual for a pair of Preventers. It didn’t bother me as much that they were going to be gone, as it bothered me that he had waited so long to tell me. I hated it when he treated me like I had to freaking be protected from every damn little thing. A little warning would have been nice. I do not think I am a prick about it when he goes on-site for an assignment. No more than he’s a prick about it when I have to go out of town to training or to a technical seminar. It’s not like I would have been pissy with him from the time he told me until he left. What the hell had the point been in _not_ telling me? Sometimes I could just smack him up the side of the head.   
  
I went through my little morning routine, opening up for the day, checking the previous nights logs, checking my e-mail. I let the familiar habits soothe away a little of my irritation, just trying to put it out of my mind. It wasn’t the first time we’d argued, and it sure as hell probably wouldn’t be the last.   
  
By the time eight o’clock rolled around, I had pretty well settled myself down and felt like I could deal with my staff without biting their heads off. It wasn’t their fault, after all, that my lover was an over-protective idiot with the inability to deal with emotional confrontation. It was a damned lucky thing he was good in bed.   
  
I was mildly surprised when Misty came storming into the room at eight exuding signs of a foul mood of her own.  
  
‘Uhhh… Morning?’ I ventured as she threw her purse into the desk drawer and viciously punched the power button on her PC.  
  
She looked at me, a little apologetically. ‘Sorry, Boss-man,’ she grinned faintly. ‘Bad morning.’  
  
‘Seems to be the way of things today,’ I empathized, tossing back my own half-hearted grin.  
  
‘You too?’ She pulled out her chair and threw herself into it, slumping down and watching her PC boot up. ‘What’s the matter?’  
  
I laughed. ‘Oh… ladies first.’  
  
She smirked at me. ‘Goody! A bitch session! _You_ first.’  
  
I smiled; the banter, oddly enough, making me feel better. I turned toward her and stuck my fist out, she rolled her eyes and stuck hers out as well, and we played a round of rock, paper, scissors to see who started. Don’t ask me where these strange little things come from; I have no real memory of how this ritual got started.  
  
She has no idea that I can tell from the way her wrist muscles tighten which move she is going to use. I make it a point not to win all the time, and she doesn’t suspect. I won this time.  
  
‘You first,’ I declared and she stuck out her tongue.  
  
‘Well, you know that Justin and I were supposed to be going to the Screaming Wombats concert this weekend?’  
  
I rolled my eyes; I think I have a fairly eclectic taste in music…but the Screaming Wombats?   
  
‘You’ve only been talking about it for the past month,’ I teased. ‘Your first trip away from home, just the two of you since Carrie was born.’ I didn’t have to point out that Carrie was now _four_ , excuse me; _four years old._

Her face waffled back and forth between, ‘ _I’m going to cry’_ and ‘ _I’m going to kill somebody_ ’ and she finally blurted, ‘Justin’s stupid sister was supposed to keep Carrie for the weekend and she called this morning and backed out.’  
  
I made that weird groaning noise you make when you’re trying to be sympathetic. ‘Well that completely sucks.’  
  
‘Tell me about it. The tickets are paid for and I’m going to lose the deposit on the hotel room and everything.’ She sighed heavily and then she grinned. ‘Your turn.’  
  
‘Well,’ I murmured, ‘as it turns out, my irritation of the day may just be a solution to your irritation of the day.’  
  
So I whined about Heero dumping his news on me at the last minute, pointed out that I now had absolutely nothing going on for the next week and a half to two weeks and would be more than happy to baby-sit my Goddaughter for the weekend.   
  
‘Oh Gods, Duo!’ I thought she was going to cry. ‘Do you mean it?’  
  
‘If….’ I warned, ‘you clear it with Justin first.’  
  
She sobered. Her husband had not been all that enthralled with me since the St. Bernard incident. Come on; can’t a guy buy a puppy for his only Godchild?  
  
Paul came in not long after that, and I found something for the two of us to go do so that Misty could have some privacy to call her hubby and do her best to convince him that I was trustworthy enough to watch his little Princess for two or three days. I didn’t really want to be around to hear how much she had to cajole. I gave it a good half an hour before Paul and I went back into the room, and the solar flares and moonbeams emanating from her face gave me my answer. I now had plans for the weekend.  
  
She smirked at me. ‘There’s a few… rules, Boss-man.’  
  
‘Hit me with them, Number One.’ This should be good; let’s see if good ol’ Justin left me any loopholes.  
  
‘When we come home, we do not have anything living at our house that wasn’t there when we left.’  
  
‘Done,’ I nodded. I had learned a thing or two from the puppy incident, ok?  
  
‘We will write up a pre-set menu for Carrie. No caffeine. No chocolate. Limited sugar.’  
  
I rolled my eyes, but nodded. I heard a stifled snicker from Paul’s direction and had to take a moment to glare at him.   
  
‘No extravagant, outlandish gifts.’ She had the grace to look a little embarrassed, and I was sure this list was generated straight from Justin.  
  
I hesitated. ‘Define extravagant.’  
  
‘Nothing bigger than a breadbox or more expensive than a damned paycheck.’  
  
I hid the feral grin, appearing on the outside to nod in resignation. Good try Justin my boy, but that left all _kinds_ of loopholes.  
  
Her eyes dropped as she muttered, ‘He doesn’t want to hear any complaints from the neighbors.’ At least she had stopped pretending these were anything but his ideas. I only raised an eyebrow on that one, not deigning to speak.  
  
She hesitated slightly, then said in a rush, ‘No structural changes to the house.’  
  
Paul laughed out loud. I didn’t have to glare at him; Misty did it. ‘I didn’t make this shit up, ok?’   
  
‘Is that all?’ I queried with a raised eyebrow and she nodded sheepishly.  
  
‘I think I can stay within the confines of the… regulations,’ I assured her. She beamed.  
  
All for the sake of the Screaming Wombats; go figure.  
  
Arrangements were made for me to be at her house that evening at seven, with bags packed and bells on. I found I was actually looking forward to it. I enjoyed Carrie’s company; she was a sweet kid. So unlike all the other children I had known in my lifetime. Untouched by a war that had ended before her birth. I cherished that.  
  
My phone rang during the noon hour and I saw Heero’s extension on the display. Misty and Paul were both out to lunch, and being alone, I was suddenly overtaken with a perverse mood, and I let it ring. He was only calling to apologize and say goodbye before they left for the shuttle port. I was still stinging enough from the morning that I just didn’t want to hear it. I wasn’t quite ready to be over it, but at the same time, wasn’t quite mad enough to take the argument up again. So I watched it ring, watched it stop, and stared at it until the message light came on. And yes, I scooped it up on the first flash of the damned little green light.   
  
‘Duo…’ There was a heavy sigh. ‘Damn it…I hate these things.’ Meaning the voice mail. There was a pause, I knew he was debating hanging up. ‘Love… I’m sorry. It was wrong of me… I just… can’t stand to see that look on your face…’ I heard a voice in the background that sounded like Wufei, probably telling him to hurry up, there was another sigh. ‘I can’t do this on a stupid machine… I’ll call you tonight… Duo, I love you.’  
  
I played the damn thing three times and then deleted it. Stop laughing; I know I’m pathetic.  
  
It had been a really stupid argument and I knew it. I don’t really know if I was even still mad. Not even really hurt, just a little stung. A little irritated. Heero had done something stupid. I had over-reacted. We’d had some words. Not the first argument we’d had in our long history together, and I’m sure it most certainly would not be the last. As sure as the Gods made little green apples; it wouldn’t be the last.  
  
I dialed his extension and, of course, got his voice mail. I’d missed him. He checked his voice mail while out of town like other people breathed.  
  
‘Heero…’ I put the grin into my voice for him. ‘Heart and soul… _asshole_.’ And I hung up.  
  
It didn’t take much to mend things when you’ve been together as long as we have. By the time he got home, the whole thing would be forgotten.  
  
The rest of the day went by fairly quickly, the high-light of the afternoon coming when we got to make fun of the guy in Accounting who spent fifteen minutes trying to login to the network with his caps lock key on. He fumed and yelled about us locking his account out for a good five minutes. It was sheer bliss to watch Paul calmly reach over his shoulder and almost gently press that single key and politely ask the man to try just one more time. His face turned the most interesting shade of red I have ever seen. It was worth the trip to the second floor just to watch. It probably wouldn’t have been near as funny if it hadn’t been the third time it had happened in the last month.  
  
I went home in a much better mood than I had been in when I arrived that morning, despite the long drive home alone. Though I did take advantage of it by rolling all the windows down and turning the stereo _way_ up. Something Heero had never developed an appreciation for.   
  
Whatever irritation I had left over vanished when I arrived home, walked into the bedroom to pack and found the roses lying on my side of the bed. A single red and a single white, bound together with a ribbon. The flowers themselves were enough to lighten my mood, but what really put the grin on my face was the mental picture I had of Wufei’s face as he rolled his eyes and growled in exasperation about the stupid delay. I could almost hear him telling Heero that they were going to miss the damned shuttle if he didn’t hurry the hell up! I put the roses in water and set them in the middle of the kitchen table. I chuckled the whole time I was changing clothes and packing.   
  
Misty and I had discussed dinner for the evening, and Carrie and I had been granted permission to order pizza delivery. Heero was not a huge fan of pizza, and hated having it delivered. It creeped him out to imagine his dinner being handled by some delivery driver for however long it took to get to the apartment. I think he’d seen one too many exposes on TV. On the rare occasions that he would consent to pizza, we could order it out, but he always went to pick it up. Kind of took the fun out of it, if you asked me. The whole point to pizza, as far as I’m concerned, is that somebody else is doing all the work and then bringing it right to you. Thirty minutes or free and all that. I usually had pizza at least once whenever he was out of town.  
  
I drove over to Misty and Justin’s, arriving promptly at seven. I didn’t have to knock, the minute I pulled up, there was the sound of furious, high-pitched puppy barks from within, mingled with high-pitched childish squeals. My Godchild is kind of fond of me, ok? So’s her dog. I honest to the Gods think that’s what really bugs Justin about me; his dog likes me better than him. I encourage this. I spoil the puppy almost as much as the kid; there were puppy treats in my jacket pocket. Carrie’s present was tucked into my duffle bag, where it would stay until her wet-blanket parents were on their way. I had not spent an entire paycheck on it. Almost, but not quite.  
  
‘Unca Duo!’ came the shriek as the front door flew open and my Goddaughter was charging out and leaping off the porch, utterly confident that I would catch her.   
  
She is the spitting image of her mother, from the curly, unruly hair, to the grin plastered all over her face. She has her father’s eyes, and I think she’ll have his height, but her exuberance is all Misty’s.  
  
The barking puppy joined us, doing his best to jump up into my arms as well, or at least high enough to get at the jacket pocket that he knew held his treat. He wasn’t much of a puppy anymore; growing fast. But then, he was a St. Bernard. He could almost reach the pocket after putting his front paws up on my thigh.  
  
‘Down, Bernie,’ I commanded; best nip this behavior in the bud before he got big enough to knock my ass over.  
  
He sat obediently; tail wagging so hard his whole back end was wiggling, and waited until I gave him his treat. Then the three of us went in the house.  
  
Carrie’s parents were waiting almost impatiently for us in the living room. I blinked at the sight of my assistant Network Administrator in a dress. A low cut, black sheath dress no less, with pearls.   
  
‘Isn’t Mommy pretty, Unca Duo?’ Carrie beamed at her mother from her perch on my left hip as though it were somehow her doing.  
  
I smirked at the two of them, standing there dressed to the nines and more than ready to be on their way, ‘Ok, who the… _heck_ are you and what have you done with Number One?’  
  
Misty blushed all the way down to…all the way down the front of her low cut dress. Justin slipped a somewhat possessive arm around her waist, and just for giggles, I checked him out as well; just to make him squirm and remind him that I _really_ didn’t have any interest in his wife.  
  
Their car was already packed, and I only had to stand and listen to the standard ‘this is where we’ll be, call if anything comes up’ speech. Dinner and dancing tonight, concert tomorrow night; here are the numbers… blah, blah, blah. Carrie and I stood in the driveway and waved until the car was out of sight.  
  
There was a tiny little moment where I saw her lip tremble and I felt a twinge of panic. I aborted it with a cheery, ‘Ready to call the pizza delivery guy?’  
  
‘Yeah!’ We raced back to the house, Bernie dancing around us, intent on making somebody fall down where he could reach their faces. I foiled Bernie and still managed to let Carrie win the race.  
  
I splurged, and ordered us a pizza each because I intended to enjoy this, damnit, and I really do not like plain cheese pizza.   
  
We put in the ‘Labyrinth’ disc and skipped through it to all the musical numbers so we could dance. I ‘heard’ the pizza delivery guy every five minutes and kept her running back and forth to the door to check. That, by the way, is the secret Duo Maxwell babysitting method; utterly foolproof. Wear the little buggers out so completely they pass out at bedtime without the energy to argue.  
  
We danced to the door when the pizza finally arrived to ‘Magic Dance’, ignoring the drivers rolling eyes. I tipped him well enough, and he went away smiling.  
  
I locked Bernie in the utility room so we could eat on the living room floor and we started the movie over from the beginning to watch while we ate. We cheered for the fox, and yelled for Sarah to just freaking turn _around_ for once, and held our noses the whole time they were in the bog of eternal stench. Clapped whenever Bluto made the rocks move and booed the Goblin King. When the pizza was gone, we let Bernie out, and he ran in happy circles around the whole house before coming to flop down on the floor beside us.  
  
Then was cleanup time and then was bedtime. I had no trouble getting her to run off and get changed for bed after she saw the package that I pulled out of my duffle bag but wouldn’t let her have until she was in her pajamas and her hair was brushed. I know a little something about kids. Especially kids you are not going to have to live with constantly. Her nice, normal, slightly strict parents were more than enough to counterbalance my occasional extravagances.  
  
You know what a Steiff is? I didn’t the first time I saw one. I just saw this absolutely gorgeous teddy bear. I wanted it for Carrie the instant I saw it; it was the same color as her hair and had the same rich chocolate brown eyes. It had a big green ribbon around its neck, which just happens to be Carrie’s favorite color. Then I saw the price tag and I believe Heero had to reach out and push my jaw back in place. I love teddy bears, ok? Never had one. I really wanted to get Carrie a teddy bear, but I wanted it to be perfect, and this one fit the bill. I walked away from that stupid bear five times. The sixth time I stopped to look at it, two months later, Heero picked it up off the shelf and plopped it in my hands.  
  
‘Just buy the damned thing, will you?’ he had grinned at me.  
  
And I had. My conscience was still stinging.   
  
I let her unwrap it just before her bedtime story. Her eyes grew wide and she squealed with that happy, childish glee that kids lose by the time they get to be six or seven and they suddenly become aware that people are watching them when they open packages. At four, you still got the unadulterated, honest reaction and big sloppy kisses if you’re lucky. I got a hug too.  
  
She promptly named the thing ‘Dirt’ because that was what his color reminded her of. I laughed until the tears ran down my face and she giggled with me, not really understanding why we were laughing so hard.  
  
Then I tucked her in under the quilt I had made her when she was born and settled down to tell her the story of the Princess and the five Guardian Spirits. You don’t think that Duo Maxwell would just read any old fairy tale, do you? Hell no; I made up _all_ the stories I told my Godchild.   
  
‘Unca Duo?’ she asked me when I got to the part where the great bear spirit completed the first quest to win his way through the first portal where he met the great hawk spirit.  
  
‘What, munchkin?’  
  
‘How come you’re so happy?’  
  
I blinked at her for a minute. ‘What makes you think I’m so happy?’  
  
‘Daddy says you are.’  
  
I’m slow, ok? It took me almost a full thirty seconds before I processed it and figured out the slight miscommunication between father and daughter.  
  
I laughed out loud, confirming for her that I was, indeed, very happy.  
  
‘I guess,’ I told her with a grin. ‘I’m happy because Uncle Heero loves me so much.’  
  
She let me go back to the story then, and I told the part where the great bear and the great hawk had to join forces to complete the second quest in order to open the second portal where they teamed up with the great wolf spirit. Then I kissed her goodnight and turned the light off. She was asleep before I got back to the living room, Bernie at my heels.  
  
I settled on the couch and flipped on the news to check the weather. I was thinking about the zoo tomorrow, but wasn’t sure if it was going to be clear or not.  
  
My cell phone rang promptly at ten and I pulled it out, noting Heero’s number before answering it with a soft, ‘Hey.’  
  
‘Are you all right?’ His voice sounded strained and I realized he had probably called the apartment first.  
  
‘Fine,’ I chuckled at him. ‘You left me high and dry so I made other arrangements.’ I left only the slightest pause. ‘I’m babysitting Carrie for the weekend.’  
  
Relief was plain in his voice. ‘I was worried when I didn’t get an answer at home.’ There was another pause, ‘Duo…I’m sorry. I…’  
  
‘Let’s not,’ I told him warmly. ‘I don’t want to get started again.’ I chuckled, ‘I mean; we’re happy, right?’  
  
He could hear in my voice that there was a story here and prompted, ‘What?’  
  
So I told him about my conversation with Carrie and we laughed lightly together.  
  
‘You know,’ he said at length. ‘Justin really is an asshole.’  
  
I snorted. ‘Oh, I don’t know.’ I thought about it, ‘There must be _something_ to the guy. I mean, Misty loves him.’

It was his turn to snort softly. ‘There’s just no accounting for taste. I don’t like his attitude toward you. He never hesitates to use you whenever he needs a babysitter or…’  
  
‘Heero,’ I admonished softly and he quieted with a sigh, it was an old argument. ‘Besides,’ I grinned, ‘he did _so_ hesitate,’ and I told him about the list of rules.  
  
He laughed out loud then and I had to smirk. ‘I got him though; I gave her the bear tonight.’  
  
‘What did she think?’ he asked, and I was pleased that his thoughts were on Carrie, and not Justin.  
  
‘She loved it,’ I chuckled wryly. ‘She named it ‘Dirt’.’  
  
That got me another hard laugh. ‘Children certainly know how to put things in perspective, don’t they?’  
  
There was a small, companionable silence and then, ‘Duo… I love you.’  
  
I smiled up at the ceiling and scratched Bernie behind the ear. ‘I love you too.’  
  
‘Even if I’m an asshole?’   
  
‘Maybe because you _are_ such an asshole,’ I teased lightly.  
  
‘I wish I was there,’ he said softly then.  
  
‘Hey,’ I told him, ‘you’re the one who left me, remember?’  
  
The next silence was strained.  
  
‘Heero?’ I ventured into it. ‘Come on, Heero; I was teasing. I got over it, ok?’  
  
‘I didn’t,’ he told me gently. ‘I feel awful. I don’t even really know why I didn’t tell you.’  
  
‘Because,’ I informed him with a sigh, ‘you can’t stand to upset me or make me sad. And your going away always makes me sad.’  
  
‘That…’ Did you know you could hear someone blush? ‘That pretty much covers it, I guess. Sounds pretty stupid when you put it that way.’  
  
‘It sounds sweet,’ I smiled. ‘Damned annoying; but sweet all the same.’  
  
‘I want you in my arms,’ he breathed softly, and I shivered; I could hear his need clear across the miles.  
  
I closed my eyes. ‘I’m there, my love.’ We just sat for a bit and listened to nothing, just having that open line between us.  
  
‘Hey, the roses were… a nice touch. Thank you,’ I told him and he made a small grunt that sounded pleased. There was more comfortable silence.   
  
‘Where are you sleeping?’ he asked after a while.  
  
‘On the couch,’ I said dryly. ‘I can’t stand the idea of sleeping in their bed; it’s just… weird.’  
  
He chuckled. ‘Stay warm,’ he told me in a voice designed to raise the temperature.  
  
‘No problem there,’ I purred. ‘I have Bernie.’  
  
It took him almost two heartbeats. I thought I would choke to death.  
  
‘The dog,’ he said when it finally clicked in his head.  
  
‘Who did you think I meant?’ I asked innocently.  
  
‘You are evil, Duo Maxwell.’ I could hear the grin.  
  
‘Good night, love,’ I said gently.  
  
‘Good night, my heart.’  
  
And we hung up. Shit. I had missed the weather. So I sat up another hour only to find out it was probably going to rain.   
  
I lay down on the couch to sleep and decided pretty quick that Bernie was going to be more of a liability than an asset. Warm he might have been, but he also drooled, he was getting damned heavy, and frankly… his breath smelled.  
  
I woke the next morning feeling like I’d been beaten with a stick and decided that tonight Bernie was sleeping in the garage. On a strange whim, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Heero’s voice mail.  
  
‘Get your damned assignment finished and get your butt home. As a bed partner, Bernie _sucks.’_ And I hung up.  
  
I am not foolish enough to wake a sleeping child, especially on a Saturday, and managed a couple of peaceful hours before Carrie came wandering out yawning and dragging Dirt behind her.   
  
Her eyes widened in remembrance when she saw me, ‘Unca Duo!’ and I was treated to another running tackle as though she hadn’t seen me in days.  
  
We had cereal for breakfast and watched cartoons for an hour or so. I could not believe that coyote _still_ after all these years hadn’t caught that stupid roadrunner. Go figure. I’d always had him pegged as the brighter of the two. I guess it just goes to show that dumb luck can take you a long way. I’d always had a certain affinity for the coyote. But I really think he should have just sued Acme and _bought_ himself a good meal.  
  
I aborted the trip to the zoo, because it was threatening rain, and we went to the museum instead. Hey, I’m not a complete waste as a Godfather; I occasionally do educational things too. We had a blast in the dinosaur exhibit, I got the pre-requisite picture taken of us in the mouth of the T-Rex, we got down in the sand pit and dug for fossils, I bought us ice cream. Then we wandered into the aerospace section and I thought somebody had punched me in the stomach.  
  
As you round the curved wall that separates the dinosaur exhibit from the space section, you are greeted with a full size, floor to ceiling, artists rendering of Wing Gundam self-destructing. The artist had done a damned impressive job. I almost threw up. I stood and blinked up at it, turned to stone in the middle of the aisle; an obstacle in the flow of people.  
  
It took Carrie tugging on my hand to bring me back to the here and now.  
  
‘Unca Duo, come _on!_ ’ A happy, four-year-old, not all that interested in looking at murals when more interesting things beckoned from further on.  
  
I let her drag we away, but had to find a bench after a couple of minutes because I thought my knees were going to give out.  
  
A tiny bit of advice for you; don’t ever let one of the darkest moments of your life turn into a piece of history.  
  
There was a mock up, cut-away model of a Leo in the middle of the room and I let Carrie go crawl around in it with the other kids while I tried to put my heart back in my chest. I couldn’t believe how the years had just melted away and hauled my ass back to the war. I looked around at the rest of the exhibit, and decided pretty quickly that we were going to have to leave there and get on to the botanical gardens. Soon.  
  
But first, there was something I had to do. I felt extremely embarrassed about it, but I didn’t bloody well care. I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Heero’s number. I knew he was probably in the middle of something, but I also knew he would never ignore my call.  
  
‘Hello?’ I heard his voice, tinged faintly with concern and I felt the iron band around my chest loosen and I was able to breathe again.  
  
‘Busy?’ I asked softly, and I knew my voice was a little unsteady. My eyes never left Carrie as she clambered around inside a replica of a death machine that had tried to kill me a hundred times over.  
  
“Never,’ he said and I could hear him moving. I knew he was probably leaving a meeting or something and I felt vaguely bad about it.   
  
After a few moments, his voice came again. ‘What’s wrong?’  
  
I sighed. ‘Nothing really,’ I reassured him, and a slightly hysterical bubble of a laugh tried to force its way passed my lips. ‘Just needed to know what year it was.’  
  
‘Duo?’ he questioned, his tone telling me I was scaring him.  
  
I took a deep calming breath. ‘I’m sorry love… I’ll tell you all about it when you come home. I just… I had to hear your voice. That’s all.’  
  
I could tell he was still concerned and I really did start to feel guilty for bothering him. Now that the shock of it was fading, I was starting to feel kind of stupid. Carrie chose that moment to run over.  
  
‘Unca Duo! Who ya talkin’ to?’ she squealed. ‘Is it Mommy?’  
  
‘No sweetie, it’s Uncle Heero,’ I told her. ‘Just a minute…’  
  
‘Can I talk?’ She was reaching for the phone, bouncing up and down and I sighed heavily.  
  
‘Not right now…’ I started to tell her, but Heero interrupted me.  
  
‘It’s all right,’ I could hear the smile. ‘I have a minute.’  
  
So I handed the phone to her and took that minute he was giving me to get myself back together. I was only half hearing what she was babbling at him.  
  
‘I gots a new bear and his name is Dirt and we had pizza and we dug in the sand and found old bones and I gots strawberry ice c’eam and I got to climb on this big ‘bot called a lee-oh and…’  
  
Kids don’t understand punctuation at all. She talked a blue streak; Wufei liked to say that it was pretty obvious that she was _my_ Goddaughter. I was just thinking that I should probably take the phone away from her and rescue Heero when she got quiet and began nodding intently, then said, ‘ok. Bye,’ and handed the phone back to me right before she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tight enough to make the air hiss out of my lungs.  
  
‘That’s from Unca Heero,’ she told me solemnly and then ran back to play on the Lee-oh.  
  
I raised the phone to my ear, and he must have heard me.  
  
‘Duo?’  
  
‘I’m here,’ I told him.  
  
‘I love you,’ his voice was that soothing one that he uses when the nightmares come stalking.  
  
‘I know,’ I told him around the lump in my throat. ‘I love you too.’  
  
‘You going to be all right?’  
  
I chuckled lightly. ‘Yeah… it’s a freaking museum, Heero. I’m fine. I just needed to… hear your voice.’  
  
‘Museum?’ he questioned, but I knew he needed to go.  
  
‘Later, my love,’ I told him gently. ‘Get back to work.’  
  
‘I’ll call you tonight.’  
  
‘Damn straight,’ I growled, and he chuckled lightly for me. We hung up.  
  
Being a part of history… sucks.  
  
It took the lure of another dish of ice cream to get Carrie out of that room full of ghosts and bad dreams. It took a half an hour of wandering around in the gardens watching Carrie chase butterflies before I could shake off that damned mental image. I took a bunch of pictures, managing to catch a large yellow butterfly sitting in her hair and then we went to the gift shop. I let her pick whatever she wanted, and was a little surprised when she came to the cash register lugging a stuffed black panther that rivaled Bernie in size.  
  
‘Like on my blanky, Unca Duo,’ she proclaimed, and of course that touched my heart so much that she got the three picture books, the six beanbag tree frogs, and the coloring book she wanted as well. I couldn’t break up a family of tree frogs, now could I? I bought her a jacket too, because it was getting cold out and we hadn’t needed them that morning when we left the house.  
  
I let her pick where we ate dinner, and ended up eating burgers and fries at this place with a guy wandering around the dining room in a giant blue bird suit. I’ve eaten worse; just not in a lot of years.  
  
We stopped by the disc rental place and she picked out three movies and I bought one of those big bags of popcorn for later. It was starting to rain by the time we got back to the house.  
  
Bernie was ecstatic to see us, thundering around us in circles, wagging his whole butt and barking in pure, puppy joy. When he calmed down enough, I put some of the popcorn out in a bowl, grabbed a soda for myself and a juice for Carrie, and the three of us settled on the couch to watch three hours of cartoon bliss.  
  
I was exhausted. Gods, where do kids get their energy? My legs ached all the way up to the back of my neck. We were half way through the Charlie Brown Christmas special, don’t ask me; I didn’t pick it, when I noticed that Bernie was acting funny. His tail was tucked and he was kind of whiney, and wouldn’t get off my lap no matter what I did. We had just started Fraggle Rock when I heard the distant sound of sirens.   
  
‘What’s that?’ Carrie wanted to know, and I had to pretend a certain nonchalance as I turned off the disc and switched on the news.  
  
‘I’m not sure munchkin, let’s see if there’s something about it on TV.’  
  
We had just enough time to hear the tornado warning before the power went out.  
  
‘Unca Duo?’ Her voice was high-pitched and frightened.  
  
‘It’s ok, Sweetie,’ I lied. ‘It’s just a power failure, I’ll get a flashlight.’  
  
I had to get her to hold on to Bernie, because he wanted to follow me, and I was having enough trouble navigating the unfamiliar surroundings in the dark. There was a surreal, flashback kind of moment as I moved through the house with my arms sweeping my path, before I found a flashlight in the kitchen and flicked it on.   
  
My mouth was babbling on to her about the grand adventure we were going to have, even as my hands were gathering things we might need. My brain had kicked into that ancient ‘soldier going to ground’ mode. I was a little shocked at how easy it came back. Necessities: water, food, warmth, shelter, light, weapons… Oooops; wrong reality.  
  
I got the dog leash, a couple of bottles of water out of the fridge, and a handful of granola bars out of the cupboard.  
  
I sent Carrie on a mission to get her jacket because it might be cold on our ‘quest’. She came back clutching Dirt and her quilt as well.   
  
I made sure I had my cell phone and my own jacket, clipped Bernie’s leash on him and took us down to the basement.  
  
It was the typical cluttered basement; boxes and tools and dirty clothes, the laundry room was down there. I looked around for the best place to take shelter, all too aware of the sound of the rising wind, and the sound of Bernie’s whimpers.  
  
There was an old cast iron sink in the corner, Misty had told me it had been left in the house when they moved in five years ago. It was a large, deep, double sided thing, still there only because nobody cared enough to break their back trying to get it hauled up the stairs. It was completely disconnected.   
  
‘Here, honey,’ I told Carrie, who was looking at my wide-eyed. Wondering, I imagined, when the adventure was supposed to start. ‘Hold the flashlight while I… look for the first portal.’  
  
She giggled. ‘But Unca Duo, the _bear_ has to find the first pothole,’ she corrected me, but held the flashlight in the right general direction.  
  
I pulled the sink out from the wall, and wrestled it over on its side; I used my hands to brush it free of dust and cobwebs, and beckoned Carrie over.  
  
‘Look, Princess!’ I exclaimed. ‘A secret cave!’  
  
She giggled and ran over, Bernie at her heels. ‘That’s a sink!’ she exclaimed.  
  
‘Work with me here a little, will ya Princess?’ I laughed, and took her quilt from her to fold and wrap around her like a cloak. ‘There; now you look like a Princess.’  
  
She beamed. ‘Unca Duo, you’re silly!’ She giggled some more.  
  
I took the flashlight back, and shined it into the ‘cave’.   
  
‘In you go my brave, adventurous Princess!’ I urged her in, trying to keep my voice calm even as my heart was starting to pound. The wind was getting louder.  
  
Finally, she consented to get down and crawl into the secret cave.  
  
‘It’s not a very big cave,’ she observed after she got settled.  
  
‘It’s gonna get smaller,’ I muttered, and gave Bernie a shove toward the shelter. He needed no urging, liking the looks of the little hidey-hole and crawling in with her. ‘The Princess has to have her brave and loyal guard dog!’ I smiled and then crouched down in front of the opening. I shoved the water and food in the other ‘cave’ and grabbed hold of the edge of the sink; turning the flashlight off and tucking in my jacket pocket.  
  
‘Ok,’ I tried very hard to keep my voice light, but I had to raise it a little to be heard. ‘The Princess is going to stay in the cave with her brave guard dog no matter what, ok?’  
  
It was starting to get through to her that this wasn’t a game any more, and she nodded hard. ‘Unca Duo?’  
  
‘What, munchkin?’   
  
‘I want my Mommy and Daddy.’ It came out sounding really scared.  
  
‘I know, sweetie. I want Uncle Heero.’ I had to force it to come out _not_ sounding scared.  
  
That was about all we had time for. Bernie started to howl, and Carrie clutched Dirt to her face as hard as she could, and I just did my best to shelter the entrance to the secret cave like any good Guardian Spirit would do. It sounded like a freight train was headed right for us.  
  
Hang on Toto; we’re not in Kansas anymore.  
  
+  
  
I hadn’t slept well; I never do when I’m away from Duo. I woke long before the alarm went off and just lay in the dark staring up at the ceiling thinking about what a total idiot I could be.   
  
I will never understand how it is that he makes me do the things he makes me do. Not that I am saying for a minute that I thought the argument was his fault. I just would never have done what I had done to anybody else. I had known about this trip for a week, and had just kept putting off telling him about it. It’s not that he gives me a hard time about them, but he always gets this look on his face…I can’t take that look on his face. He tries not to show it, and I don’t suppose anybody else would see the shadow in his eyes that tells me how miserable it makes him. He hates to be apart from me as much as I hate to be apart from him. Gods; you’d think after all these years together we’d get over that. I think it’s something that has roots in those days of assignments ripping us apart, sometimes for months at a time. Living in constant fear, wondering where the other one was. Wondering what their missions were. Wondering when we’d manage to see each other again. Wondering _if_ we’d manage to see each other again. It’s just something that gets into your bones and never really goes away.  
  
I finally said the hell with it and just went ahead and got up, showered and got dressed. I sat and watched the early morning news until I thought that Wufei would be up and called his room to see if he wanted to get breakfast. I really didn’t feel like being alone.  
  
I left the door unlocked for him and after he was dressed and ready, he came across the hall. We sat and finished watching the news together. We were several hundred miles from home and though the day here seemed to be clear, it looked like Duo and Carrie were in for some heavy rain before the day was out.

‘We need to get going if we’re going to have time to eat,’ Wufei observed. ‘We have a meeting at eight.’  
  
I grunted and switched off the television, grabbing my jacket as we started for the door.   
  
‘So,’ Wufei smirked at me, ‘did you and Maxwell make up last night?’  
  
I glowered at him. ‘Yes, thank you very much for your concern.’   
  
‘Did the roses help?’ He couldn’t help letting his smirk widen.  
  
‘Yes,’ I had to admit, though grudgingly. ‘Thanks for the idea.’  
  
He chuckled lightly. ‘Well, you were obviously the one who owed the apology, because it was a completely brainless thing to do.’  
  
I just glared at him as we stepped into the elevator. He chuckled a little more as he hit the button for the lobby. In my pocket, my cell phone vibrated to tell me I had voice mail. I frowned and pulled it out; it hadn’t rung, so I hadn’t missed a call. I punched up the message and heard the warm, teasing tones of my lover.   
  
‘Get your damned assignment finished and get your butt home. As a bed partner, Bernie _sucks.’_

Beside me, Wufei couldn’t contain a horrified gasp; my partner has exceptional hearing. I laughed out loud, I’m not sure if at Duo’s message, or Wufei’s reaction.  
  
‘Bernie is Misty’s dog,’ I informed my shocked companion. ‘Duo is babysitting Carrie this weekend.’  
  
I entertained myself for the next couple of floors watching his face change color.  
  
Breakfast was an awkward thing for a little bit, until Wufei got over his consternation. Then we settled down to going over reports and comparing notes. The local law enforcement offices had reason to believe that there was a serious weapons dealer working out of their jurisdiction, and had called the Preventers in when they figured out that the type of weapons were entirely out of their league. We were scheduled for a sit down meeting with them in a half an hour, despite its being a Saturday. We had split the pile of documentation last night, each of us taking half of it to read over in our rooms. We shared the information over fresh fruit and toast.  
  
It looked like it was going to be a fairly cut and dried affair. The evidence was quite clear, the locals had done an amazing amount of digging prior to calling us in, and it was just a matter now of making the arrangements for a full scale Preventer’s raid. They really only needed us for the high-tech muscle and the armament. I personally held out hope that this was not going to take the two weeks we had originally allowed.  
  
This stage of things, however, was nothing but meetings and talking, and by lunchtime I was entirely sick of it. I was just about ready to take a couple of handguns and Wufei and go route the nest of warmongers out by ourselves, then I could go home to Duo where I could get a decent night’s sleep.  
  
Once, I had been forced by circumstances to go off on a week long, middle of nowhere, stake out while Duo was injured. This was back at the end of the war when missions were still missions, and the needs and wants of young soldiers mattered not one whit. After several nights of almost no sleep at all, Wufei had desperately suggested that we try sleeping in the same bed. Equally desperate, I had agreed, and actually did sleep a little better. I’m pretty sure, however that Chang Wufei slept not two minutes after I rolled over in my sleep and threw an arm around him. He didn’t offer a second night.  
  
‘What are you smirking at, Yuy?’ he frowned at me over lunch, catching me wool gathering.  
  
‘Just… memories,’ I informed him with a smile, not elaborating.  
  
‘I don’t think I want to know,’ he said, and I smirked again, thinking _no, you do not._

We finished our lunch just in time to rush back to a meeting with the Chief of Police and the departments’ legal advisors. Twenty minutes into the meeting, my cell phone rang and I glanced at it, seeing Duo’s number. I passed Wufei a glance to tell him to take over the conversation, muttered an apology and answered my phone. I never ignore Duo’s calls. It’s a personal rule of mine. He could call me in the middle of a firefight and I would answer the damn phone.  
  
‘Hello?’ I couldn’t quite keep the apprehension out of my voice. Duo didn’t call me at the drop of a hat in the middle of the day like this unless it was important. He knew I would most likely be working.  
  
I heard a shaky breath. ‘Busy?’ There was a strange quaver in his voice and I could hear the sound of laughing children in the background.  
  
I made pointed eye contact with Wufei and rose to leave the room. ‘Never,’ I told him firmly and didn’t speak again until I had gotten out to the hallway. ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked softly.  
  
‘Nothing really,’ he said, but that strange quality to his voice told me different. There was a brief silence and an aborted laugh that sounded strained. ‘Just needed to know what year it was.’  
  
He didn’t sound good. ‘Duo?’ I questioned, growing truly concerned.  
  
I heard him take a steadying breath. ‘I’m sorry love… I’ll tell you all about it when you come home. I just… I had to hear your voice. That’s all.’  
  
I wasn’t at all sure what to say to him, I couldn’t for the life of me think what might be wrong. Then there was the muted chatter of Carrie’s happy voice in the background. I could hear her trying to get the phone away from Duo, and I could hear his weary voice trying to calm her.  
  
‘It’s all right,’ I told him warmly, ‘I have a minute.’  
  
She was talking almost before she got the phone close enough to her mouth for it to pick up. ‘I gots a new bear and his name is Dirt and we had pizza and we dug in the sand and found old bones and I gots strawberry ice c’eam and I got to climb on this big ‘bot called a lee-oh and…’  
  
This, I decided could go on all day. ‘Carrie, can you do something for me?’ I finally caught her attention.  
  
‘Uh-huh,’ she confirmed.  
  
‘Will you give Uncle Duo a big, hard hug and tell him it’s from… Uncle Heero?’  
  
‘Ok. Bye,’ she told me with firm resolve and I snorted; _mission accepted._

There was a long moment of silence and then I heard… _something_ that let me know Duo was on the other end of that open line again.  
  
‘Duo?’ I asked gently.  
  
‘I’m here,’ he told me, sounding a little better.  
  
‘I love you,’ I told him, trying to put as much behind it as I could on a stupid cell phone.  
  
‘I know,’ he said, voice sounding thick. ‘I love you too.’  
  
‘You going to be all right?’  
  
He chuckled lightly. ‘Yeah… it’s a freaking museum, Heero. I’m fine. I just needed to… hear your voice.’ There was that strange wobble again.  
  
‘Museum?’ I asked, trying to figure how a trip to the museum could have triggered this kind of anxiety.  
  
‘Later, my love,’ he told him gently. ‘Get back to work.’  
  
‘I’ll call you tonight,’ I tried again to reassure. Tried to give him whatever it was he had called needing.  
  
‘Damn straight,’ he growled, trying to cover up that something was bothering him still. There wasn’t much I could do from here, and I chuckled softly for him, letting him think that I was fooled. We hung up.  
  
I went back to the meeting, not able to keep the frown from my face, and Wufei caught my eye at the first opportunity. I just shook my head with a look that told him, _later._

We finished the meeting by mid-afternoon, and decided to take a ‘scenic’ drive past the warehouse under suspicion.  
  
Wufei pounced as soon as we were alone in the car together.  
  
‘Anything wrong?’ Trying to sound casual and not really succeeding. In his own way, he worries about things almost as much as I do.  
  
‘I’m not really sure,’ I sighed, picking up on the thread of our non-verbal conversation from earlier, even though it had been an hour since Duo’s call. ‘I think Duo took Carrie to the museum and something… seems to have upset him.’  
  
There was a sudden, tense silence and I glanced at Wufei’s profile; saw the muscles of his jaw working hard.  
  
‘What?’ I questioned, knowing without a doubt that he knew something.  
  
‘You two don’t ever go down to the museum, do you?’ he queried, and not for the first time in our long relationship I wanted to throttle him.  
  
‘Spit it out, Wufei,’ I growled and he grimaced.  
  
‘There is a fairly new space and the colonies exhibit.’ He hesitated. ‘There’s a rather… shocking mural of…Wing.’  
  
‘My Gundam?’ A strange chill ran up my spine. ‘Shocking how?’  
  
‘An artist’s interpretation of the time you self-destructed.’ He chose the wrong moment to get blunt, and I almost rear-ended a car at a red light.  
  
‘Shit,’ I blurted, the whole thing falling into place. I suddenly knew what a lee-oh was.   
  
‘How did he sound?’ Wufei wanted to know.  
  
‘Pretty shaken up,’ I murmured. ‘I thought at first… from the sound of his voice, that there’d been some kind of accident.’  
  
‘It is rather… arresting,’ he told me, looking out the passenger window. ‘And _I_ wasn’t… alone.’  
  
There wasn’t a whole lot I could say to that, and we drove on in silence. I’m not sure what he was thinking about, I was just cursing this damned mission and wishing I could get home.   
  
We did a quick drive-by on the warehouse, I like to see a target first hand whenever possible, and by the time we were through there, it was getting late. We went to find someplace to eat and it was almost five before we got back to the hotel. We went our separate ways, I heard Wufei turning on his television even as I was going into my room. I only took the time to remove my jacket and tie before reaching for my phone. I was a little irritated at the sudden harsh knock on my door, even more so when Wufei burst in, wordlessly going to turn on my TV. I started to snap at him; I really just wanted a little privacy to talk to Duo. But the stricken look on his face stopped me cold. In my ear, I could hear Duo’s cell phone beginning to ring.  
  
Wufei ruthlessly thumbed through the channels, pulling up a newscast that was showing aerial pictures of a tornado-devastated neighborhood. In my right ear, I was listening to the familiar voice of our local newscaster from back home, his report picked up by the national stations, giving times and areas. In my left ear, I was hearing the sound of un-answered ringing.  
  
I did not recognize either Misty’s house, or her neighborhood in the pictures in front of us. There wasn’t enough left for anything to look familiar. My knees sagged and I sat down heavily on the bed. Duo’s cell phone apologized and asked if I would like to leave a message.   
  
+  
  
I don’t know if it was the pain, the ringing of the cell phone, or Carrie’s broken sobs that finally pulled me back to consciousness. I blinked my eyes open and had to bite down hard on an outcry. Bloody hell; having a house fall on your ass really _hurts._

I tried to get my head together, and take stock of things. I was almost totally pinned to the ground. I was buried in… _house_ from about mid-chest on down. Though my arms were free, moving my left one was causing an unbearable pain in my chest and back. Breathing was hard. I tried to shift and almost blacked out again. Couldn’t do that; couldn’t leave Carrie here alone.  
  
‘Munchkin?’ I called softly because my voice didn’t work too well without any air behind it.  
  
‘Unca Duo?’ I could hear the stark terror in her voice, but by the Gods she had stayed where I had put her.  
  
‘It’s ok, sweetie,’ I told her, and tried to see my watch in the gloom to judge how long I had been out. I was able to stick my arm out toward her. ‘Can you push the button and tell me what the numbers are?’ I asked, and she seemed a little relieved to have something to do. Or maybe she was just relieved to have me talking again.  
  
She dutifully pressed the light button, and her crying subsided a little as she bent to read me the numbers. It was just after five. I hadn’t been out more than five or six minutes. I took my arm back and let it rest on the floor.  
  
‘That’s good, honey.’ I was left gasping from that small exertion, and I had to wonder just how badly I was hurt. ‘Are you ok?’  
  
Uh-huh,’ she confirmed and sniffled a little bit. ‘I want my Daddy.’  
  
‘I know,’ I reassured her. ‘It’s gonna be all right. Uncle Heero will come and get us.’  
  
‘And my Daddy too?’ she wanted to know.  
  
‘And your Daddy too,’ I agreed. ‘Is Bernie ok?’  
  
She actually giggled, tears subsiding now that she had someone with her again. ‘He’s not a very good guard dog, Unca Duo. He hided behind me.’  
  
I tried to chuckle for her, but I didn’t have the breath for it. ‘I guess I’m not a very good Guardian Spirit either,’ I said.  
  
There was a hesitation and then she said, ‘Unca Duo?’  
  
‘What?’  
  
She leaned down and whispered low, as though it were a great secret, ‘I’m not a real Princess.’  
  
I grinned, ‘I think you make a pretty good Princess. Why don’t you think you’re a Princess?’  
  
‘Cause I’m scared.’  
  
I managed to get my right arm shifted over enough to pat her ankle. ‘Bernie and I are a little scared too.’ I grinned, thinking about it, ‘Besides… that makes you better than just your average, everyday Princess. That makes you a _smart_ Princess.’  
  
‘Smart Princess?’ That puzzled her.  
  
‘Yeah; you’ve got enough sense to be scared when a house falls on you.’  
  
She giggled again, and it was really something of a relief.  
  
‘And you were a smart enough Princess to stay in the cave just like I told you to.’  
  
She leaned down and looked at me. ‘You’re a good Spirit too, Unca Duo,’ she told me firmly. ‘You found the cave.’  
  
‘Too bad I couldn’t have found the stupid portal,’ I muttered.  
  
‘Silly Unca Duo,’ she jeered at me. ‘All three of the spirits have to find the next pothole.’  
  
I tried to laugh; were my stories that predictable? Nah. Couldn’t be. My Goddaughter was just exceptionally bright was all.  
  
Somewhere in that effort to laugh, I finally figured out that something was rammed right through my torso; back to front. Pinning me to the floor like a bug on display. I tried really hard not to think about it. Yeah. Sure.  
  
‘Tell me the next part of the story, Unca Duo?’ she asked.  
  
Why not; I sure as hell wasn’t going anywhere. In my pocket, well beyond my reach, my cell phone started to ring again. I made a small effort to get at it, but the pain I caused almost made me forget where I was and I had to just lay there and listen to it ring until the voice mail kicked in and it stopped.  
  
‘So,’ I began, ‘the great bear spirit and the great hawk spirit met up with the great and beautiful wolf spirit and set out on their quest for the third portal…’  
  
+  
  
We left everything at the hotel. We ran out of that room without taking the time to grab anything. I let Wufei drive to the shuttle port only so my hands were free to use the cell phone. I only got the voice mail again. I took two seconds to leave a message this time, just in case.  
  
‘Duo, Gods damn it to hell; call me.’  
  
Wufei was weaving us in and out of traffic, pushing the speed limit, but still pushing my patience. _Faster!_ I wanted to yell at him.  
  
‘He’s all right, Heero,’ Wufei ground out through gritted teeth, eyes never leaving the road. ‘He’s got that little girl to take care of.’  
  
As though that would magically keep Duo safe as well. Fear was making me temperamental and I turned to glare at him, but his face looked like mine felt. He was damned near as scared as I was. That was just his way; always the reassuring word. As though just saying it would make it so.  
  
I grunted. And tried the cell phone again.  
  
‘Time it, Yuy,’ he warned me. ‘Don’t run the battery down, we may need it.’  
  
I didn’t know whether to growl or laugh at him. How quickly we fell back on old habits; preserve supplies; guard the equipment. Being prepared meant staying alive.  
  
We stormed the shuttle port. We started out trying to bully our way aboard a shuttle, but soon discovered that the weather had everything headed toward home grounded. I ruthlessly used our Preventer’s IDs and every intimidating expression in my arsenal and managed, finally, to commandeer a private jet. We couldn’t manage to convince the pilot to go with the plane though, and I ended up flying it myself. At lift off, I calculated we were still two hours out.  
  
Once airborne, Wufei pulled out his own cell phone and made the call I hadn’t thought to.  
  
‘Trowa?’ his voice was tight and clipped; there was a pause as Trowa said something. ‘Heero’s with me, we’re fine. Duo needs us. We can’t find him; he was staying with Carrie for the weekend.’ There was another pause. ‘Address….?’  
  
He looked to me and I stared at him. Damn; I didn’t really know. ‘Somewhere in the Willowhills area,’ I told him. ‘I don’t know the exact address.’  
  
‘Get to Willowhills,’ Wufei relayed and they hung up.   
  
‘Try the apartment,’ I told him, needing to do something… anything. He dialed it, but got no response.  
  
Then he started trying to deal with a swamped emergency service. We had no real proof to offer them that Duo and Carrie were injured. We couldn’t even give them an exact address. They already had more than enough to keep them busy and quite frankly, I felt like they blew us off. It was difficult to be intimidating over a phone, though Wufei tried his damnedest.  
  
He called information, trying to get that elusive address. Of course, they had a Gods damned unlisted number.   
  
His brain was functioning much better than mine was, and he happened to have Sally Po’s number programmed into his cell. He was able to get hold of her to see if someone could go into the office and get the exact address for Misty’s house from the payroll files.  
  
We hit the top of the hour and I tried Duo’s phone again with the same damned frustrating results. I was starting to have mental pictures of him… I snarled at the damned phone and had to resist the urge to fling it across the plane.

+  
  
‘Unca Duo?’ Carrie was saying, and I was vaguely aware that she had called me more than once. ‘What happened then, Unca Duo?’  
  
I struggled to collect my thoughts and bring them back to the story. Where the hell had I left off? ‘Uhmmmm… Then the bear, hawk, wolf and panther spirits had to… they had to…’  
  
She huffed at me a little indignantly. ‘They have to learn to work together so they can find the next pothole and free the d’agon spirit.’  
  
Oh, how could I have been so dumb? Of course.  
  
In my pocket, my cell phone rang again and I had to squelch down the urge to scream. I knew it was Heero and I wanted the sound of his voice so badly I could have burst into tears. I really wasn’t sure I was going to make it. This wasn’t supposed to happen to Carrie. This was the stuff of life-long nightmares. I should know; I had enough of my own.   
  
The war was over and shit like watching people you cared for die in the dark was not something my Godchild was ever intended to experience. I forced my arm across the floor again and got Carrie to push the button on my watch and read me the numbers. It was six. Heero had resorted to calling on the hour. Gods, how I wished I could get my hand down there to get hold of that damned phone.  
  
‘Unca Duo, I’m thirsty.’ The voice was plaintive.  
  
‘In the other cave, honey,’ I was rather proud of the fact that I could answer that simple need. Though it took both of us and everything I had to get one of the bottles open for her.  
  
Gods, I wished someone would come; I didn’t want her trying to climb out of here on her own, but I didn’t want her down here when I died.  
  
   
  
It was a nightmare landing in the high winds. It took the both of us, working in concert to wrestle the plane to the ground and even then we damaged the front landing gear. I didn’t care, I would pay for repairs myself if need be.  
  
We had gotten a call bare minutes before touchdown from Sally with the address. As soon as he was able to relinquish his hold on the co-pilot’s yoke, Wufei pulled out his phone again and called Trowa back with the information. He and Quatre were still fifteen or twenty minutes away from the Willowhills area; roads were closed all over the place.  
  
We were running for Wufei’s car, left in the parking garage when we departed from here just yesterday, even as he finished the call. I let him drive again, because I was not going to attempt to dispute the fact that I was in no shape to do it. My chest had been tight and aching for the last hour. It was after seven, and I called the cell phone again, hoping beyond hope that I would hear Duo’s voice this time. But, again, it simply rang until the voice mail kicked in. I bit back on a helpless moan. I’m coming, Duo, I willed at the phone; just hang on.  
  
I tried the emergency number again, now that I had an address, but ended up being put on hold. Wufei switched on the radio, and we discovered that part of the downtown area was an inferno; broken gas lines had caused an explosion. I suspected we were pretty much on our own.   
  
‘Faster,’ I growled, not able to help myself. I was surprised when his hand closed over mine where it had fallen to the seat, still clutching the damned, useless cell phone. I glanced up at him, and he dared take his eyes off the road for the second it took to meet mine. He squeezed my hand hard. Neither of us spoke and after a moment, he had to have both hands to drive again.  
  
We were starting to enter into the path the tornado had taken, and the damage was unbelievable. Trees were the first things we noticed, uprooted and tossed around like some giant, mad gardener had been weeding. Wufei had to slow and ease the car around obstacles, and twice we had to back up to take an alternate route. In his pocket, Wufei’s phone rang, and we both jumped as though shots had been fired at us. He tossed it to me, not wanting to take his hand off the wheel.  
  
‘Yuy,’ I barked into the thing, knowing my voice was far from steady.  
  
‘Heero… it’s Quatre.’ I could tell from his voice that he would have preferred Wufei.  
  
‘Where are you?’ I wanted to know, and there was a hesitation in his voice.  
  
‘We’re… not sure,’ I heard another voice in the background, Trowa’s. ‘There’s no way to tell what the address’s… were.’  
  
That chilled me. That word; _were_. I thought furiously, I had only been to the place a couple of times.  
  
‘Do you see… any signs of a large church?’  
  
‘Not yet,’ I was told.  
  
‘It was south of the church a couple of blocks.’ I thought desperately for landmarks that might have survived. ‘There was a small strip mall to the north… maybe four blocks.’ There was nothing to the east and west but more houses. I couldn’t narrow it down any more than that. ‘We’re getting close as well. Wufei’s car.’  
  
There was a lingering silence and I knew that Quatre was struggling for something reassuring to say, so I filled the silence with an abrupt, ‘watch for us,’ and hung up. I didn’t feel like dealing with it.  
  
There was nothing else moving out here but us. We had to make a serious detour when we found our way blocked by some downed power lines not long after. I was starting to feel like I was going to throw up. The pictures running through my head were all of Duo in his worst moments. I saw him on that torture rack on the station. I saw him in the hospital bed after his surgery. I saw him battered. I saw him bruised. I saw him bleeding. But most of all, I kept hearing his soft voice whispering to me, _‘You’re always there to catch me when I fall.’_ I scrubbed my hands across tired eyes.  
  
‘Keep it together, Yuy,’ Wufei’s voice came to me, firm and strong. ‘He needs you. We’ll find him.’  
  
We were getting close, and it was all I could do not to bail out of the car. It felt like I could run faster than we were moving.  
  
   
  
‘…and the five Guardian… spirits… finally together again after a thousand… years… opened the final portal…’ I had to stop again; I just couldn’t get enough air. ‘Sorry… sweetie…’ I was taken with a harsh cough then and couldn’t bite back an agonized moan. My hand, when I removed it from my mouth was spattered with blood. Over all…this had turned into a pretty crappy weekend.  
  
‘Unca Duo?’ came Carrie’s worried voice. ‘You don’t have to tell me stories no more.’  
  
‘S’ok honey…’ I tried to smile for her, thinking to wipe my hand across my mouth just in case I got blood on my face. ‘Just… give me… a minute.’  
  
When I thought about it too hard, I realized I had to have a collapsed lung. There was just no way in hell that whatever was impaling me went in _here_ and came out _there_ without going right through my left lung. And if I’d had any doubts, the blood pretty well confirmed it. Beyond that, I‘m not sure what all else was wrong with me. I felt pretty chilled, and wondered if I was bleeding somewhere under all the debris.   
  
‘You… warm… enough…?’ I managed to gasp out.  
  
‘Uh-huh,’ Carrie smiled and patted my hand; she’d been doing that a lot lately. ‘I gots my blanky.’  
  
She was wearing a jacket, was wrapped in her quilt and cuddled up with Bernie. While I was glad she was comfortable, it didn’t tell me if it was cold down here or not. I guess it really didn’t matter; there wasn’t anything I could do about it anyway. If I was bleeding to death, I was bleeding to death.  
  
Then Bernie, who had been cowering in the back of the cave since his world had fallen apart, did something he hadn’t done yet. He poked his nose out, sniffing around, and gave a tiny little thump of a wag with his tail.  
  
‘Hold his… leash, punkin,’ I told her, daring to let myself hope, and listened hard.  
  
   
  
We passed Trowa and Quatre within the next five minutes, and they fell in behind us as we wove through the empty streets. It was unbelievably difficult to navigate through the neighborhood, but we finally found the remains of the church, and I was oriented at last.  
  
‘This way!’ I fairly shouted, heart in my throat, and pointed the way.  
  
We had to stop a block from where we needed to be, the street was just impassable. I finally gave in to the urge and leapt from the car, running the last block, hurdling over debris as I went. The pounding feet behind me barely registered.  
  
Why was finding Misty’s house such a shock? I don’t know. The entire area was decimated for a good half mile. There had been absolutely no hope of finding that house still intact. Had there been anything still standing, we would have seen it from blocks away. But somehow, when I finally stumbled into what was once the front yard, I was stopped cold. Stopped as though I had run into an unseen brick wall.  
  
It looked like a damned war zone. There was nothing left standing for blocks and blocks. Frame or brick, it didn’t matter, the storm had taken it all down to the ground. I couldn’t have done a better job with my Gundam and a beam cannon.   
  
‘Duo?’ I breathed, and it registered that the twisted blue metal thing on the far side of the… house, was our car. ‘Duo!’ I shouted, and I know it was just a little bit hysterical.  
  
   
  
I wasn’t sure at first if I had really heard it. Heero’s voice. I had been wanting to hear it for so long. A couple of times, drifting on the edge of consciousness, I had sworn I had heard him, breathing in my ear, _‘Hang on, love. Just hang on.’_   
  
But Bernie heard him too. He wiggled and waggled and finally poked his nose out of the cave.   
  
‘It’s Unca Heero!’ Carrie squealed, and clapped her hands.  
  
‘Told… ya…’ I grinned. I could hear other voices not long after that, Quatre’s for sure and I thought maybe Wufei’s. Relief flooded through me like a damned drug. My family was here. They had come for me. I didn’t have the breath to answer them, but I could have cried listening to them call my name.  
  
‘Can you… answer them…?’ I asked Carrie, and should have known better than to ask such a stupid question of a four year old. She almost seemed to smirk at me.  
  
‘Unca Heero!’ she shrieked, and even the dog ducked his head and tucked his tail.  
  
If I tilted my head until I thought I would blackout, I could just see the stairs out of the corner of my eye. They looked intact.   
  
‘Listen… sweetie… I need you… to do something…’ She leaned down close so she could hear, her face solemn.  
  
   
  
It was faint, but we heard Carrie’s shrill voice answer us, and converged quickly on the spot where we had heard it the loudest.  
  
My hands were shaking so badly I had to keep them at my sides to hide it. Why didn’t Duo answer?   
  
As if reading my mind, Quatre gently interjected, ‘She doesn’t sound scared. She would be it she were… alone.’  
  
It was logical, but it didn’t explain why Duo didn’t answer. It did, of course, if I let myself think about it. He was hurt. He had to be hurt or he would have called out to me. How in the hell were we going to find them in this mess?  
  
‘Heero,’ Trowa was next to me, his hand suddenly warm and squeezing firmly on my elbow. ‘They would have gone to the basement. Do you know the lay-out of the house?’  
  
I had to get myself together. Duo needed me.   
  
I turned back to the street to get my orientation. The front door would have been roughly… _there_. The living room…the kitchen beyond…the basement door would have been… I paced it out in my head and shifted, finding where I was fairly certain the stairs would have been.  
  
‘Here,’ I told him. ‘Roughly,’ I added unnecessarily.  
  
Behind me, I heard Wufei speaking on the phone again. He was making another attempt to get through on the emergency number. We had an address and a little girl in trouble, maybe this time he would get somewhere.  
  
Quatre turned toward the place I had indicated and yelled for Carrie.  
  
There was an answer and we bent to carefully shifting debris. The small stuff, the shingles, the pieces of two-by-four studs, the siding, moved fairly easily, but it wasn’t long before we encountered beams that we couldn’t move by hand. There were spaces underneath and behind those beams, but we couldn’t see.   
  
Trowa and Quatre exchanged a look, and Quatre ran off toward the cars.  
  
‘Call her again, Heero,’ Trowa bade me. ‘She knows your voice.’  
  
I did, and I managed it without my voice breaking.  
  
   
  
‘….All set… Princess…?’ I was reduced now to a near pant, and had to turn my head every few minutes when a cough wracked me until I saw stars. I needed to get her out of here. I was pretty sure I was running out of time.  
  
Somewhere above us, I heard Heero call Carrie again, and his voice sounded a little clearer. They must be digging for us.  
  
‘Yep,’ she assured me in her best, tough Princess voice.  
  
‘Ok… get a hold… of Bernie…’ I watched her wrap the leash tight around her little hand. ‘Now… tell Unca Heero… to call…Bernie.’  
  
She sat and looked at me for a minute, kind of scared to leave me, to go off in the dark.  
  
‘S’ok… Princess,’ I told her, suppressing the cough that wanted to take hold of me. ‘The brave… and loyal… guard dog… will lead you… to Unca Heero…’  
  
‘I’s scared,’ she breathed, leaning down and kissing me softly on the side of my face.  
  
‘Me too… baby,’ I was able to pat her knee. ‘Heero… will get… your Mommy…’  
  
That set a light in her eyes and she finally sat up and shouted for all she was worth, ‘Unca Heero! Call Bernie!’  
  
There was a stone, cold silence for a minute, and I imagined Heero having to process the command. I smiled, thinking about the look on his face and then heard his voice again, hesitant at first and then more firmly, ‘Bernie! Come here, Bernie!’   
  
Beside us, Bernie began to wag his tail.  
  
‘Come on, boy! Good dog! Come on Bernie!’  
  
Heero was warming to it, and finally Bernie couldn’t take it anymore and lunged for the stairs, dragging Carrie after him. I stuffed my wrist in my mouth, trying to prepare myself for what I knew was coming next. The only way to the stairs was over the pile of timber that was on top of me.  
  
The pain took me under; the sound of Heero’s voice calling for Bernie was the last thing I heard.  
  
   
  
Quatre came running back from the cars, and when I turned to see what he had gone after, I saw another car pulling in near ours, stopped as we had been by the debris. I saw Misty bail out of the car almost before it stopped, Justin right behind her as soon as he shut off the engine.   
  
Quatre was beside us, a flashlight in his hands.  
  
Then we heard the piping sound of Carrie’s voice again, ‘Unca Heero! Call Bernie!’  
  
It took me a minute. What? Why in the hell…? Of course… Bernie would lead Carrie to us.  
  
I didn’t want to. Carrie was the only link I had to Duo.   
  
Then Wufei was beside me. ‘Call the dog, Heero.’ I don’t know if he could tell what was going through my head; maybe, because he put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed hard.  
  
Behind me I heard the sound of Misty sobbing uncontrollably and Quatre talking to her in his soft, calm way.  
  
‘Bernie! Come here, Bernie!’ The words felt strange in my mouth, and Wufei’s hand squeezed encouragement. ‘Come on, boy! Good dog! Come on Bernie!’  
  
Trowa was kneeling near where we thought the stairs were, shining the flashlight through a space under a heavy support beam.  
  
Justin moved up beside him, and took over calling for Bernie.  
  
‘I see her!’ Trowa suddenly exclaimed, and seconds later I saw the furry brown and white head of Bernie poke out from under the beam. Carrie was right behind him, and they both had to squirm and wiggle to get out.   
  
‘Daddy!’ she squealed, and Justin scooped her up in a bear hug, hurrying over to where Quatre had Misty restrained.  
  
I had to turn my back on the reunion. Wufei wrapped his arm around me, and I found that my heart was thudding painfully in my ears.  
  
‘I have to get down there,’ I told him.  
  
‘The fire crew is on the way,’ he soothed. ‘As soon as we have the equipment… we’ll get him out.’  
  
Quatre had left Misty to her husband and daughter and was back with Trowa. They were conversing in low tones, but I couldn’t focus enough to pay any attention. Behind me, I heard Carrie prattling along to her parents.   
  
‘Unca Duo said Unca Heero would come, and he did!’ she babbled happily and it hit me like a blow.  
  
I think I would have fallen to my knees if Wufei hadn’t been half supporting me already.  
  
‘We’ll get him,’ he told me fiercely. ‘We’ll get him out; I swear.’  
  
Quatre was suddenly beside us, tugging his jacket off and with his mission face on.  
  
‘Come on,’ he commanded and we followed.  
  
I saw Trowa standing just down from the hole that Carrie and Bernie had crawled out of, far too small for us to get through. He didn’t look happy.  
  
‘If you guys can left this beam just a couple of inches,’ Quatre was saying. ‘I think I can get through there.’  
  
I looked at him. He hadn’t changed a lot since the war. He had always been the smallest among us. Had retained, over the years, his lithe, slight frame. I looked dubiously at the hole he was intending to crawl through, and I doubted he could manage it, but could have hugged him for wanting to try.   
  
The three of us moved into position, getting the best grip we could on the huge beam, while Quatre went and lay down on the ground in front of the hole. We waited for his signal and then did our damnedest to raise it up the little bit he was asking for. The thing might have been set in concrete. We pulled and tugged for all we were worth, and it shifted, but wouldn’t come up quite far enough.   
  
‘Little more, guys!’ Quatre called encouragement and I started to fear that he was going to make a try for it and get caught under the damned thing.  
  
Then suddenly, the beam gave a little and raised that extra inch. There was an ecstatic cry from Quatre and after a few long moments of feeling the beam vibrate in our hands as he squirmed under it, he yelled, ‘I’m clear!’ and we let it back down with a collective groan. A groan from _four_ voices. I turned to find Justin straightening from the position he had taken behind Trowa. I nodded. He nodded back and went to rejoin his family.  
  
Trowa was quickly beside the entrance that Quatre had just ventured through, and we moved beside him. We could see the glow of the flashlight as it bobbed down through the debris, fading from our sight.  
  
I had to remind myself to breathe. Someone was rubbing my back in small circles. I’m not even sure if it was Wufei or Trowa.

+  
  
Someone was calling me, gentle fingers were stroking my cheek and I came back to the pain thinking that Carrie hadn’t made it out.  
  
‘Munchkin?’ I asked, breath a near impossibility. ‘What…?’  
  
‘It’s Quatre,’ and I opened my eyes to see his sweet, welcome face in the glow of a flashlight.  
  
‘Where…’ I tried, sucking air for all I was worth. Where was Heero?  
  
‘Being small sometimes has its advantages,’ he smiled for me, keeping his voice light. ‘I was the only one who could fit through the hole.’  
  
‘Carrie?’ I wanted to know.  
  
‘She’s fine. She’s with her parents, they just got here.’  
  
I had to cough then and almost left him, struggling back to the sound of his worried voice. ‘Duo? Can you give me a status?’  
  
I smiled, with the feel of blood on my lips; how easily we all fell back on old habits. In my head I could here Heero, screaming over the sound of gunfire, ‘Status!’  
  
‘Soldier down.’ I tried to chuckle for him and couldn’t.  
  
I saw him looking at the pile of crap on my back and I realized he was considering trying to dig me out.  
  
‘No!’ I cried, making myself cough until the world went dizzily to gray at the edges. He waited for me, understanding that there was something important he didn’t know. When I finally had breath again, I managed, ‘impaled.’ His breath hissed through his teeth, and he squirmed around until he finally found it. I felt like apologizing for not finding a gentler word for it.  
  
‘Shit,’ he muttered, and just in case I hadn’t heard the first time, he said it again, ‘Shit!’  
  
‘S’ok,’ I wheezed out. ‘Just… don’t touch. Kinda… hurts….’  
  
I thought he was going to cry. I do my damnedest to crack jokes in these kinds of situations and somehow I can’t ever get the laugh. I’ll never understand it.  
  
‘Duo,’ he told me then, ‘Wufei called for a rescue unit, you just have to hang on a little longer. As soon as they can get the entrance opened up, we’ll get you out of here.’  
  
He had hold of my hand, and I squeezed it in acknowledgment.   
  
‘How’s… Heero…?’ I asked then, and he chuckled softly.  
  
‘About to have a cow. A really _big_ cow.’  
  
I would have snorted if I could have managed it; all I could do was grin.  
  
‘Duo,’ he asked me then, voice gone all serious. ‘Do you think you could talk to him? I have my cell phone… Trowa’s waiting for us.’  
  
‘Gods… Quatre… please?’ I could have wept.  
  
He smiled at me warmly and let his fingers stroke my cheek for a minute before he reached for the phone.  
  
+  
  
There was nothing from down there for the longest time and it was all I could do not to fall on the beam and try to gnaw my way through it. I was vaguely aware of Trowa moving away from us. In the far reaches of the back of my mind, I found it odd. But Wufei continued to rub those gentle circles on my shoulder, murmuring encouragements every now and again and I just kept myself focused on the spot where Quatre had disappeared.  
  
‘Heero?’ Trowa was back, kneeling beside me and there was something strange in his eyes.  
  
I didn’t bother with the _what_ , just met his gaze and waited.  
  
‘Quatre’s found him. He’s alive, but he’s hurt pretty bad.’  
  
I realized that he was holding his phone in his hands. I also realized that I hadn’t heard it ring; he had turned it to vibrate so that had the news been bad, I wouldn’t have heard it ringing. He handed it to me now and I raised it to my ear. Faintly, sounding weak and far away, I heard my lover call my name.  
  
+  
  
I waited impatiently while Quatre talked to Trowa in low tones, explaining in detail my situation and condition. Then I had to wait through a silence while, I’m sure, Trowa approached Heero. Finally, Quatre was holding the phone to the side of my face and I whispered, ‘Heero…?’  
  
There was the most abysmal, long silence, and then his trembling voice, full of fear and trying to hide it. ‘Duo… love?’   
  
All I could manage was his name again, ‘Heero.’ A sigh. A declaration. A prayer. He’d come for me.  
  
‘Are you…’ He caught himself; he’d been told I wasn’t all right, I’m sure. ‘How… I love you.’  
  
I smiled, and felt something unwind from around my heart. ‘Love… you,’ I told him.  
  
‘Don’t you dare fucking die on me, damn it,’ he suddenly burst out and I felt all the tension and frustration he had been dealing with for the last several hours. I thought about what he had to have gone through to have gotten here as fast as he had.  
  
‘Didn’t… hijack… shuttle… did you?’ I panted out and over the line I heard his soft moan. Damn, I just couldn’t get a laugh tonight.  
  
I was taken with another coughing fit, and Quatre took the phone away from me. I almost reached for it.  
  
‘Let him rest a minute, Heero,’ I heard him say, and then, voice a little fearful, ‘Is the emergency crew here yet?’  
  
The world was fading at the edges and I wanted to tell him that I thought it was too late, but I didn’t have the breath.  
  
+  
  
His voice sounded so…frail. His breathing was harsh and labored. Had I not already been on the ground, I think I would have fallen. I could not deal with not being able to reach him. I wanted him out of there. I wanted him safe. I wanted him in my arms.  
  
‘Don’t you dare fucking die on me, damn it,’ I hissed before I could stop it, and had to choke back on the sudden bubble of a sob. It was quiet for a bit and then his voice came again, and how in the hell he managed the teasing tone, I’ll never know.   
  
‘Didn’t… hijack… shuttle… did you?’  
  
It almost undid me. Then I heard the harsh sound of coughing and suddenly it was Quatre on the line again.  
  
He tried to reassure me, but then he negated that reassurance by asking about the emergency squad. I could tell from his voice that we really needed them. He must have taken the phone away from his face, because his voice became distant, but I could still hear him softly calling Duo’s name.  
  
My partner, he of the exceptional hearing, took the phone away from me and wrapped me close in his arms there on the ground.  
  
The world around me was in sharp focus. I heard every noise. I felt every bit of debris under me. The beam in front of my eyes was sharp and detailed in my sight. I could smell the faint traces of distant smoke. Could almost taste the bitter tang of it in the back of my throat. I was strung as tight as if for battle, but there was nothing I could do and it was eating me alive from the inside out.  
  
I heard the sound of sirens in the middle distance, and I noted Trowa and Justin run to wave them down, they were still some blocks away. I heard Wufei talking softly to Quatre for a few moments and then he slipped the phone into his pocket. Behind me, I heard Misty arguing with Carrie over something, and Carrie suddenly getting a firm tone, telling her mother in no uncertain terms that, ‘I gots a _mission!’_

Perhaps it was the word ‘mission’ that got my attention. It was such an odd thing for a four year old to say. She suddenly slipped free of her mother who was also hanging onto the wiggling Bernie.  
  
She ran right to me, before anyone could stop her, though I saw both Misty and Wufei look somewhat horrified.  
  
She came and squatted down in front of me, peering intently at my face, and I wiped half-heartedly at my eyes. Wufei loosed his hold on me a little so that I could turn towards her. I didn’t deal with her all that often. Though she was supposed to be my Godchild as much as Duo’s, I just wasn’t all that comfortable around small children. To tell you the truth, I’d always thought she was a little afraid of me. When I reflected on it, I realized she had just been through what should have been the single most traumatic event in her life. I didn’t know much about children, but I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t crying hysterically.  
  
‘Why aren’t you scared?’ I blurted, shocking myself with my own insensitivity.   
  
But she just grinned at me. ‘Silly Unca Heero,’ she scolded me. ‘Unca Duo said to not be scared.’   
  
I almost laughed. Well, that certainly explained it; everything in the world was all right if Uncle Duo said so.   
  
She looked at me closer. ‘You cryin’, Unca Heero?’  
  
Misty had moved up behind her and I heard her gasp.  
  
I thought about lying, but there really didn’t seem to be much point. ‘A little,’ I told her and she nodded, reaching to take something from around her neck.  
  
Before I quite knew what she was doing, she had thrown her arms around my neck and hugged me hard. ‘That’s from Unca Duo,’ she proclaimed, and if that alone hadn’t been enough to break me, she handed me Duo’s cross.  
  
‘Unca Duo gave it to me to keeps me safe until I gots out of the cave.’  
  
I blinked at it, where it lay in my hand. That small, familiar thing that was as much a part of my Duo as his silken hair and his infectious grin.  
  
‘He said if Unca Heero cried I was s’pposed to give it to him.’ She addressed that last to Wufei, perhaps because I wasn’t listening all that closely any more.   
  
I felt Wufei take it, undo the clasp and slip it around my neck. When it was fastened securely, he tucked it inside my shirt. It still felt warm from Carrie wearing it, and I closed my eyes, pretending it was still warm from Duo’s skin. He will amaze me until the day I die. Trapped down there in the dark, with a freaking house on top of him, and he had thought to try to find a way to comfort me.  
  
Over my head, Wufei said softly to Carrie, ‘Mission accomplished.’ And she bent to give me a last kiss on the cheek before letting her mother lead her away.  
  
I let Wufei’s arms envelop me again.   
  
+  
  
I came back again to the soft sound of Quatre calling my name, voice tinged with fear.  
  
‘S’ok,’ I managed for him, and finding his hand still clutching mine, I squeezed as well as I could.  
  
‘Duo,’ he was telling me. ‘You just have to hang on a little longer. They’re here. It won’t be long now.’  
  
I was swirled back through time to a dark night on the road and Quatre’s voice calling us home over a stolen radio. I smiled.  
  
‘Ok… Mr.… Hawk…’   
  
I actually got a tiny smile and I blinked to realize I could see it. He was lying on the ground, curled beside me so he was down on my level where I could see him. I smiled in return.  
  
‘That’s right, Mr. Black,’ he told me. ‘You’ve always been the toughest of us. You’ve been through worse than this. Everything’s going to be all right.’  
  
His words warmed me and lulled me, and I clung to his fingers and listened to his murmured reassurances. I just hoped that somewhere up there, somebody was holding Heero’s hand as well.  
  
+  
  
The ambulance was finally there, and Trowa let Justin lead them up to the hole, running ahead and reclaiming his cell phone from Wufei. He punched the button for Quatre and handed it over to the EMT as soon as the group of them strode up. Wufei was pulling me to my feet, moving me out of the way. I went; my eyes watching as the other two men knelt beside that dark hole in the ground with power tools. Finally… finally… finally…  
  
The chief was conferring with Quatre, and they were making decisions based on what he was saying. A man was sent back to the truck for something. The huge circular saw was started up. My hands were clenched at my side. Finally…finally…finally…  
  
Wufei was still beside me, his hands on my shoulders. I saw Trowa look our way, as though getting some signal from Wufei. He came toward us and I found myself braced between them.  
  
‘Heero,’ Wufei was saying, ‘we have to stay out of the way.’  
  
They thought I was going to try to get down that hole as soon as the obstruction was cleared away. They were probably right. All bets were pretty much off as to what I might or might not do.   
  
‘He may _want_ you down there, Heero,’ Trowa said softly, ‘but he _needs_ them.’  
  
‘I know,’ I told them, just so they knew I was still in there somewhere. Even though my eyes never left the man with the screaming saw. Even though my body was tensing for the struggle without any real conscious effort on my part.  
  
Their hands tightened as the first cut was finished, and the second was begun.  
  
Finally… finally… finally…  
  
+  
  
Quatre’s phone rang and he sat up to answer it, but he kept his hand on mine.  
  
He was telling someone we didn’t know in clipped tones just what equipment they needed down here. Explaining about the spikes rammed through my chest. I heard the word _shock_. I heard the words _blood loss_. I heard the word _hurry._

I wanted to ask him to put Heero on for a minute. I wanted to say goodbye… just in case.   
  
But over our heads somewhere, there was the sudden roar of power equipment. I couldn’t have spoken loud enough for him to hear me over that anyway.  
  
+  
  
‘ _Heero…’_ Wufei was warning me, telling me he didn’t want a wrestling match here in the middle of the rubble. Telling me there was no way in the seven hells they were going to let me down there. And I knew I couldn’t go. Knew I had to wait a little longer.  
  
‘I _know_ ,’ I snarled as I watched the chunk of beam removed and the opening was finally clear. I didn’t lunge for it. I didn’t make them force me back. But my eyes were getting gritty from not blinking as I stared at it. As though I could pull Duo out of there with my thoughts. _I’m here. I’m here. Hang on, love; just hang on._

The chief disappeared into that dark maw, carrying a spotlight, and there was the strange glow of light from underground after that. Shining crazily up through the rubble. There was nothing for a bit. Then the radio in the hand of the man waiting by the entrance crackled to life. I jumped.  
  
He stretched a hand down after a moment and helped Quatre out of the hole. Then he gathered his equipment and followed his chief.  
  
I realized I was leaning toward the hole and made myself stop.   
  
+  
  
Quatre was hunched protectively over me, even though we seemed to be some distance from where the work was being done. He still had hold of my hand, and when the noise stopped he rubbed the back of my knuckles with his thumb. ‘Still with me, Duo?’  
  
I hummed an affirmative and listened to the sounds of heavy boots coming down the steps. With a final squeeze, Quatre rose to guide the man down the stairs.   
  
‘Don’t step on any of that!’ he called, and I could have kissed him. Didn’t want anybody doing that again, thank you very much, once was more than enough.  
  
He guided the man around until he was standing in that one small clear spot in front of the sink. I wanted to look up, but couldn’t raise my head. They conversed, words quick and terse. I couldn’t think past the pain to really focus on it.  
  
Then Quatre squatted back down beside me and stroked my cheek by way of farewell. ‘See you top side, _kittling_.’  
  
‘Quatre… tell… Heero…’ I wanted so badly to be able to talk, I wanted the air to tell Quatre all the things I needed to say to Heero, but he ran his thumb gently across my lips and silenced me.  
  
‘You’ll tell him yourself, damnit!’ and then he was gone. I felt a pang of loss, but the EMT guy was sitting down in the spot he had just vacated.  
  
‘So,’ he said even as his fingers were feeling around the parts of me he could get to, ‘don’t tell me I have to call you kittling?’ His voice was gruff, but not unkind.  
  
‘I’d rather… you didn’t…’ I panted. ‘Name’s… Duo…’  
  
He chuckled lightly; I could feel him taking my pulse. ‘Duo then,’ he confirmed, and I wanted to tell him he didn’t need to bother with the banter, but it didn’t seem to be worth the effort.  
  
I heard someone else coming down the stairs, lugging heavy equipment.  
  
‘You?’ I gasped out, and it took him a minute.  
  
‘Roger; my name’s Roger.’ He was stroking his fingers over my head, looking for wounds I guess.  
  
‘Roger… please… don’t let… them… step on… my board.’  
  
I got a laugh, my first real one all night. Other than from Carrie, but I didn’t count them. It felt like a small triumph.  
  
‘Sure thing, Duo,’ I could hear him smiling.  
  
He got down on the floor then, and flashed a small pin light in my eyes. ‘Heero, huh? Asian looking guy?’  
  
‘Yeah…’ I gasped, blinking at the sudden light, unsure where this was leading, but all I got was a chuckle.  
  
‘That would explain why your other two buddies had him in a head lock,’ he told me wryly and all I could do was grin. I couldn’t even manage a decent blush.  
  
Then he was gone from my side, orders were being issued and equipment was being passed around. I think there were three of them down here, but one of them had to stay on the stairs and hold the light because there just wasn’t room for all of us.  
  
Roger came back and I was a little surprised at the relief that flooded through me. Damn… we’d bonded already.  
  
They were trying to work my legs free, shifting wreckage away from me in little increments.   
  
Something pulled out of my leg and I hissed, but let it go. It was going to have to come out sooner or later anyway. There was an exclamation from one of the other guys and an exchange of words.

Roger leaned down, worried. ‘Didn’t you feel that?’  
  
‘Hell… yes,’ I ground out.  
  
‘Damn it…’ he muttered and took my hand, ‘don’t do that, Duo. Tell us…’  
  
‘Just… don’t touch… _my_ board… and we’ll be… fine,’ I told him.  
  
I think he growled. ‘Be more careful,’ he called to his buddies. ‘We got a tough guy here.’  
  
‘Nah…’ I panted. ‘I just… gotta… pee…’  
  
His laugh rang loud and honest and I marked myself up another point.  
  
The shifting of debris slowed some, but continued. Roger was looking around, and grunted, poking his hand into the sink. ‘This where you had the kid stashed?’   
  
‘Yeah,’ I confirmed, not able to elaborate.  
  
‘Damn good thinking,’ he praised. ‘You probably saved her life.’ He turned and looked around a little more. ‘No… you definitely saved her life.’  
  
I grunted. I had kind of already figured that out. Just too damn bad the secret cave hadn’t been big enough for all three of us.  
  
‘Duo?’ he said, a little loudly. ‘You still with us?’  
  
‘Where… else?’ I muttered and he chuckled again. I could work with this kind of crowd. The last one had been a tough room.  
  
That other voice, belonging to the guy I hadn’t even seen yet, clinically called out my condition as he uncovered things. I was apparently punctured like a damn pincushion and my freaking leg was broken. Broken bad enough he could see it. I hadn’t even noticed over the more… immediate concern.   
  
‘Listen, kid…’ I almost laughed. I could just barely see the guy, and though he looked like he might be in his forties, I sure as hell wasn’t a kid any more.  
  
‘I know…’ I cut him off. ‘Spikes… aren’t comin’ out... down here.’  
  
It was his turn to grunt. ‘Tough guy _and_ a smart guy… don’t think I can deal with much more out of you.’ There was a moment of silence. Behind me, I could feel a lot more air on my lower half and figured they just about had me uncovered.  
  
‘We’re going to have to cut the beam…’ He took my hand.  
  
‘And… it’s gonna hurt… like a… mother…’ I finished for him.  
  
I didn’t win the chuckle this time. ‘Yeah,’ he confirmed and I could tell they were getting ready to start.   
  
‘Just… do it… fast,’ I told him, turned my face to the floor and curled my good arm around my head.  
  
‘Damn,’ I heard Roger mutter and then there was the sound of an engine roaring to life.   
  
Shit, this was going to suck.  
  
 +  
  
We couldn’t hear much from down below, though once the three EMT’s had gone down, the guys did move us to where I could see. About all we were able to discern was the last man down, where he squatted on the steps holding the light.   
  
It was a nightmare world down there. I marveled that Carrie had come out of that hellhole without so much as a splinter. Somehow, I knew it was thanks to Duo.   
  
Below us, I heard someone laugh and I flinched. It was such a surreal thing to hear coming from there. Beside me, Quatre grinned.  
  
‘Duo’s been trying to make jokes,’ he explained and then kind of looked sad again. ‘Glad he found someone to laugh for him. I couldn’t manage it.’  
  
I looked at him, really looked, for the first time since he had come up out of there. I found, to my consternation, that he had sacrificed some skin off his back and chest to make it through that sliver of an entrance.  
  
‘Thank you, Quatre,’ I murmured, not trusting my voice for any more than that. He smiled across at me and below us there was the sudden startling sound of a saw motor. We all jumped.  
  
‘What the hell?’ I muttered, and saw Quatre look around at the others. His expression told me there was something I didn’t know yet. ‘What the hell?’ I repeated, making it a real question this time and not just idle wondering.  
  
If there had not been the sound of the saw below us, a silence would have ensued that would have allowed a pin dropping to be heard. I turned on Wufei, because I never could yell at Quatre.  
  
‘Tell me,’ I growled.   
  
And when he did, I had to lunge away to throw up.  
  
   
  
They did their best to hold it steady, but come on…there was just no way in hell. The vibration of that saw cutting through that beam was some of the worst pain I have ever endured. I would have screamed like a baby if I’d had the air for it. Roger was hovering over me, trying to protect me from the sawdust. They made the first cut and the guy with the saw had to maneuver around to get at the other side. Roger drew back and rubbed a hand against the back of my head. I was too fucking far gone to care. I felt him checking my pulse. He leaned close and yelled to me over the sound of the saw.  
  
‘Duo? Talk to me, man.’  
  
I was really sorry then about not having the damn breath to speak, because a half a dozen really good wisecracks flitted through my head that I truly wanted to deliver.   
  
‘Just… fucking… _do_ it,’ I croaked. I don’t see how in the hell he heard me, but he must have, because the saw was biting into the wood again. It was a hundred times worse this time with the beam only supported on one side.   
  
Blackness finally swept up and took me away. I would have thanked the Gods if I could have.  
  
   
  
The noise of the saw quit, and the man on the stairs scrambled up, calling for the gurney. Trowa pulled the thing over and passed it down. It was still an unbearable amount of time before movement finally showed that they were bringing him up. I moved forward to help pull the gurney out through the hole, Wufei let me go, moving to the other side to balance me.  
  
I missed the gentle rubbing on my back, the firm hands reminding me to breathe.  
  
Duo was face down on the gurney, the chunk of wood still attached, wrapped in padding trying to keep it steady. He… looked like a broken doll. His breath was coming in bubbly pants, there was blood smeared across his lips. His leg was broken, a compound fracture… I could see it. I could see blood from other things, but couldn’t tell what the hell all was wrong with him. My vision blurred again and I blinked furiously to clear my sight. Duo needed me.  
  
Half out of the hole, his eyes suddenly blinked open and he was reaching out towards the EMT chief.  
  
‘Don’t let… Carrie… see…’ The sound of his voice tore at me; so broken, so damn bubbly. It spoke of blood in the lungs. Quatre turned immediately away to find Carrie and her parents, making sure they kept her clear. Wufei pulled his jacket off and gently spread it over Duo’s legs.   
  
They set him down once they were clear of the rubble. An oxygen mask went on, now that they weren’t running power tools, and the chief was starting an IV.   
  
‘Duo?’ I called to him softly, in the moment I had before they started moving with him again. ‘Can you hear me?’  
  
His eyes found me and he smiled as best he could through the mask.   
  
‘Love… you,’ he said then, and I knew it for the goodbye it was.  
  
‘You’re going to be all right,’ I told him, letting my hands stroke over his cheek and through his hair. ‘You hear me, damn it?’  
  
He just looked at me, exhaustion and pain clear in his eyes, and I was as scared as I have ever been in my entire life. He was tired of fighting…he was ready to let go. I tried to imagine what it had been like for him down there, but really couldn’t.  
  
‘Duo, please, don’t leave me…’ I breathed, that tether that held us together. That phrase that had been between us from the day our forced partnership had started to turn into something more. ‘Don’t leave me here alone.’  
  
It was like watching someone struggle upright under a great weight. You could freaking see it in his eyes; that moment when he stopped thinking about how bad it was hurting and starting thinking about…me. He might not be able to hang on for himself, but by the Gods he would hang on for me. My eyes blurred again.  
  
‘Damn,’ I heard the gruff voice of the squad chief beside me and he slapped my shoulder. ‘You’re with us.’  
  
I blinked. It hadn’t occurred to me that they might not let me ride with Duo, but the man had already forgotten me.  
  
‘Time to go, tough guy,’ he addressed Duo and we were lifting the gurney again.  
  
‘Unca Duo!’ I heard behind us, and glanced to see Carrie standing between her parents waving frantically. Duo’s hand rose slightly for her, though I could see it cost him. I saw Duo’s mouth try to form words and I struggled to think of something Duo might say to her.  
  
‘Uncle Duo says he’ll see you later… munchkin,’ I called and if the bright smile on her face hadn’t told me I’d done all right, the smile I found on Duo’s face when I looked back, would have.  
  
   
  
And thank the Gods again; I stayed in that dark oblivion while they loaded me into the metal basket and began the climb out of that damn hellhole. My next fleeting kiss with consciousness found me half in and half out of that pile of rubble that used to be Misty’s house. I think it was the brush of the cool night air that brought me back. All I could think about was what I probably looked like.  
  
‘Don’t let… Carrie… see…’ I panted out, trying to find Roger, my trusted savior. But it was Wufei and Quatre who came to the rescue, and I relaxed, trusting them to see to it that Carrie didn’t see anything that would give her nightmares. I wanted very badly for her _not_ to have nightmares.  
  
There were a few dizzying moments, while I was hauled almost upright to get the gurney through that entrance, and then they were setting me down.  
  
Roger and his boys were doing things to me, I couldn’t have cared less what, because I finally heard Heero’s voice and he was there, squatting down beside me. ’Duo? Can you hear me?’  
  
Gods, his voice was a solace. I had been wanting that voice for so long. His hands were touching me, gently stroking through my hair and over my face. I could feel his fingers trembling.   
  
I was so tired. I hurt so bad. I just wanted to close my eyes and make the pain go away. I wanted to rest. Someone else was there to take care of Carrie now. I didn’t need to be on guard any more. I just needed to tell Heero, ‘Love… you.’  
  
‘You’re going to be all right,’ he growled, his voice thick and hurting and scared. ‘You hear me, damn it?’  
  
I couldn’t answer him. I didn’t know how. I honest to the Gods didn’t think that I _was_ going to be all right. I just wanted to let it go.  
  
‘Duo, please, don’t leave me…’ That thing we said to each other, that last ditch, you can _not_ do this to me thing. ‘Don’t leave me here alone.’  
  
Of course I couldn’t give up. What the hell had I been thinking? He was tied to me and I was tied to him, bound together with threads woven from the fiber of our souls. If I let go, he would let go with me. I couldn’t let that happen. I would bear whatever had to be borne for Heero’s sake.  
  
It got hazy then, they lifted me again, and I was engulfed with another wave of that lightheadedness. I heard Carrie call me and I tried to answer her, but couldn’t. Over my head, Heero called to her, offering comfort on my behalf. He called her munchkin; something he never did. I knew he was trying to give her something that sounded like it had come from me. Some message to her little four-year-old ears from her favorite Unca Duo.  
  
I smiled up at him; I would probably have told her that the Guardian spirits had finally come together… but munchkin would do.  
  
   
  
I settled myself in an out of the way spot behind the driver’s seat, near Duo’s head, and dared anybody to try to deny me. They would have to shoot me to get me out of that damned ambulance; I wasn’t leaving him.   
  
To my relief, no one mentioned it. I knew this was pretty much against regulations, but the chief just smiled at me, a big, friendly, amused grin that I found vaguely annoying.  
  
The doors of the ambulance slammed shut and I lost sight of Wufei and the others. I knew they would follow us.  
  
I took Duo’s right hand in my left and slid my other hand under his hair to rest gently curled against the back of his neck. It was about the only places I could see clearly that I could touch without hurting him.   
  
The siren above us woke and began to wail, the ambulance easing into reverse. I could tell the driver was trying to be careful, but the movement brought a whimper from Duo’s lips anyway. I squeezed his hand.  
  
The EMT chief had stayed in the back with us, the other two were in the front, ‘You’re Heero, right?’ the guy asked me as he shifted from where he was sitting to try and steady the board resting against Duo’s back.  
  
I nodded, and he took hold of my right hand and slid it under the chunk of wood on the opposite side from where he was supporting it.  
  
‘I’m Roger,’ he told me with that same strange grin. ‘You’re a shock absorber.’  
  
I grunted with no little surprise, wanting to jerk my hand away, afraid I would hurt Duo.  
  
‘It’ll hurt him worse if we hit a bump and that thing gets twisted,’ he said as though reading my mind, he looked at me a little appraisingly. ‘Want me to get Isaac to come back here?’  
  
I felt Duo clutch at my hand, and I shook my head. ‘I’ve got it.’   
  
The ambulance had gotten turned around, and we were starting to pick up speed.  
  
‘You’re only here because you looked a little shocky,’ Roger said to me then and I blinked up at him. He only winked. ‘This is breaking every rule ever written; I could get in a lot of trouble.’  
  
‘Then why…?’ I muttered, meeting his gaze and not understanding.  
  
His face got serious. ‘I think you know why,’ he said softly, then the grin sprang back. ‘You’re supposed to be talking to tough guy, here.’ He leaned down, looking into Duo’s face. ‘You still with me, tough guy?’  
  
‘Where… hell… else?’ murmured Duo and my heart ached in my chest listening to his labored voice through the mask.  
  
I let go of his hand to stroke my fingertips gently across his face. Roger rather pointedly turned away, looking out the back window. I leaned down and gentle as a feather, kissed Duo’s temple, all I could really reach.  
  
‘You go and die on me and I’ll kill you,’ I whispered close to his ear and was graced with a tiny snort of a laugh.  
  
‘I’m… tryin’…’ he murmured.  
  
‘Come on, love; we’ve been through worse,’ I tried to reassure him, was desperate to keep him talking, but was heartbroken listening to him struggle with the words.  
  
He grunted softly, his fingers questing for mine. I took his hand again and grasped it tight.  
  
‘You telling me this is worse than the Road Trip to Hell?’ I teased lightly, just trying to keep the flow of words coming.  
  
‘Time… fades… things,’ he panted, then coughed, and I retrieved my hand long enough to wipe the blood from his lips.  
  
‘Never thought I’d live to see you brought down by a little thing like having a house… fall on you.’ My voice broke and I had to stop, leaning over to rest my forehead against the side of his head.  
  
‘S’ok,’ he told me and I almost lost it.  
  
I clutched at his fingers and kissed the top of his head. ‘I’m here.’   
  
‘Hurts,’ he breathed, voice for me and me alone.  
  
It felt like I was dying inside. ‘I know, love. I know.’  
  
I cast about, trying to find something that might distract him. ‘Duo? You know that vacation we were talking about?’  
  
He hummed an affirmative and I sighed a little for him. ‘We may have to put it off. I sort of… damaged a Lear jet getting home.’ I felt guilty as hell doing it, but concern for me was the only thing I could think of that might turn his thoughts outward.  
  
‘You… ok?’ He immediately tried to raise his head to look at me but I held him down.  
  
‘We’re fine,’ I soothed. ‘But I’m probably going to have to pay for the damages.’  
  
‘Didn’t… _steal…?_ ’ he began and I cut him off with a chuckle.  
  
‘No, we just abused the hell out of the name of the Preventer’s organization.’ I caught a stiffening in Rogers’s spine, but I didn’t care; the dullness in Duo’s eyes was a little faded.  
  
‘It took us both to get it back on the ground,’ I told him and truly felt like shit worrying him like this, but I had his attention.  
  
‘Wind… sheers?’ the pilot in him asked.  
  
‘Yes,’ I confirmed. ‘Tore up the front landing gear pretty good.’  
  
‘Shouldn’t… have… fucking… been in… the air.’  
  
Roger turned toward me and smiled, giving me a thumbs up sign, apparently pleased that I was doing the job he had let me in here to do.  
  
‘What the hell was I supposed to do when you didn’t answer your cell phone?’ I mock growled at him.  
  
‘Called… Trowa…?’ he grinned up at me and I chuckled for him.  
  
‘We did that too.’  
  
‘Did you… have to… call… the damn… thing so… often?’ he struggled through it, but the frustration was plain in his voice.  
  
‘Sorry, love,’ I told him, chagrined. ‘It was all I had.’  
  
‘Thought… I was… gonna… scream,’ he tried a glare but it just wasn’t up to par.  
  
I stroked his hair and turned to look out the front. ‘We should be getting close,’ I ventured and heard Roger clear his throat. I turned back to see him looking at me, tired and vaguely unhappy.  
  
‘The County hospital closed their emergency room an hour ago, they’re full,’ he told me softly. ‘We’re heading on over to St. Michaels.’  
  
I thought I would truly break down and weep then; St. Michaels was another good twenty miles.   
  
I took a deep breath and turned back to Duo. ‘So just what the hell is a secret cave?’ Carrie was the only other thing I could think of that might just keep his mind occupied.

+

It was Heero’s voice that got me through that nightmare ride. I hope I’m around to tell him that someday. It didn’t matter what he was saying, most of it washed right over me without leaving much of an impression. It was just his tone. I could hear his love and his fear. I could feel his frustration and guilt. When I thought I could not hang on even one more minute, his voice would come and wrap around me again, holding me up and keeping me anchored.  
  
We’d promised, in that other lifetime, that neither of us would ever ask the other to go on alone. I came as close as I ever have to breaking that promise that night. I was as sure as the sun was going to come up in the morning that I was going to die. But there was Heero, holding my hand and stroking my cheek and begging me to hold on just a little longer. My word bound me not to ask him to live on without me. My heart could not face the possibility of his death, even if I wouldn’t be around for it. So I held on. Just one more mile, just one more minute, and finally… just one more excruciating breath. In the end, all I had was the rasp of my own breathing… and Heero’s voice.  
  
+  
  
By the time we got to the hospital, he wasn’t answering me any more. His eyes were just open and staring straight ahead, but he had stopped responding. So I just talked, not knowing what the hell else to do. He was still with me, I could feel it in the clutch of his fingers, but it was as though all his strength had been reserved for forcing his body to inhale and exhale, one ragged breath at a time.  
  
‘…you remember that mission with the flea infested safe house? That medic said you were made out of gundanium, remember? Accused me of dragging you back to the base behind the damn truck. I’ll never understand why they always thought your getting hurt was _my_ damn fault somehow. This can’t be any worse than the time you jumped out of that Gods damned car at fifty miles an hour, can it? Just hang on a little longer, love. We’ve got to be getting close…just a little longer. Do it for me, my little one? Please don’t die on me…’  
  
+  
  
Pain. Fear. Heero’s sweet voice behind it all. Inhale. Exhale. Pain…Gods the pain. Inhale. Exhale. Heero needs me. Can’t let Heero down. Inhale. Exhale. I can’t do it. Heero’s calling me… I _have_ to do it. In…inhale. Exhale. For Heero. For Heero. Just one more time. Inhale. Exhale. Heero’s voice, like an anchor, holding me fast. Inhale… Heero? Where…?  
  
+  
  
I knew they were going to separate us at the hospital, but it didn’t make it any easier to let go of his hand when the time came. I just stood where they left me in the middle of the damned hall, watching them wheel him away and feeling like my entire world had just splintered into a million shards. They had called ahead, and the surgery bay had already been set up, they didn’t even pause in the emergency room, just rushed him straight through the huge double doors that I was not allowed to pass.  
  
I’m sure I only stood there for a matter of a few minutes before my friends were surrounding me, but it seemed like an eternity. Quatre and Trowa came in on either side of me and led me into the waiting room, finding a place with enough chairs to accommodate all of us, and settled me into a corner seat where they could buffer me from the world. Misty and Justin were there, off in the depths of the emergency room, getting Carrie checked out. Wufei came and squatted in front of me, forcing me to make eye contact.  
  
‘Yuy?’ he said softly. ‘How was he doing?’  
  
I blinked at him, raising a hand to rub across my face, and found myself shaking like a leaf. ‘I don’t… not good,’ I told him, sounding a little hoarse from all that talking. ‘I’m not sure…’ My voice caught and I stopped.  
  
Wufei laid his hand on the back of my neck and pulled my head down to rest on his shoulder, whispering harsh next to my ear, ‘He’s going to make it. He’s going to be all right.’  
  
Trowa was rubbing a hand up and down my back, and Quatre had hold of my shoulder. They waited until I had pushed the hysteria down and I sat back up. I cleared my throat and tried again.  
  
‘He was talking to me a bit when we first left the… house, but by the time we got here, he wasn’t responding to me at all.’  
  
‘Why the hell did they come all the way to St. Michaels?’ Trowa wanted to know.  
  
‘County was so swamped they shut down their emergency room,’ I told him with a sigh, fighting off a shiver. ‘I thought… I thought we’d never get here.’  
  
I was vaguely aware of Trowa stirring on my left side, sitting up and shifting, and then a jacket was being slipped around my shoulders. I opened my mouth to object, but he just smiled at me.  
  
‘Put it on Heero, I’m fine.’  
  
I didn’t fight it anymore; it felt good and helped ease the shivering. I murmured a thank you, letting them help me into it.   
  
The doors where Duo had disappeared suddenly swung outward, disgorging Roger and his men. Wufei rose from in front of me to intercept them, but as soon as they saw us, Roger came our way.  
  
‘He’s in surgery already,’ he told us without preamble. ‘They were ready for him. Called Doc McKay in; he’s in the best hands he could be in.’  
  
Wufei took charge for me, thanking them and shaking hands, trying to safeguard me from having to interact with the outside world. Roger, however, had other ideas, and came around him as though he weren’t even there.  
  
He reached out and thumped me gently on the shoulder. ‘Damn fine job, back there,’ he told me. ‘You handled it just right. Not sure we’d have gotten him here without you.’  
  
I grunted; as comforting words… they weren’t very.  
  
Then they were gone, striding off to go back out and try to save somebody else. I had the presence of mind at the last moment, to glance at their insignia and get the number of their engine company; fifty-one. Duo would want to thank them.  
  
A nurse came then and found us, leading us through a maze of corridors to a waiting room separate from the emergency room, for families of surgery patients. It was blessedly empty. After seeing the way there, Quatre went back to tell Misty and Justin where it was so they could come down when the doctors were done with Carrie.   
  
I found myself wishing they wouldn’t come. I didn’t want the eyes of outsiders on me right now. I felt a certain pressure to maintain a level of control I didn’t feel up to. I just wanted them to go away, and I felt guilty for wishing it.  
  
When Quatre came back, he settled himself beside Trowa, receiving a soft kiss and a reassuring hug. I felt a pang, watching them. They had become, in the years since the war, rather comfortable with their relationship. They could walk down the sidewalk together hand in hand and never think a thing about it. It still disturbed me; I didn’t like the feel of eyes on me. Didn’t like the attention it always drew for two men to show affection in public. Duo and I had never really talked about it, we didn’t go out of our way to hide our relationship, but we didn’t advertise it either. I found myself worrying that maybe it bothered Duo that I couldn’t take his hand in the mall or put my arm around him when we walked down the street.   
  
My fingers, of their own accord, found the small gold cross around my neck and gently caressed it. I wished I were the type of person who could pray.   
  
Wufei was sitting down beside me, and I realized that he had been gone for some minutes. He gently but firmly pressed a Styrofoam cup of something hot into my hands.  
  
‘Drink,’ he commanded gruffly. ‘You’re still chilled.’  
  
I took it and sipped automatically, it was hot chocolate and I grimaced.  
  
‘It was either that or coffee,’ he smiled faintly; I hate coffee.  
  
I wasn’t crazy about hot chocolate either, but it felt soothing going down, warming me from the inside out. Duo loved hot chocolate. He melted marshmallows in it, ate buttered toast with it and turned its consumption into an art form.   
  
I had to close my eyes for a moment, and I felt Wufei’s hand come to rest on my back. I felt vaguely guilty how much I wanted that touch. I wanted to throw myself into his arms and sob my heart out. I wanted to scream Duo’s name. I wanted someone to rock me and tell me everything was going to be fine. Instead, I sipped at my cup of hot chocolate.  
  
Misty and Justin came in not long after, Carrie running ahead of them, her exuberance testimony that she was fine. She was dragging that stupid bear still, the one that Duo had given her… Gods; just last night. The one that he said she had named Dirt. I’m sure there was never a Steiff bear in the world that had been dragged around the way this one had been. It was already looking a little bedraggled, but like Carrie and Bernie, had come through the collapse of a house relatively untouched. I was oddly pleased that Duo’s gift to her had survived the disaster. Then I noticed the quilt folded and hanging over Misty’s arm and I could have cried. I had watched Duo create that quilt over a period of months. Had watched him struggle with the design and concept, had spent sweet, peaceful evenings reading to him while he sewed. I was more than oddly pleased that _it_ had survived. More than pleased that Carrie had thought enough of it to take it with her to the sanctuary of the basement. I had another moment of needing to close my eyes.  
  
Wufei’s hand made those calming circles on my back.  
  
‘Let’s see your bear, Carrie,’ I heard Quatre say and I opened my eyes to see her hand it over to him. His eyes widened when he got a closer look at it and he glanced at me. If anyone in this room would know what that bear was, Quatre would. He grinned at her. ‘Let me guess, honey; Uncle Duo gave this to you?’  
  
‘Uh-huh,’ she confirmed with a happy smile. ‘His names Dirt.’ Quatre had to stifle a laugh.  
  
‘Well, he’s a darn pretty bear,’ Quatre smiled at her and I realized that he had made it his business, on Duo’s behalf, to keep this little girl from being frightened by what was going on around her.   
  
‘He’s like on my blanky too,’ she told him, taking the bear back and tucking it under her arm. ‘Cept his eyes aren’t green.’   
  
‘Well, he’s got brown eyes like yours,’ Quatre reassured her, sharing a knowing glance with Trowa. ‘So I’m sure that’s ok.’  
  
‘Unca Duo gots me a big black kitty at the… ’seum, so I...’ Her face clouded over suddenly as she remembered that the ‘big black kitty’ was long gone. She made a tiny little ‘oh’ sound, and her lip began to tremble.   
  
I knew that look would have melted Duo into a puddle on the spot, and I found myself saying, ‘That’s all right… munchkin; Uncle Duo and I will buy you another one.’  
  
Her smile blazed back to life and she jumped up and down. ‘Oh boy! He’s like on my blanky too! Now I needs the birdie, the puppy, and the d’agon!’ She smiled happily, pronouncing the next part very carefully, as though repeating something important, ‘Then the five Guardian Spirits will come and make everything better!’  
  
The looks we gave her must have been rather blank, because she rolled her eyes in four year old exasperation, ran over to where her parents were sitting, a little apart from us, and came running back with her quilt. She spent some time trying to spread it out on the floor, and Quatre got down and helped her. Seeing the thing again, made my heart ache in my chest. Wufei’s hand slid up my back and settled on my shoulder with a firm grip.   
  
After the quilt was spread out, she straightened the arms and legs of Dirt and laid him down next to the appliquéd picture of the bear. ‘See?’ she pointed, as though we were blind or stupid. ‘And the black kitty…’  
  
‘Panther,’ Quatre corrected, his voice strained.  
  
‘Yeah!’ Carrie beamed at him. ‘That’s it! I needs to get the birdie…’ She pointed at the next fanciful creature wrought by Duo’s hand.  
  
‘Hawk,’ whispered Quatre.  
  
‘Yeah! And the…’ This time she just looked up at Quatre and waited for him to supply the word.  
  
‘Wolf.’  
  
‘And the D’agon!’ Her bright voice seemed so out of place here. ‘Unca Duo said that…’ She furrowed her brow in childish thought and then quoted, ‘Nothing is stronger than the five Spirits together and their love shines like the sun…’ She faltered. ‘But Unca Duo couldn’t finish the story ‘cause he got a bad cough.’   
  
She looked so tiny and innocent to have delivered that blow. Wufei lunged from his place beside me and strode completely out of the room, Carrie looking after him quizzically. Quatre leaned back against Trowa’s legs and reached blindly out for the hand that was seeking his.   
  
And I… I just felt abandoned and alone. Cold down to my soul where the warmth of jackets and hot chocolate would never reach. I felt a taste of what life would be like without my heart, and I knew the decision of whether or not to go on without him wasn’t even in my hands. There _was_ no life without Duo. Without my Duo… there was just nothing.  
  
Her mother called her away then, and she took her things to go sit with them. Quatre got up off the floor to sit back down in the chair next to Trowa, who wrapped him in a comforting embrace. Wufei came back after a while, looking guilty and chagrined, and took his place beside me. Before he had the chance, I sat back and put my hand on _his_ shoulder, squeezing gently. It had taken a small child to remind me that I was not the only one in the room who loved Duo. I was not the only one who was suffering here.  
  
‘You all right?’ I asked softly.  
  
He grunted and nodded a tight little nod. ‘Wouldn’t have thought a child that size could cut your heart out and feed it to you like that,’ he murmured low enough so that the words were for me alone.  
  
I smiled for him and then we grew quiet. Other than the muted sounds of the hospital around us, the only noise was Carrie prattling away to her mother and father about her weekend. It was apparently impossible to keep a child of four quiet. I kept waiting for her to get tired and fall asleep somewhere, but it didn’t seem like it was going to happen. I found myself wishing again that they would just go away. Somewhere in there, it hit me they probably had nowhere to go. So I offered them the keys to our apartment, feeling guilty as hell as they thanked me. But in the end, they blessedly accepted and went the hell away and I didn’t have to listen to Carrie say ‘Unca Duo’ any more. I just hoped they would keep Bernie from tearing our place up.   
  
After two hours, Wufei flung himself to his feet intent on strangling someone to get answers. Trowa restrained him and Quatre went off to ask the questions in what, I’m sure, would be a much more refined manner.  
  
He returned with not a lot of information, just that Duo was still in surgery and the Doctor would come out to speak with us when they were done. We tried to take heart from the simple fact that he was still alive.  
  
My head was pounding and my stomach churning by the time a middle-aged man in surgical scrubs came through those doors, rubbing at tired neck muscles and looking around the waiting room. It had been three and a half hours.  
  
We rose as one when he asked, ‘Family of Mr. Maxwell?’  
  
He looked a little taken-aback when the four of us descended on him.  
  
‘How is he?’ Quatre asked gently.   
  
‘He came through the surgery.’ The Doctor couldn’t contain a slightly amazed shake of his head. ‘He’s in recovery.’ But then he gave us a stern look, ‘We’re not out of the woods yet though, the next twenty-four hours should tell.’  
  
‘When can I… we see him?’ I asked and I was half thinking that I might not wait for permission.  
  
The Doctor gave me a quizzical look. ‘Are you Heero?’  
  
I blinked at him owlishly, and Wufei had to confirm my identity for me.  
  
The Doctor gave me an odd smile. ‘Your EMT driver recommended that I bring you into the damned operating room.’ He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck again and looking at me appraisingly. ‘I wouldn’t go that far, but I’ve known Roger a long time… I’m going to break the rules on his say-so and take you back there now.’  
  
It seemed to be a night for breaking the rules.  
  
So I followed Dr. McKay through the doors marked ‘no admittance’, trailing along beside him as he led me where I wasn’t supposed to be.  
  
‘Don’t be alarmed by all the tubes and wires,’ the Doctor was telling me. ‘He’s just out of surgery; there’s a lot of things we don’t normally let people see. He won’t regain consciousness for some time. He’s on a respirator...’  
  
But then we were there and I didn’t hear another word the man said. A nurse gave me a startled look, but stepped aside after exchanging glances with Dr. McKay.   
  
I could hear the heart monitor, sounding slow and labored, each beep seeming to take an eternity to sound.  
  
‘Duo?’ I breathed, and went passed the nurse to get to him, not really seeing her. He was still on his stomach and I don’t even really want to talk about what he looked like. It was a mental image that haunted me with nightmares for… a very long time.  
  
I found his hand, I knew I could touch that without hurting him, and I stroked his cheek. ‘Oh Gods love… you made it. You did it… I knew you could. Everything’s going to be all right now.’  
  
Words to convince myself as much as him. It was the only thing I could give him in that moment… the sound of my voice.  
  
Behind me, I heard the nurse exclaim, and the Doctor mutter, ‘Well… damn.’ I turned, alarmed, but found them with puzzled grins on their faces looking at the heart monitor. When I focused on it, I realized it had steadied. It sounded almost… normal.  
  
Dr. McKay quirked a cock-eyed grin at me. ‘I guess I owe Roger a steak dinner, young man.’  
  
‘That’s ok,’ I told him softly. ‘I owe him a damn sight more than that.’  
  
+  
  
Heero…? Yes… Heero. Can rest now. Heero’s here.  
  
+  
  
Still unconscious, he fought his way off the respirator after only five or six hours. But it was almost twelve hours before he finally struggled up through the drug induced haze and regained some semblance of awareness. I never left his side. They moved him out of recovery and into ICU, and I went with him. I thought I would have to fight my way in there; thought I would have to defend my right to stay beside him, but it seemed that Dr. McKay’s bending of the rules had set a precedent.  
  
Duo and I were accumulating a long list of debts. Had broken a hell of a long list of rules. I wasn’t looking forward to explaining to Commander Une about the Lear jet.  
  
For a while after he started to come around, his eyes would open but he didn’t really seem to be seeing anything. They had him so medicated, it was a wonder he was waking at all. I just continued to hold his hand and whisper to him, letting the world move around us. After an eternity of hours, his eyes started to track my movements and seemed to be registering the things I was saying. At length, he tried to speak but couldn’t. I traced his lips with ice chips until he could take the moisture from my fingers and he finally managed to croak words.  
  
‘Carrie?’  
  
I smiled for him, so blessed relieved to hear his voice at last, ‘She’s fine. The stupid dog is fine. You even saved Dirt.’  
  
A tired quirk of his lips. ‘Guys?’ he asked.  
  
‘Everyone is ok, love,’ I soothed. ‘Nobody got hurt… but you.’   
  
‘Time?’ he asked then, able to communicate with these single words. We had both been in the position he was in before. We both knew the things that preyed on your mind when you started to come around.   
  
‘It’s Sunday night,’ I told him. ‘You haven’t been here twenty-four hours yet. We’re at St. Michaels, still in the ICU.’  
  
I knew the things you needed to orient yourself. Had been there often enough myself. I knew his next question before he asked it, but waited, hoping it wouldn’t come up.  
  
‘Home?’  
  
I stroked his hair. ‘Not for a while, my heart. We’re going to be here for a bit yet.’  
  
He gave me an unhappy frown but drifted away to sleep again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ note: + = POV change ]

I completely refused to leave his side, dozing sometimes in a chair pulled up to the bed where I could hold onto his hand. I was able to cajole a urinal out of one of the third shift nurses, who seemed to find the pair of us heartbreakingly ‘sweet’. I didn’t care what she thought as long as I got some cooperation out of somebody. She would take the thing and empty it for me and slip me sandwiches when nobody was looking. Food was prohibited in the ICU.  
  
It was the third day before they released him from intensive care and we were shifted to a regular room where he was finally allowed other visitors. Wufei, Trowa and Quatre descended on us like starving tigers.  
  
He was able, in the short periods of time that he was awake, to converse in whole sentences now. His condition upgraded from critical to guarded. They were going to allow him to attempt eating a little broth. He was still on his stomach, almost all of his wounds being on his back.   
  
The others were allowed in only one at a time, and I wasn’t surprised that Wufei managed to come first. He came in carrying a bag and looking me over as much as Duo.  
  
He squatted down beside Duo, to be at eye level. ‘Welcome home, Mr. Black,’ he said softly.  
  
Duo smiled, blinking sleepily at him. ‘Thanks, Mr. Dragon… nice to still be here.’  
  
Then Wufei turned critical eyes on me. ‘This is the changing of the guard, Yuy,’ he told me firmly and I glared.  
  
He only smirked. ‘The entire seventh floor staff is talking about you,’ he informed me. ‘Talking about how bad you smell.’  
  
Duo actually grinned as I blushed to the roots of my damned hair. Wufei was holding the bag out. ‘Change of clothes, shampoo, soap, toothbrush and toothpaste. Two energy drinks and some protein bars.’ He managed to smirk harder. ‘He is out of the woods. I am here. Go and get cleaned up; I have the nurses permission for you to use the shower.’  
  
Duo actually managed a chuckle. ‘You are kind of…ripe, love.’  
  
It was the first time I had been more than two feet from him for the last three days. I took the bag and had to work very hard to force myself to walk across the room, enter the bathroom and close the door. The man that stared back at me from the bathroom mirror looked… haggard.   
  
I gulped down the drinks first and inhaled the protein bars. The smuggled sandwiches at night, though much appreciated, had not really been doing the job. The shower was a miracle of relief. I had not been aware of just how damned tired I was until the moment when I had made the decision to give over the point position to Wufei. Three days of sleeping as I could in a straight back chair had me feeling like a zombie. It was all I could do not to slip down to the floor of the shower and go to sleep right there.  
  
+  
  
I watched the bathroom door close behind Heero with a strange mixture of relief and dread.   
  
I had no illusions about the miracle of my continued existence. Heero had drug me kicking and screaming… ok, ok… whimpering and whining back to the mortal plane. I would not be here now if it were not for him. I don’t know if he knew that, but _I_ sure as hell did.  
  
There was no doubt in my mind that if he hadn’t been there at the top of those stairs that night, to call me back from the dark, I would have given up and… died.  
  
‘I have five dollars that says he’s done in there in less than fifteen minutes,’ Wufei chuckled softly beside me, taking over the seat Heero had just vacated.  
  
I smiled and twisted my head up to see him. ‘Think it’ll take him that long?’  
  
He scooted the chair around a little and sat forward so I didn’t have to crane my neck. He surprised me by reaching out and taking my hand.  
  
‘Wouldn’t want Yuy to think I wasn’t doing my job,’ he told me gruffly, but couldn’t keep the corner of his mouth from twitching up.  
  
His fingers were warm and strong wrapped around mine. My own hand felt frail to me compared with his. I squeezed as best I could, grateful for the touch. I had not struggled back to consciousness once since the surgery without finding Heero’s hands on me somehow. Touching, holding, offering support and making sure I knew he was still there. There was a hollow place with him gone, and I was glad Wufei was there to fill it as best he could.  
  
‘How are you doing, Duo?’ he asked me gently.  
  
If I hadn’t already known how close I had come, that would have told me. Wufei seldom calls me ‘Duo’ unless I’ve scared the crap out of him.  
  
‘All right… I guess. Just so damned tired.’ I sighed softly; it still hurt to breathe deep, and talking very much left me panting.  
  
He smirked at me. ‘You look like shit.’  
  
I smirked back. ‘Thanks a lot. Glad you came all this way just to tell me that.’  
  
‘No problem,’ he grinned wickedly, but his voice was warm and gentle.  
  
I had to rest for a little bit then; it couldn’t have been long, because when I opened my eyes, Heero was still in the shower.  
  
‘Sorry,’ I muttered, but Wufei just chuckled lightly.  
  
‘It’s all right; you need the rest.’  
  
‘Fei, has Heero gone home at all?’ I asked him, the last couple of days were pretty much a blur.  
  
He smiled, glancing at the bathroom door. ‘No.’ His fingers squeezed mine carefully. ‘They let him go back to you as soon as you were out of surgery and we haven’t seen him since.’  
  
‘Damn,’ I muttered. ‘Can you see if you can get him to go get some sleep?’  
  
He actually laughed, though he kept it low. ‘I can make no promises there, Maxwell.’  
  
‘Try?’ I pleaded. ‘He’s killing himself. I don’t think he’s even leaving to go to the damn bathroom… I woke up last night and he was using a stupid urinal! I don’t think he’s eating, I…’  
  
‘Shhh…’ Wufei reached out and stroked his hand over my hair, his voice sounding worried. ‘All right, Duo; calm down. I’ll talk to him, ok? Just calm down.’  
  
I drew a shuddering breath and fought against suddenly heavy eyelids. ‘Thanks, ‘Fei,’ I managed, and found myself drifting away again.  
  
‘Go to sleep, little spirit,’ I thought I heard. ‘Just rest.’  
  
+  
  
Just getting clean was enough to make me feel like I could go on for another couple of days. And now that Duo was in a regular room, I could ask the guys to bring me something to eat. That would help immensely.   
  
I opened the bathroom door thinking that maybe… just _maybe,_ I would not fall flat on my face.  
  
‘Try?’ I heard Duo saying, his voice rising and full of anxiety. ‘He’s killing himself. I don’t think he’s even leaving to go to the damn bathroom… I woke up last night and he was using a stupid urinal! I don’t think he’s eating, I…’  
  
‘Shhh…’ Wufei reached out and stroked his hand over Duo’s hair. His voice sounded tight with concern. ‘All right, Duo; calm down. I’ll talk to him, ok? Just calm down.’  
  
Duo was suddenly overcome with exhaustion again, I could see all the signs of him fading back into sleep and he muttered something I couldn’t make out.  
  
Beside him, Wufei continued to stroke gentle fingers over his forehead whispering soothing words until Duo had slipped away again.  
  
‘You’re scaring him,’ Wufei said to me then, not turning around, and I moved to stand beside the bed.  
  
‘He needs me,’ I said, simply.  
  
‘Yes he does,’ he agreed, surprising me. ‘He needs you whole and well enough to take care of him.’  
  
I only grunted.  
  
He sighed and rubbed at eyes that seemed red and tired. ‘Yuy… Heero, for his sake, you have to take care of yourself too.’  
  
‘I’m fine,’ I said, and it came out sounding… testy.  
  
‘He’s been released from intensive care. He’s going to get better.’ He looked up at me with a searching gaze. ‘You can let yourself relax a little.’  
  
A growl was trying to make its way up my throat and I wrestled it down. My desire to snap and snarl like some damn wild animal giving me testimony I didn’t really want to see, to just how exhausted I was.  
  
‘He’s going to need you more once he’s released to go home. If you drive yourself to collapse now… you’re not going to be able to take care of him later.’  
  
I sighed. He was making sense, he wasn’t really telling me anything I didn’t already know. He was just forcing me to deal with what had been staring me in the face for a while now.  
  
He quirked a tired grin at me. ‘Heero, he can get by on the pale substitute of one of us for five or six hours a day.’  
  
I had to smile in return, and I could see in his eyes that he knew he was winning.  
  
‘I swear to you, one of us will stay with him the entire time you’re away.’ He held up his right hand and he didn’t say _scouts honor_ , but his tone of voice implied it. ‘We will not leave him alone for a minute.’  
  
I sighed heavily, letting my shoulders slump in defeat. ‘Fine. You’re right… I know you’re right.’  
  
‘It will relieve his mind a great deal,’ he told me softly.  
  
I had to duck my head and look away from him. ‘If I _can_ … I damn near couldn’t make myself leave the blasted room.’  
  
He snorted. ‘I’ll take you home myself.’  
  
‘I can…’ I started to object, and then remembered we didn’t have a car any more.  
  
‘Like I would let you drive yourself in the shape you’re in anyway,’ he grunted and then patted my arm. ‘I’ll go get Quatre and then I’ll take…’  
  
But I cut him off. ‘I won’t leave him while he’s asleep. I’ll wait until he wakes again… so I can tell him.’  
  
He just gave me one of those little almost-not-there smiles of his and said, ‘All right.’  
  
He got up and made me take the chair, relinquishing Duo’s hand to me. I had to admit that the idea of getting to lie down in my own bed, even for just a couple of hours was damned enticing. Then I had a sudden thought, and groaned. ‘Misty and Justin aren’t still at the apartment are they?’  
  
Wufei grinned at me. ‘Regretting your hospitality? No, they left yesterday to go stay with his sister.’ That made him think, and he fished my key out of his pocket. ‘Here, they left this for you.’  
  
I took the thing and stuck it in my pocket; relieved beyond words that our home would indeed be the sanctuary I needed right now. If they had still been there, I doubt if I would have agreed to go.  
  
When I looked up again, I caught Wufei looking Duo over critically. He glanced at me. ‘Gods… he’s a mess.’  
  
‘He did have a house fall on him,’ I observed wryly and he chuckled.  
  
‘He must be going crazy, stuck on his stomach like this,’ he said softly, reaching to pull the sheet up a little.  
  
‘Not really,’ I said. ‘He’s still too… drugged. He sleeps most of the time.’  
  
He sighed heavily, his eyes looking infinitely weary. ‘We came damn close again, didn’t we?’ he whispered.  
  
To losing him. ‘Yes,’ I agreed. ‘We did. Very damn close.’   
  
We sat for a time and watched Duo sleep, and then Wufei slipped away so that first Quatre and then Trowa could come and see him. Wufei had obviously spoken with them about me, because they both assured me of their intent to sit with Duo while I went home. Trowa was there when Duo finally roused again.  
  
‘Hey,’ I squatted down into his line of sight and smiled for him.  
  
‘Hey yourself,’ he smiled in return and then his face clouded a little. ‘You’re still here…’  
  
‘Of course I’m here,’ I chuckled lightly for him. ‘You didn’t think I’d leave without telling you first?’  
  
His soft smile turned into a wide grin. ‘Really? You mean it? You’re going to go home and get some sleep?’  
  
Beside us, Trowa chuckled and Duo noticed him for the first time.  
  
‘Trowa!’  
  
‘Hello Duo,’ he seemed much relieved to see Duo awake at last. ‘Looks like we’re going to get to spend some time together.’  
  
‘Is… Quatre here too?’ Duo’s smile faltered a little and I knew he was thinking about how busy the Winner business usually kept Quatre, but Trowa just snorted.  
  
‘Where the hell else would he be?’ he looked pointedly at me. ‘He’ll come back to see you again as soon as soldier boy here goes home.’  
  
I graced him with a halfhearted glare, then bent to tell Duo goodbye. ‘I’ll be back as soon as I can,’ I said softly, squeezing his hand.  
  
‘I don’t want to see you again before morning, Yuy,’ he told me firmly, but I could see the lie in his eyes and I almost didn’t go.  
  
Walking out that door and down the hall was the hardest damn thing I’ve done in a very long time. It felt like a betrayal of the basest sort.  
  
+  
  
I almost called him back. Pathetic, huh? At least he was through the door before the…fear hit my gut and caused the heart monitor to lurch into high gear. I really hate those damned things. It’s like being hooked up to a lie detector.   
  
‘Quatre will be relieved to see you awake,’ Trowa told me calmly, trying to distract me, I’m sure.  
  
I quirked an eyebrow up at him. ‘Sorry,’ I muttered and knew that I was flushing. ‘I just…’  
  
He leaned over and put a warm hand on my shoulder. ‘Hey,’ he said softly. ‘I’m sleeping with the man who went down into that basement with you, remember? I _know_ what you went through. You have a right to…lean on us a little.’  
  
I smiled gratefully, and found myself struggling with drowsiness again.  
  
‘Can you stay awake just a few more minutes?’ Trowa asked timidly, his voice apprehensive. ‘Quatre really needs to… hear your voice.’  
  
‘You ask so much,’ I teased. ‘I’ve been awake almost five whole, stupid minutes.’  
  
He laughed for my benefit, hand rubbing lightly up and down my arm.  
  
Quatre, when he got there, fairly flew through the door. His smile could have lit up the room.  
  
‘Duo!’ he beamed at me and came to slip his arms around my shoulders for a firm hug. His embrace felt good; solid and real compared to the feather light touches I had been receiving from Heero and Wufei. I slid my arm around his and squeezed tight in return, though I could tell there was no real pressure in it, but it served to keep him there for a minute. He seemed to understand my need, and held me tight for a few minutes until my arm was trembling with fatigue and I had to let it fall back to the bed. He drew back and his eyes were shining wetly.  
  
‘You scared the hell out of us, Duo,’ he scolded me and damned if he didn’t lean down and kiss the top of my head.  
  
‘S’ok now,’ I told him, and felt the dark coming back for me.  
  
‘It’s all right, Duo,’ Trowa told me. ‘Sleep.’  
  
I closed my eyes on the sight of them happily embracing, the last thing I heard was Quatre’s voice sounding overcome with emotion, ‘He’s really going to be all right, isn’t he?’  
  
+  
  
Wufei took me home, insisting on coming upstairs with me. I think he was afraid I would just throw myself down on the couch for a couple of hours. When we got into the apartment, however, it became clear that he had more on his mind as he strode purposefully into our kitchen and began digging through the cupboards looking for something he could prepare quickly.  
  
I followed him, meaning to object, but he fixed me with one of those stares of his that makes you feel like an idiot and said, ‘Go do whatever you have to do to get yourself ready for bed and I will fix you something to eat.’  
  
There was no arguing with that voice. I turned toward the bedroom, and my eyes found Duo’s roses sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. They were starting to wilt, and I suddenly found the most important thing I had to do was change the water on those stupid flowers. Wufei didn’t comment.  
  
Then I went to use my own damned bathroom and what a relief it was not to have to worry about some nurse barging in on me. I rinsed my face, changed into a pair of running shorts and went to eat the soup and sandwich that Wufei put in front of me.  
  
He sat with me while I wolfed it down, chuckling at me as my hunger took control.   
  
‘You going to be all right?’ he queried at length, when I slowed down a little.  
  
I grunted.  
  
‘Need anything else?’ he pressed, propping his chin on one hand.  
  
‘Just a couple of hours sleep,’ I told him. ‘I’m fine, Wufei.’  
  
He looked away. ‘Do you… want me to stay?’  
  
I snorted, using the last of the sandwich to sop up the dregs of the soup. ‘I’m a big boy, Chang.’  
  
‘Aren’t we all?’ he muttered, but before I could question that strange comment, said, ‘More than just a couple of hours sleep, Yuy.’  
  
We locked gazes for a long, tense moment.  
  
‘At least six hours,’ he told me resolutely.  
  
I gnawed on that; it was still less than Duo had asked.  
  
‘I want to be back before the Doctor makes his rounds at seven tomorrow morning.’ I was just as firm.  
  
He was hesitant, but finally agreed with a tired nod. ‘I’ll be by at six to pick you up.’  
  
He left and I went to bed, having only bare seconds to revel in the feel of our own familiar bed before I pitched headfirst into an exhausted sleep.  
  
I think I managed four good hours before the nightmare swept up and tried to disembowel me.  
  
It wasn’t long… it didn’t need to be. I was crouched outside that dark hole in the ground, pinned down by a half a dozen pairs of hands, unable to get near those damned stairs. I could hear Duo calling for me, but I couldn’t make him hear me no matter how much I screamed. His voice just kept getting weaker and weaker, sounding farther and farther away and finally, I couldn’t hear him at all.  
  
Then Roger and his men were hauling that gurney up out of the dark and on it was Duo’s body… the way he had looked in the hospital when they first let me go to him. Sprawled bonelessly on his stomach, the respirator taped in place over his mouth, tubes and wires running everywhere. His hair all bundled up under one of those caps, wearing nothing but a pointless hospital gown that was completely gaped open, leaving his, in this vision, untreated wounds open to my sight. I could see the bones sticking out from the torn flesh of his thigh. The steel spikes were still thrust through his body, the wood gone so that I could see the stark metal.   
  
His skin was cold and gray. His eyes were open, staring unseeing… flat and… dead.  
  
I woke screaming his name and spent the rest of the night huddled in the middle of the bed with our quilt clutched to my chest.

+  
  
I was in that damn hospital for over two weeks. I was ready to pull my hair out by the end. I was missing whole days out of my life. I remembered only sketchy bits and pieces of conversations. I remembered pain. I remembered fear. I remembered Heero’s soothing voice, never far.  
  
It got harder after I stopped drifting in and out. The pain was there all the time and it became more difficult to cope with it. It wasn’t helping that despite the fact that Heero was going home in the evenings to sleep, I could tell there was something wrong. But, of course he wouldn’t talk to me about it. I badgered Wufei to try to get it out of him, but he either didn’t have any luck, or he wouldn’t tell me.  
  
I felt so utterly helpless and vulnerable. I don’t know why the hell it is whenever I get hurt it always freaking involves both top and bottom. I couldn’t walk on my own with the damned broken leg, and the wound through my torso made it extremely painful to use my left arm. The dozen or so punctures in my back and the backs of my legs made it uncomfortable as hell trying to lay on my back. I hate sleeping on my stomach. I hate feeling vulnerable. I hate being kept in the dark. I’m not all that keen about being in pain, either.  
  
The guys had established a routine and one of them was with me all the time. I don’t know how in the blazes they worked it out with the hospital staff; visiting hours didn’t seem to apply to me. If I had to guess, I’d say Heero threw the Preventer’s name around some more. Or maybe Doc McKay just liked us…I don’t know. Heero came in for the day shift, always making a point of getting there before the Doctor made his rounds. He stayed until the evening, more than twelve hours. Wufei came in, overlapping him a little, usually having to almost force Heero to leave, and then he stayed with me until the small hours of the morning when Trowa and Quatre came. They sat with me until Heero came back. It made me feel awful. I was disrupting their lives and it really wasn’t necessary any more. I felt guilty and needy and like some kind of damn leech.  
  
Drugs are not my friends. I know some people who can go under anesthetic without any problem. I can’t. Weeks after coming out from under, I’m left moody and depressed and vaguely sick. Hey, damnit; it’s documented medical fact. It’s called a side effect.  
  
It all caught up with me about the fourth or fifth day. I’m not even sure, and that was just another little straw on the back of this sad and bedraggled camel. My time sense was screwed six ways to Sunday. I never knew what day it was, and could only guess roughly at the time based on who was sitting beside me.  
  
At that stage of things, I was still sleeping more than not, but it was true sleep not the sliding in and out of consciousness that I had been enduring.  
  
The pain woke me again. It’s really hard to sleep when your body is aching and stinging and burning in a dozen different places. I opened my eyes to find that Wufei had dozed off beside me, sitting in that stupid straight back chair. The lights were turned down for the night and the only real sound was that Gods damned, annoying heart monitor.  
  
It was the wee hours of the morning, that dead middle of the night when nightmares creep out and run as they please. I lay and watched Wufei; watched the slow, steady rise and fall of his chest. A single lock of raven hair had slipped from that uncompromising tail and hung down across one eye. I looked at those eyes, closed in sleep, and could see that they looked bruised. He looked so damned tired. He should have been home in bed. He shouldn’t have to be spending his nights dozing fitfully in a stupid hospital room.  
  
In my head, I heard the maniacal laugh of some mad God as he gleefully tossed that last straw onto the pile. I broke.  
  
Tears poured down my face and I could tell I wasn’t going to be getting them stopped any time soon. The pillow was soaked in a matter of minutes, and my breath was threatening to start doing that hitching thing. I struggled to stay quiet. No way in the seven hells did I want Wufei to wake and find me like this. I did a fairly decent job of stifling the sobs. It was the thrice-damned heart monitor that gave me away.  
  
His eyes flashed open and there was a moment of panic, as he looked frantically around. Then his eyes found mine and he blinked in surprise. ‘Maxwell?’ he asked, sounding incredulous, and his face went all soft and warm.  
  
I doubt if he had ever seen me weep like a child before. Most of the tears I had shed in my lifetime had been in Heero’s arms. I really didn’t want him to see me now. I buried my face in the pillow and did my best to salvage the tiny little vestiges of what pride I had left.  
  
‘Can I have a few minutes?’ I mumbled, not holding out a ton of hope.  
  
He didn’t speak, but I felt the bed moving as he lowered it. I heard the scrape of the chair being moved and the clicks as the side rail on the bed went down and suddenly, his arm was sliding in under me and I found myself in the shelter of his embrace. I don’t know how in the hell he got himself twisted around that way, without actually getting in the bed, which he couldn’t have done without hurting me. He was oh, so careful, but completely unyielding. He was _not_ going to give me those few minutes.  
  
I was overcome with a rush of emotion, gave it up for lost and just took what he was offering. I buried my face in his shoulder and sobbed brokenly, the gasping cries making my chest ache like hell.  
  
‘It’s all right, Duo. Just let it out… let it go.’ Like I could stop it.  
  
His hand stroked reassuringly over my hair and shoulders, gentle and cautious. And I just lay in his arms and wept. It really didn’t take long; I was trembling with exhaustion after a surprisingly short amount of time.  
  
‘I’m sorry,’ I panted, when I was able. ‘I’m so sorry.’  
  
His arms tightened around me. ‘Don’t be sorry, bright spirit, you needed to let it out.’  
  
Bright spirit? That was new. I decided not to question it. ‘It’s the drugs,’ I muttered, feeling like an utter ass. ‘They always do this to me.’  
  
He chuckled softly, still not moving to let me go. ‘Oh, the pain and the guilt, the frustration and the feeling of helplessness have nothing to do with it?’  
  
I blinked in surprise and tried to raise my head to look up at him, but it hurt too much and I just slumped back against his shoulder. The hell with it. I needed this; and if, by the Gods, he was going to offer it…I was going to accept.  
  
‘Duo, we’ve all been where you are at one time or another.’ There was the shadow of a melancholy smile in his voice. ‘I remember feeling ashamed and weak and guilty… but I remember my friends being by my side even more.’   
  
I let myself settle against him, feeling my eyes drifting shut. ‘Thanks ‘Fei’ I murmured with the last of my strength, and I got a bright chuckle in return.  
  
‘I remember a little, stuffed dragon as well…’ Was the last thing I heard, and I fell asleep with a foolish little smile on my face.  
  
When I woke hours later, Wufei was gone and Heero was there. I felt a pang of guilt; I had slept straight through Trowa and Quatre’s shift, as much as I had managed in one stretch so far. But then my eyes focused on the little beanbag black panther tucked beside my pillow and I had to grin. Maybe I could do this after all… with a little help from my friends.  
  
+  
  
I got to bring him home a week and a half later. It had taken days of preparation; Quatre was an absolute gift from the Gods. He took things in hand after it became fairly apparent that I wasn’t up to handling the tedium of coping with outsiders. I just did not have the patience to deal with forms and phone calls and arrangements. I gave him the keys to the apartment, my insurance and credit cards, and let him go. I trust Quatre implicitly.   
  
He made arrangements to rent a hospital bed, seeing to its delivery and set-up. Made all the initial contact with our insurance company about the car. Got the paperwork done that authorized a rental until the settlement came through. Even picked the damn car up. He stocked the kitchen and the medicine cabinet, buying things I never would have thought of, like the no-rinse bath soap and the body lotion. He managed to find, the Gods only know where, shorts that snapped up the sides that were going to make dressing Duo a hell of a lot easier with that damned leg cast. He prepared meals in advance that he packaged and froze so that all I had to do was heat things up. He also cleaned the apartment, did up all the laundry and went through the mail that I had been letting pile up, handling all the bills and other dated material. Like I said; a rare and precious gift from the Gods. One I could not have done without in the rough shape I was in.   
  
Duo’s mobility was almost nil. Walking without crutches was impossible. Walking with crutches was so painfully hard on his chest injury that he couldn’t go two steps. Most of the lesser puncture wounds had at least healed to the point that he could lay on his back a small part of the time. That had gone a long way toward improving his mood; he’s never been one to sleep on his stomach.  
  
The hospital supplied a medical transport to get him home, and two rather large orderlies to manhandle him up the stairs. We let them, because it was their job and they knew what they were doing. The anxiety I felt, watching someone else carry him, was balanced by the fact that he was safer in the hands of professionals. I remembered to breathe again after he was settled in the hospital bed in the living room. I let Quatre and Wufei handle the thank yous and seeing them out. My attention was on Duo. He was hurting; I could see it in his eyes.  
  
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked him softly. ‘Do you need your pain medicine?’  
  
He smiled wanly for me. ‘They dosed me up just before we left the hospital… I can’t take any more for a while. I’m fine.’  
  
‘What’s hurting?’ I prodded gently.  
  
He tried to clear it away so that I couldn’t see. ‘I… I’m just tired.’  
  
I frowned down at him, brushing his cheek with the tips of my fingers. He looked so small and frail, so tired and worn out. My heart ached watching him struggle to be all right for me. He was trying so hard to hide the pain and ease my mind.  
  
The guys were moving around us, unpacking the few things that had come home from the hospital with us. Quatre had come up with a small side table from somewhere that he had set up next to the bed. Trowa was placing the refilled water pitcher there, along with a glass. Wufei was going through the bag that contained the clothes Duo had been wearing the night of the storm. He salvaged the shoes and socks, throwing them into the hamper. The rest went in the trash, completely unrecoverable. Quatre was setting out Duo’s prescriptions on the table, unpacking the last of the stuff from the hospital. I saw him grin suddenly, and out came that silly beanbag animal that Wufei had given Duo. Quatre plopped it down on the pillow next to Duo’s head, and Duo took it in his hand, his fingers curling around it rather possessively.   
  
I blinked in sudden remembrance and reached to unfasten his cross from around my neck. ‘Hey,’ I smiled. ‘You’re home now… you can have this back.’  
  
He tilted his head to aid in my slipping it on him. ‘You kept it safe for me,’ he breathed, his fingers going to touch it, as if reassuring himself that it was really there.  
  
‘Of course I did,’ I chided.  
  
‘It felt strange not having it,’ he said, almost to himself.  
  
I grinned. ‘You looked positively naked without it.’ I leaned down and kissed his forehead, gentle as a feather. ‘I never thanked you for it.’  
  
He flushed slightly, but only said, ‘You’re welcome.’  
  
The absolute silence in the rest of the room brought us back to our surroundings, and I blinked up to find three pairs of eyes watching us bemusedly.   
  
Wufei grinned at us. ‘Either of you need anything else, or would you just prefer we go the hell away and let you enjoy being home?’  
  
Duo chuckled softly, ‘I am getting kind of tired.’  
  
‘Then we should leave and let you get some sleep,’ Trowa said, and came to touch Duo’s hand by way of goodbye. Quatre stepped in after him, but leaned down to wrap his arms around Duo’s shoulders in a hard hug. I cringed watching it, fearing that he would hurt Duo, but Duo seemed to accept it gratefully, his own right arm coming up to squeeze hard in return.  
  
‘I think you’re getting stronger,’ I heard Quatre whisper to him.  
  
‘Thanks, Quatre,’ Duo mumbled, looking slightly embarrassed.   
  
The two of them left then and Wufei came up to say his own farewell. He had Duo’s cell phone from going through the bag from the hospital, and he laid it carefully on the table where Duo could reach it. ‘You need anything,’ he glanced up to include me as well. ‘Either of you. You know you can call me.’  
  
We were alone then and I was seized with the most horrific rush of emotions. I was vastly relieved to have Duo home, away from that damned hospital with the comings and goings of all those people. But at the same time I was almost overcome with the weight of responsibility. He was counting on me for everything now, and already I felt as though I had done something wrong. There was a hurt lurking in his eyes that he was trying to hide from me and I didn’t know what it was nor how to get him to talk to me about it.  
  
‘It’s good to have you home, love,’ I told him tenderly, taking his hand in mine, leaving the little panther lay in the middle of his chest. He seemed to want it close.  
  
His eyes were getting heavy lidded and I smiled down at him. ‘Go to sleep my little one.’  
  
‘Call me when you get ready to eat,’ he told me thickly, not even noticing the detested pet name. ‘Don’t wait.’  
  
‘All right,’ I lied. ‘Just rest now.’   
  
I stood beside the bed and held his hand until he seemed to be sound asleep and then went to settle myself on the couch until he woke.   
  
Gods. I suddenly realized that nothing had really changed; I had merely switched locations. The only real difference here, was the chair was more comfortable and I didn’t have a nurse coming around every couple of hours to give me the reassurance that everything was still fine.  
  
And all I could do was hope that having him home would be enough to ease the nightmares.  
  
+  
  
I had been elated to go home. It had been pure bliss when Doc McKay had told us that I would be released in a day or two. I thought the time would never pass. The trip, when it finally happened, had been exhausting even though I hadn’t done any of the real work. The ride had been painful, every bump sending shocks through my body. I had endured the embarrassment of being hauled up the stairs to the apartment like a sack of bruised potatoes with stoic good cheer.  
  
Then they had come through the apartment door and I had seen the damned hospital bed set up in the living room and I had almost cried.  
  
I wanted my own bed. I wanted…I needed to sleep with Heero next to me. I wanted to open my eyes in the small hours of the morning and hear his soft breathing, to know that he was sleeping peacefully. I wanted to feel his warmth next to me, to be able to reach out and touch him when I woke up with the sound of that freight train wind ringing in my ears. I had been daydreaming about it for days. No one had bothered to tell me about the damned hospital bed.  
  
It stung. My gut twisted with a strange feeling of abandonment. I wanted to object. I wanted to make demands.   
  
But I didn’t. I didn’t want to have to _ask_ to be accepted back into my own bed. If I had to ask for it… it was going to take the comfort out of it. It would only make me feel awkward, like an intruder.  
  
Heero was hovering over me as soon as the muscle twins were out the door. ‘What’s wrong?’ his voice was full of concern; I guess he could see something was bothering me and assumed it was a physical pain. ‘Do you need your pain medicine?’  
  
I sighed and tried to push the feelings down, smiling for him. ‘They dosed me up just before we left the hospital… I can’t take any more for a while. I’m fine.’  
  
I was being ridiculous and I knew it. This was just to make things easier on Heero. It was going to be much simpler for him to help me in and out of this higher bed. He would sleep better without me being there, shifting so restlessly. I knew that…but it still stung.  
  
‘What’s hurting?’ he pushed a little harder, trying to get me to give him something he could make better.   
  
I tried again to cover up the feelings I couldn’t seem to make go away and put on another soft smile. ‘I… I’m just tired.’  
  
He wasn’t convinced, I could see it in his eyes and he brushed his fingers cautiously over my face. I wanted to press into his hand, force him to touch me with something more than those almost-not-there feather-light caress’s.   
  
I was only vaguely aware of the guys moving around the apartment, putting things away and trying to be helpful. I took a shaky breath and tried to get hold of myself…this was ridiculous. I heard Quatre’s amused chuckle, and my little panther was suddenly sitting on my pillow. I reached for it and holding the damned thing in my hand made me feel oddly better.  
  
‘Hey,’ Heero said, the spark of some remembrance in his eyes. ‘You’re home now… you can have this back.’ And I realized he was removing Father Maxwell’s cross from around his neck.  
  
It was such a screaming relief to see that little thing. I had used it to help give Carrie the courage to climb up those dark stairs into the unknown. Had asked her to give it to Heero, to try to relieve his mind, to give him something to hold onto until I could get out and get to him. I hadn’t seen it since and had been afraid to ask. I just assumed Carrie had lost it. ‘You kept it safe for me,’ I gasped, strangely warmed by the fact that he had obviously been wearing it since the night the world fell in. He carefully fastened it around my neck.  
  
‘Of course I did,’ he smiled at me again, that same soft, tender look in his eyes.  
  
The weight of it lying against my chest felt good and solid, like something that had been wrong that was suddenly right again. ‘It felt strange not having it.’   
  
He grinned. ‘You looked positively naked without it.’ He leaned down and kissed me ever so gently on the forehead and I tried hard to squelch my disappointment in these frustrating near touches.  
  
‘I never thanked you for it,’ he said softly, and I warmed a little. Maybe I could do this… maybe.  
  
‘You’re welcome.’  
  
Wufei’s laughing voice came in the silence that followed, ‘Either of you need anything else, or would you just prefer we go the hell away and let you enjoy being home?’  
  
I grinned at him, past Heero. ‘I am getting kind of tired,’ I admitted, and it was true. This had been the busiest day I’d had in a long time. I really did feel wrung out.  
  
Trowa came toward me first, Heero stepping away to let him come up beside me. ‘Then we should leave and let you get some sleep,’ he said and reached to brush his fingers over the back of my hand. He was just like Heero and Wufei, touching me like I would crumble away under his fingers. Then he made room for his lover, and I had to grin as Quatre slid his arms around my shoulders and hugged me tight. Over his arm, I could see the frown on Heero’s face. It felt wonderful; I pulled him close, returning the embrace full measure. Or at least as full as I was able. Quatre drew back and grinned at me. ‘I think you’re getting stronger.’   
  
I flushed, absurdly pleased and managed a ‘thanks, Quatre.’  
  
The two of them left then and I raised my eyes to find Wufei very deliberately placing my cell phone on the table next to me, our eyes locked for a moment and he said, ‘You need anything,’ he turned his gaze to include Heero, ‘either of you. You know you can call me.’  
  
But he was telling me that if I had another dark moment he would be there. He was telling me it didn’t matter what time it was. He was telling me that Heero didn’t know about my little break down in the hospital. I smiled my thanks, and he grinned broadly at me, his eyes on my chest. I realized that I was still clutching my little panther there. Then he was gone too and it was just Heero and me. It was strangely uncomfortable.  
  
He came to my side again, taking my hand to lightly hold it and he smiled warmly, ‘It’s good to have you home, love,’ he told me, and it made it a little better. Now that the guys were gone and it had quieted, I was finding it hard to keep my eyes open.   
  
‘Go to sleep my little one,’ his voice was a soothing sound, and it eased away some of the sting.  
  
I thought about him sitting here, watching for me to wake again, and I told him, ‘Call me when you get ready to eat. Don’t wait.’  
  
‘All right,’ he said, and I knew he was just saying it. ‘Just rest now.’  
  
It wasn’t my own bed, but at least it was my own home and I just let go; went to seek the darkness for a little while. Heero was still holding my hand when I dozed off.

+  
  
He slept for a long time; I was a little surprised how much the simple act of coming home had taken out of him. Gods; he had such a long road ahead of him. I wanted to ease his way down it as best I could, but I truly wasn’t sure how. He was hurting in a way I didn’t understand, on some level I couldn’t seem to reach. That cast wasn’t coming off for some time yet, and even after it did, there was going to be therapy. I knew he was worried about missing work, knew he was worried about _me_ missing work. I could not have cared less. He was my first and only priority right now. He needed me and I meant to be there for him every step of the way. But… somewhere along the lines in the last week, something had risen up between us; some strange barrier that made some of the silences less of a companionable thing and more of a…tension.   
  
All I could do was go on taking care of him the best that I knew how and just hope that things worked themselves out when it was all over.  
  
I was so tired; achingly tired. Sleep was something that seemed to be denied me right now. But it was important that I keep things focused on Duo. I could rest when Duo was better. Right now, he needed me… needed me to be strong. Succumbing to these nightmares was _not_ being strong. They didn’t fit the mission parameters, so I would just have to ignore them. Work around them. They were of no importance. When he finally woke, I went and heated up one of Quatre’s dinners and we ate. We made small talk. We hovered around each other like two strangers. I didn’t know what to do. And still ahead of me was bedtime and the gnawing fear that I would have another of those screaming nightmares and Duo would find out. The last thing in the world he needed was to start worrying about me. He had more than enough on his plate without adding that.  
  
I left him the remote to the television, and went to do up the dishes. When I came back, he was laying there staring up at the ceiling, the control still lying unused in his slack fingers. I sighed, wishing, not for the first time, that I could read his mind.  
  
‘What’s wrong, Duo?’ I went and perched carefully on the side of his bed and took his hand.  
  
His eyes left the ceiling and met mine. ‘I might ask the same question of you, love,’ he said softly and I shivered.  
  
‘I’m fine,’ I reassured him, gently rubbing my thumb across those ages old surgery scars. ‘Just worried about you is all.’  
  
There was that odd pain flitting through his eyes again, and I stopped rubbing, afraid I had hurt him somehow.  
  
‘Heero…’ he began, and for a moment I saw something in his face that spoke of some deep, unanswered need. It was gone in a moment, before I could fully understand it.  
  
‘Duo… love,’ I reached for that need with trembling words. ‘Tell me what you want?’ But it wasn’t enough; the barrier was there again.  
  
‘I’m… fine, Heero,’ he echoed back to me, and I was left floundering, falling back on familiar ritual. I helped him use the urinal and took it to the bathroom to empty and rinse it out. Got a glass of water and watched to make sure he took his pain medicine. Found an extra blanket to tuck in around him. All too soon we were left staring at each other, and I had no idea in the world what in the hell to say. Words were so difficult; my thoughts flitted around in my head like tiny, drunken grasshoppers.  
  
He reached out tentatively and tugged on my sleeve, a sad little smile playing about his lips. ‘I love you?’ he said softly and it shocked me to hear the question in it. I sat back down with him.  
  
‘Of course. I love you too,’ I told him gently and stroked my fingers along his jaw to bring his face up to mine. I kissed him lovingly, chastely. The last damned thing he needed to deal with right now was my desire for him. I would not have him feeling guilty for not being able to answer my cravings. I felt like such an absolute jerk for even thinking about it. What kind of a sick son of a bitch was I, that I could sit here on the edge of his damned hospital bed not two weeks after he had almost fucking _died_ and feel desire for him? I shivered. I would not, for all the heavens and earth, bring that kind of pressure to bear on him.  
  
I tried again to reach out to whatever it was he was hiding from me. ‘Duo, please tell me what’s wrong? I want to help.’  
  
He smiled sadly at me. ‘I’m ok, Heero,’ he reassured. ‘The drugs are just making me feel… weird.’  
  
So we lied to each other a few more times. I told him nothing was wrong. He told me nothing was bothering him. I’m pretty sure that neither of us believed the other one, but we somehow couldn’t seem to get passed it. Neither of us willing to give in and admit the things we weren’t talking about. At length, we said our goodnights, and I went off to bed.  
  
+  
  
After Heero went to bed that first night, I just lay there and felt sorry for myself for a while. I felt utterly and completely abandoned; totally alone. I might as well have still been at the bottom of those blasted stairs. So far, the only really good thing I could say about coming home was being able to turn the damn lights off at night.   
  
I had feigned drowsiness there at the end, to get him to go on to bed so we could stop staring at each other. He was keeping something from me, and I had the feeling it was something important. But I couldn’t get passed that guarded expression to even begin to figure out what was going on in his head. He seemed so distant… almost apathetic.   
  
And now, to add insult to injury, my damned, personal, internal imp was trying to convince me that Heero was repulsed by my body. He had been rubbing my hand earlier, massaging those old scars the way he used to. Habit was making his fingers rub firmly, a little more like his normal touch instead of those ridiculous feather brushes of his fingertips. But all of a sudden, he had shivered and pulled away from me. Maybe… maybe I had finally done more to myself than he could deal with? When you thought about it, I was nothing but a mass of scar tissue; was it so bad now that he found me… repellent? Was that what this was all about? Why I wasn’t in our bed, but abandoned out here to the living room? Because he didn’t _want_ me there?  
  
I knew Heero better than that. I knew it was just to make things easier in the short term and that eventually I would be well enough that things would return to normal. But at three in the morning, alone in the dark, with nothing to hold onto but a stupid little plushy… the voice of that little imp could be damned persuasive. I reached for my cell phone three different times.   
  
I thought I heard something from the bedroom in there somewhere, and waited, hoping that Heero was going to come out, but it just got quiet again and eventually I fell back asleep.  
  
+  
  
I had been right to fear that the nightmares weren’t gone. I might have known that just his being here wasn’t going to be enough to drive them away. Especially with him out there in the Gods damned living room.   
  
I was at least able to keep from screaming. Having the damned thing every night, night after night, had given me that much. I woke, shaking and panting, sitting up in bed. I froze in fear, and it seemed I could hear Duo shifting restlessly in the other room. I wanted to go out and check on him, but I wouldn’t have been able to hide the trembling. I’m pretty sure I would have pulled him into my arms without much thought to his injuries if I had gotten within three feet of him anyway. Best I just stay where I was. So I lay back down and tried to slow the terrified pounding of my heart, laying awake the rest of the night. Again.  
  
+  
  
You thought I was a wimp the first night? Should have been there the second night when Heero went to bed and… shut the bedroom door.  
  
Some of it was the drugs, ok? Laugh if you want to…but I really do not react well to painkillers and anesthesia. And a large part was just the fact that I was pretty much stuck in bed twenty-four hours a day and had nothing to do but _think_. I have a very vivid, over-active imagination, understand? Besides that, anybody who has ever been hurt/injured/majorly sick will tell you that the small hours of the morning are the absolute worst. Things that would not give you a second thought in the bright light of day can bring you to your knees at two or three in the morning.  
  
The sound of that door quietly clicking shut brought me to me knees, ok? Crashing to my knees. I was absolutely confused and hurt beyond words. The voice of that imp was louder than ever and starting to make perfect sense. I am totally and completely ashamed to have to admit that not only did I pick that stupid cell phone up a half dozen times, but I actually went through with dialing Wufei’s number. I cut it off before it had a chance to ring though, and ended up clutching my little panther to my face and sobbing into its fur for the better part of the night. Managing to only doze fitfully in those ghostly hours right before dawn.   
  
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, there was the feel of strong arms tight around me, strangely not hurting at all, though they should have. I turned almost feverishly to return the embrace, desperate just for human contact, needing some reassurance. Expecting to find Heero in my bed.   
  
‘It’s all right, Duo,’ Wufei’s voice was soft and low. ‘I told you I’d be here if you needed me.’  
  
‘Fei?’ My voice was unsteady even in my own ears, and though he had surprised me, I suddenly just didn’t care. I brought my arms up to return the hug, amazed that my left arm went up around his neck. ‘What have I done, ‘Fei? What have I done wrong?’  
  
He pulled me against his shoulder and stroked my loose hair; I didn’t even remember it coming down. ‘You’ve done nothing, little spirit. It’s not your fault.’  
  
‘Gods; am I so repulsive? Am I that awful?’ I was crying again, but he took it in stride and if anything pulled me closer.  
  
‘Never,’ he said fiercely, his fingers stroking through my hair. ‘You are as bright and beautiful as you have ever been. Yuy is just being an ass.’  
  
‘Then why the hell won’t he _touch_ me?’ I wailed, utterly shocked that I had actually said that out loud to Chang Wufei of all people. ‘Why won’t he let me back into my own damn bed?’ I sounded pathetic and unreasonable even to myself, but now that he had gotten me started, I couldn’t seem to get stopped. ‘He shut me out, ‘Fei. He…’  
  
‘Shhh… it doesn’t matter,’ he soothed, his fingers caressing my cheek, wiping away the tears. ‘I’m here now, my bright little spirit, and I will touch you. I will give you everything you need.’  
  
Before I quite realized what was happening, he was pulling my face up to meet his, and kissing me. It was so different from kissing Heero; his lips were cool at first, probably from just coming in from outside. He was a little more… forceful. He didn’t wait for me to make the offer of parted lips the way Heero did. His tongue darted out to lick and play along my lower lip, asking for entrance. I gave it to him. Hell… I would haven given him just about anything in that moment. I was so tangled up with need and frustration, lost in a dark world of betrayal and pain. He tasted of… almonds? Nutmeg? I couldn’t quite place it.  
  
His hand was teasing its way up under my t-shirt, tracing my ribs and stroking my stomach. I cringed; this should be hurting… why wasn’t this hurting?  
  
My eyes flew open wide and I found myself sitting up in the middle of the bed completely alone, my chest and back screaming at me for the sudden movement.

 _What the fuck!_ What in the holy ass seven hells had _that_ been all about?  
  
I fell back, not sure whether to laugh or cry. I did not let myself fall back asleep again that night.  
  
+  
  
I was getting tired. So damned tired. That second night, I shut the bedroom door to make sure I didn’t disturb Duo again. He didn’t seem to be sleeping well either and he didn’t need me interrupting what little rest he could get.  
  
I was eternally grateful to Quatre for all the preparation he had done for me. His precooked meals were an absolute Gods send. I wouldn’t have to do laundry for days yet, and was constantly finding other little things he had thought of. Like a six-pack of Duo’s soda in the bottom of the refrigerator. I guiltily drank one that third day, just to help myself get through. The caffeine gave me a little jolt that got me over the hump and into the afternoon. My focus, my mission, had become just to be here with Duo.   
  
I spent most of the day sitting on the couch, watching him sleep, dozing sometimes myself. I hadn’t had one of those thrice-damned nightmares during the day yet, but the possibility made me uneasy and I didn’t let myself slip into a deep sleep.  
  
He looked… broken. So frail… so battered. In his sleep, he clutched that stupid little stuffed animal to his cheek. I felt like he was slipping away from me somehow. I couldn’t think what to do. It seemed I should be doing something.   
  
+  
  
That third day was a living nightmare. I couldn’t wipe that stupid dream out of my head, and every time I thought about it, I felt like I was going to die of embarrassment. In the light of day, I could rationalize it; I could see that it was just my frustration mixed in with the memory of that night Wufei had held me while I cried in the hospital. But for a few heart-stopping moments… it had seemed damn real. And I cringed thinking about how easily my dream self had given in to the kisses of another. I’ve had some weird dreams in my lifetime; try eating some summer sausage and jalapeno cheese right before bedtime and see what happens. But none of them had ever involved Chang Wufei before.  
  
I spent most of the day either napping, or pretending to nap, running away from the whole damned mess in the only way open to me right at that point. Whenever I opened my eyes, Heero was right there, near at hand, catnapping on the couch. Maybe he was running away too.  
  
I couldn’t bring myself to ask him for anything. It had gone past just the issue of his touch. If I had to ask him to touch me, to hold me, to let me come back to the bedroom… then I would never know if he only did it because I asked. I knew damned well that if I made an issue out of it, he would do whatever I wanted and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to tell if I… truly did repulse him or not.  
  
But beyond that, I suddenly found I couldn’t ask for _anything_. He dozed off around noon, and I was starving, but I couldn’t force myself to call him. I wanted my hair washed, it felt positively gross, but it was such a monstrous chore I didn’t want to bother him with it. I needed to roll over and get off my back for a while; the puncture wounds were killing me. But if I didn’t have help getting the broken leg turned, the pain about undid me. I was thirsty, but the water in the pitcher by the bed needed to be changed and tasted brackish.  
  
I’m not real sure how I had gotten to the dark place I was in, but by afternoon I had been reduced to hanging on to my soggy little panther and just trying to get quietly through one hour at a time.  
  
The guys showed up around five thirty. They must have come as soon as Wufei got off work. They hadn’t been back since the day I had come home. They had called a couple of times, but I had felt odd about asking them to come over, and Heero had insisted whenever they asked, that things were ‘just fine’.  
  
Heero woke when the knock came on the door, and staggered to it, dragging his fingers through his hair and yawning hugely.  
  
They came into the apartment like a ray of blessed sunshine. But there was no laughter, no jokes; Wufei looked concerned even as the door was opening. Then they stepped in and his eyes widened in some small amount of shock. Gods only knew what he was seeing; I could only guess what I looked like, but I knew how faded and worn Heero looked.   
  
‘What the hell is going on here?’ he blurted almost immediately.  
  
Heero just looked confused; tired and blurry and confused. ‘What…?’ he muttered, but Wufei was already coming passed him toward me.  
  
He had known something was the matter before he ever got through that door, I could tell. He came to stand over me, reaching out to touch my hand, and I couldn’t help myself… I flinched. His eyes narrowed and he drew his hand back.  
  
‘Duo,’ he said very calmly. ‘When I checked my phone log this afternoon, I found your number… at three o’clock in the morning.’  
  
Damn. I had gotten the call canceled before it rang, but it still logged the number on his end. ‘It… was an accident,’ I muttered, not able to meet his eyes, and just to make the conversation more interesting, my stomach chose that moment to complain about missing lunch.  
  
‘What in the _hell_ is going on here?’ Wufei repeated.   
  
Neither of us had an answer for him.  
  
+  
  
I was left reeling from the news that Duo had called Wufei at three o’clock in the morning; it was obvious from the look on his face that it had been no accident. He might have aborted the call, but he had put it through in the first place on purpose. Why in the hell would he have called Wufei with me right there in the next room? If he had needed something, why hadn’t he called me?   
  
Then his stomach growled loudly and I was brought face to face with the cold hard fact that I had not even fixed him lunch. I was turning into a freaking zombie; what in the hell was wrong with me?  
  
‘Damn, Duo,’ I blurted. ‘Why didn’t you wake me up?’  
  
‘You were tired,’ he said, and it came out sounding defensive.  
  
Wufei had picked up the panther to set it off to the side and was looking at it suspiciously. Duo was blushing hotly. My brain just would not process any more and I found myself rooted to the middle of the living room floor, unable to make the concentrated effort to decide what I should do.  
  
But Wufei was taking things in hand, and decision-making was suddenly something I didn’t need to worry about. He started to send Quatre into the kitchen to prepare dinner, but Duo seemed absolutely miserable in Wufei’s presence for some reason and at the last minute he switched roles, leaving Quatre to deal with Duo while he went in to make dinner. I found Trowa pushing me down onto the couch, taking my chin in his hand to tilt my face away from Duo and towards him. He peeled an eyelid back and looked me over critically.  
  
‘You look like shit, Yuy,’ he frowned at me. ‘What the hell’s the matter?’  
  
‘Can’t…’ I almost confessed to what I couldn’t speak of, but bit it off before Duo heard.  
  
Behind us, Quatre had been talked in low tones with Duo, and Trowa suddenly left me to join them. I leaped to my feet again, as I realized that they were getting Duo out of bed, but the venomous look of pure anger I got from Quatre rooted me to the spot. All I could do was watch while they eased him toward the bathroom and it sank in that I hadn’t been doing any of the things he had been counting on me for.  
  
I would have run away if that wouldn’t have required a decision of some sort. I couldn’t believe the shape I was in. When had this crept up on me? All I could do was stand there shaking in every limb, blinking after them stupidly.  
  
+  
  
I was going to get clean. I would have cried with happiness if I hadn’t been afraid it would turn into something else and I wouldn’t be able to get it stopped. With Quatre on one side and Trowa on the other, I made my slow, cautious way to the bathroom. This was the first time I had been out of bed since I had left the hospital. I was trembling and sweating before we got halfway there.  
  
‘You’re doing fine, Duo,’ Quatre soothed and we made it at last. I was surprised to find a whole bunch of stuff in the bathroom that I had never seen before. They sat me on the toilet and Quatre switched on the bathroom heater. While things warmed up, he set up a wide-based, backless stool in the middle of the tub and began slipping a plastic bag over my cast. It seemed made just for the purpose, with several rows of some sort of elastic around the top, and a sticky strip at the edge to seal it to my leg.  
  
They helped me work the t-shirt off, there’s a trick to it when you can’t raise one arm. They blessedly left the shorts on while Trowa had to bodily lift me and sit me on the stool. Then he left me alone with Quatre.  
  
‘You doing ok, Duo?’ he asked me gently and I nodded. ‘All right then, I’m going to get your hair first, ok?’ and I just nodded again.   
  
I had my back to the showerhead, and behind me I heard him rattling something I didn’t recognize.  
  
‘What…?’ I questioned and he chuckled softly.  
  
‘I’ve already had my shower today, thanks. I got a handheld sprayer that goes on over the faucet… Ah! Got it.’  
  
Then the water came on and I moaned with the sweet feel of it washing clean and warm over me.   
  
He soaked my hair top to bottom and then lathered it up, scrubbing hard, as I had been afraid he wouldn’t.  
  
‘Gods, Quatre,’ I told him at length. ‘I can’t tell you how good this feels.’  
  
‘Duo…’ he hesitated. ‘What in the world is going on?’  
  
I almost choked. ‘I… I don’t know. He won’t talk to me… He…’ All the things I had blurted to Wufei in my dream the other night threatened to pour out of my mouth and I bit down hard. ‘I just don’t know.’  
  
He continued to work with my hair; his hands gentle and firm, though I could sense his underlying anger with Heero.

‘Quatre,’ I felt suddenly compelled to tell him, this moment taking me back through the years to a dozen other moments very much like it. ‘I’ve never thanked you for…never treating me like… I’m made out of glass.’  
  
Behind me, he snorted derisively. ‘I know better than that. Tempered steel maybe… gundanium… but not glass.’  
  
He caught me by surprise and I chuckled lightly. It felt good.   
  
He leaned around to look me in the face with a bright smile. ‘That’s better.’   
  
He was rinsing my hair when Trowa poked his head back in the bathroom. ‘Wufei says dinner will be ready in twenty minutes if that’s all right?’  
  
Quatre eyed me critically. ‘Tell him to slow it down a little.’  
  
Trowa ducked back out, and Quatre stepped back. ‘Time to lose the shorts Duo.’   
  
I sighed in resignation. ‘There goes the last of my dignity,’ I muttered and he laughed.  
  
‘I’ve washed your bare ass before, Duo Maxwell,’ he smirked at me.  
  
‘Don’t remind me,’ I growled and we unsnapped the sides of the sopping shorts and he took them away.  
  
‘Where the hell did you find shorts like that, anyway?’ I asked, just to change the damned subject, but the question made him snicker.  
  
‘Don’t ask.’ And I suddenly didn’t want to know.  
  
He carefully gathered my hair and twisted it into a rope that he draped over my shoulder out of the way. Then he warily began to wash my back, very aware of the wounds. He got very quiet after a minute and his hands stilled.  
  
‘Duo?’ his voice was strange. ‘How…’ he hesitated, beginning again. ‘Have you been out of bed since you got home?’  
  
It felt like he was asking me to tell the teacher on another kid. I wavered, finally settling on that ages old evasion of answering a question with another question. ‘What’s wrong?’  
  
He took that as an answer in the negative. ‘You have a couple of bed sores starting to form back here.’  
  
All I could do was grunt. I wanted to laugh at that mad God; throw all the straws you want on the back of this little camel; you can’t break what’s already broken.  
  
We didn’t speak much after that.   
  
He let me have the washcloth when it came time to do the front, and I washed everything I could reach. He had to take it back and do my lower leg when I couldn’t bend far enough.  
  
He turned off the water and gave me a towel while he went to get me clean clothes. He made sure I was dry and had shorts on again before he called Trowa back to lift me out. That was one of the best things about being cared for by Quatre, while he was just no-nonsense and straightforward about things when they needed to be done; he remembered to keep your pride in mind. I could always count on coming through one of these awkward encounters with a little bit of self-respect intact.   
  
Trowa would have carried me back to bed if there had been a way to manage it, but it hurt bad enough, just his lifting me over the edge of the tub. They stripped the plastic off my leg and then shored me up as we headed back for the living room. I looked longingly at the bed as we went through the bedroom. I hadn’t meant to, and was left to squirm when Quatre noticed.  
  
‘Duo, would you rather go to bed in here?’ he asked in all innocence.  
  
‘No!’ I blurted, alarmed. The last thing I wanted was to force the issue with Heero by just showing up in his bed. It made me think though, and I pulled them to a stop before we got into the living room.  
  
‘Guys…’ I looked from one of them to the other, not sure where in the hell to start. ‘Something’s wrong with Heero. Seriously wrong.’  
  
They shared a look that was somewhere between amused and pissed, and Quatre all but chuckled at me. ‘We kind of noticed, Duo,’ he said gently.  
  
Trowa didn’t look quite as amused and his arm around my waist tightened slightly. ‘Don’t worry. We’re not going anywhere until this is straightened out.’  
  
That thing about the camel and the straws? I hadn’t counted on the rush of pain when some of the straws were lifted back _off._

‘Thank you,’ I managed and had to close my eyes and fight back the tears. I felt like I had been stuck in a foxhole for the last three days, holding off the enemy with the last of my ammunition. Destined to get shot down when my position was overrun… and suddenly hearing the cavalry charging over the hill to my rescue.   
  
‘We’re here now, Duo,’ Quatre was whispering to me. ‘You should have called us. We didn’t know…’  
  
‘Hush,’ Trowa said softly, and I’m not sure if he was talking to Quatre or me. They waited for me and at length I was able to open dry eyes and we resumed the long trek to the living room.   
  
The smells of dinner hit me as we came into the room, and my stomach growled loudly again. I tried to make a joke of it, but Trowa and Quatre just looked pissed.   
  
They got me back into bed, and I realized that the sheets had been changed while I was out of it. I was relieved and gave Trowa a grateful look. I hate that sick-body smell that lingers for weeks after you’ve been put under, while you’re still sweating out the residue of the anesthesia. I knew it would be back soon, it was coming from _me_ after all, but for now, there was just the faint scent of soap and laundry detergent.   
  
I was exhausted from the exertion and just let them tuck me into my clean bed.   
  
Quatre went back to clean up the mess in the bathroom while Trowa went to help Wufei finish bringing dinner in to the coffee table.  
  
My eyes sought Heero, and found him curled into the corner of the couch, staring off into space. He looked worse than I felt. When Quatre came back, I caught him with a worried glance and he came to pat my shoulder.   
  
‘ _You_ are top priority,’ he told me firmly. ‘We’ll deal with him next.’  
  
They fed me; a thick, rich beef stew that Quatre had made and frozen for us. There were biscuits with it and I ate until I thought I would burst, though I could tell Wufei wasn’t happy with the amount I put away. When I was done, I was so blurrily sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open. But Wufei was there with the bottle of pain pills.  
  
‘Maxwell,’ he prodded me. ‘Don’t go to sleep yet. When was the last time you took your medicine?’  
  
‘Not takin’ any more,’ I told him groggily.  
  
‘Yes you are,’ he told me, smiling warmly.  
  
‘Tired of feelin’ depressed…’ I mumbled, things getting said that I truly had not meant to say.  
  
There was a moment’s quiet, during which I drifted a little deeper. I heard Quatre start to say something, but Wufei cut him off. I tried to blink my eyes open to see just what in the hell was going on, but I was clean and warm and full and utterly worn out, and just couldn’t fight it. I let my eyes fall closed; whatever they were talking about couldn’t be all that important.  
  
Just when I thought I would drift away all together, Wufei asked softly, ‘Why did you call me last night?’  
  
‘Just wanted to talk…’ I mumbled. ‘Got so damned lonely. Why’d Heero shut the door, ‘Fei? What have I done wrong?’  
  
I would have reached for my panther, but I was just too far gone.

+  
  
It was like watching a movie in which I wasn’t involved. They moved around me as though I wasn’t there. Trowa and Quatre disappeared into the bathroom with Duo, and Wufei vanished into the kitchen.  
  
I fell back onto the couch and sat for a time with my head in my hands, trying to make my brain function.  
  
I had really screwed up this time. I had thought I had things under control. How could I have slipped up so badly… especially where Duo was concerned? Gods; I had done little more today than leave him lay there like a lump while I just sat and practically drifted in and out of consciousness. Dear Gods; I had not even fed him lunch.   
  
Small wonder Quatre had glared at me hard enough to strip the paint off the wall. I deserved nothing more.  
  
I curled into the corner of the couch and pulled my knees up to my chest. They moved around me and I barely noticed. The light had gone out of my world when they took Duo away. I just didn’t care. Duo was being cared for, and for the first time in my memory, I trusted that they would take better care of him than I was capable of doing.  
  
I felt as though my brain had short-circuited. Nothing was working right. Deep down somewhere, I knew it was prolonged sleep-deprivation. I had not slept more than an hour or two a night in almost two weeks. Every time I tried to go to bed at night, as soon as I drifted deep enough into sleep to begin dreaming, I relived that same gut-wrenching vision of Duo’s body being hauled up out of the wreckage of that house.  
  
I was vaguely aware of Trowa coming back from the bathroom alone and changing the sheets on the hospital bed. I probably should have gotten up and helped him, but I couldn’t seem to make myself budge. He moved in and out of my field of vision, changing the sheets, fetching a fresh pitcher of water, going back to check on Duo and Quatre. I could hear Wufei in the kitchen, but I couldn’t work up to caring about that either.  
  
It seemed a very long time before they brought Duo back. He was struggling so hard to make it back to the bed. It was taking both Trowa and Quatre to keep him upright and moving.   
  
They eased him into the bed and pulled the covers up to keep him from getting chilled with his hair still wet. There were a few moments when the others left on errands, that we were alone in the room together. I could feel him staring at me, worry plain on his face and I struggled to pull myself together, to say something to him, to get up and go to him. But it seemed as though I were sitting outside myself, and my body refused to answer my commands.  
  
I watched them feed him dinner, watched him eat voraciously, saw Wufei frown over how little he actually consumed. I could see him becoming more lethargic with each bite. But watching seemed to be all I could do.  
  
He was drifting away even as Wufei tried to get him to take his pain pills.  
  
‘Maxwell,’ he prodded. ‘Don’t go to sleep yet. When was the last time you took your medicine?’  
  
‘Not takin’ any more,’ I heard him say, and I wasn’t at all surprised. He hates taking medication; I was only amazed it took him this long to get stubborn about it.  
  
‘Yes you are,’ Wufei said firmly.  
  
‘Tired of feelin’ depressed…’ Duo said then, and every back in the room stiffened, even mine. What? What did he mean by that? I felt a flicker of some feeling get passed the wall that seemed to be around my head.  
  
Everyone was still for a moment, as Duo slipped further away. Quatre stepped to Wufei’s side and spoke softly to him.  
  
‘We can’t let him fall asleep on his back; he’s getting bedsores. We have to turn…’ But Wufei cut him off with a gesture and a sharp nod. He seemed to be waiting for Duo to fall further asleep.  
  
Bedsores?   
  
Finally, Wufei leaned down close to Duo and said in a soft, soothing tone, ‘why did you call me last night?’  
  
‘Just wanted to talk…’ he mumbled. ‘Got so damned lonely. Why’d Heero shut the door, ‘Fei? What have I done wrong?’  
  
That flicker of feeling in my head turned into pain and I suddenly felt like I’d been punched in the stomach. What had I done? What in the hell had I done?  
  
Wufei gave up on the pain medicine and gestured Quatre and Trowa to move in and get Duo turned over.  
  
Then he was heading for me.  
  
I half expected him to come around the couch and deck me. I half wanted him to. Instead, he came and sat in front of me, first taking my chin in his hand and looking closely at my eyes, much the way Trowa had. He took my hands and raised them up in front of us, holding them lightly and watching as they trembled uncontrollably. I could see him taking all the clues and piecing things together.  
  
‘You aren’t sleeping,’ he said at long last, and all I could do was shake my head.  
  
‘Why not?’ As always, he cut straight to the heart of the whole damn thing.  
  
I tried my voice and found it as shaky as my hands. Hell; as shaky as my whole body. How had I fallen this far?  
  
‘Can’t,’ I told him bluntly. ‘Damned nightmares.’ He couldn’t know what it had cost me to tell him that. Keeping that to myself, not scaring Duo with my screaming night terrors, had become a self-appointed mission over the last several weeks. Balanced against what Duo had been thinking… suddenly it didn’t seem quite so important to keep that secret. I could suddenly see all the flaws in my carefully thought out logic.  
  
The look on his face softened a little, and he let me have my hands back. I wrapped my arms around my knees and looked at him through eyes that hadn’t been focusing so very well over the last couple of days. I looked into his calm, patient face; not finding the loathing I had expected to see there. ‘Help me,’ I whispered to him. I hadn’t done such a great job on my own.  
  
He smiled at me. ‘Good,’ he said. ‘This is going to be a whole lot easier with your co-operation.’   
  
As if on cue, a knock sounded at the front door. Wufei didn’t take his eyes from mine, but said, ‘Trowa, would you let Sally in?’  
  
I grunted in surprise.   
  
He quirked a half-smile at me, his steady gaze telling me he was gauging my reaction. ‘I called her when I first went into the kitchen.’  
  
Behind me, I could hear Trowa exchanging quiet greetings with Sally Po, Head of forensics for the Preventers. A trained and tried field medic. Wufei was intending on sedating me. My suspicions were confirmed when she came around the couch to perch on the coffee table beside us, her bag in her hand.  
  
She grinned at me openly. ‘Yuy and Maxwell; in over their heads again, I see.’  
  
They were expecting me to fight them. They were expecting an argument.  
  
‘Can you make me sleep without the nightmares?’ I asked her point blank and I saw that I had surprised them both. They didn’t understand the depth of my desperation.   
  
She was pulling one of my eyelids back and looking at my pupils intently, even as her other hand reached to take my pulse. She frowned. ‘How in the hell long has this been going on?’  
  
I was confused for a moment, trying to decide if Wufei had guessed what was happening and told her when he called her, or if Trowa’d had time to say more when he let her in and I just hadn’t heard it.  
  
‘Yuy,’ Wufei prompted and I realized I hadn’t answered her.  
  
‘Since the night I came home,’ I finally managed to supply.  
  
Wufei cursed and gave her a day.  
  
She looked at me a little harder. ‘How much sleep have you been averaging a night?’   
  
I floundered with that one, not able to do the math in my head. Sally looked to Wufei for direction and he reworded it for me.  
  
‘How long can you sleep before the nightmares start?’  
  
‘An hour…’ I told him. ‘Sometimes two.’  
  
They shared a look and she told him, ‘Get him in to bed and I’ll get the sedative ready.’  
  
She looked back at me. ‘Heero, are you taking any other medication?’  
  
I shook my head and Wufei waved Trowa in. They guided me into the bedroom and stripped me down, tucking me into bed like a small child. When I was settled to suit them, Wufei called Sally in and she gave me the injection. I felt it hitting me within a matter of minutes and I looked up at them.  
  
‘No dreams?’ I asked thickly.  
  
‘No dreams at all,’ Sally reassured me and patted my hand gently.  
  
I forced my eyes to stay open a little longer, finding Wufei beside the bed, ‘Chang… Duo…’  
  
He hushed me with the brush of fingers through my hair. ‘I have point,’ he told me and I let go all together allowing the dark to come up and take me away.  
  
+  
  
It was the strange, out of place sound of a woman’s voice that brought me up from the well of sleep. I found, gratefully, that I was on my stomach and all those places that had been burning and stinging all day felt much better. That cloying stench that I had been lying in was gone as well. I wasn’t hungry. All in all, a much better awakening than I’d had in a while.  
  
I might actually live.  
  
I opened my eyes to see the apartment full of people; at least that’s what it seemed like at first. The guys were still there, and the woman’s voice I had heard belonged to Sally Po. They were sitting around my coffee table, sipping drinks and talking in low tones. It was an oddly pleasant change.  
  
I thought back, and had some vague memories of being cleaned and fed and not much more. I must have practically passed out on them. Then I remembered Heero, sitting on the couch staring off at nothing, and I realized he wasn’t in the room.   
  
‘…pig-headed stubborn is what he is,’ Quatre was saying, and I chose to remain still and see what tidbits of information might come my way. I was heartily sick of being left in the dark.  
  
Sally was shaking her head. ‘That kind of sleep-deprivation is an insidious thing,’ she told him. ‘Inside your own head, the things you’re doing make perfect sense.’  
  
Trowa was sitting in the big armchair; his legs stretched out in front of him, propped on the table. ‘I don’t see how neglecting Duo could make sense to him no matter what kind of shape he was in.’  
  
Sally sighed and sipped at her drink, I licked at dry lips and wondered what the odds were of getting a soda out of one of these four. ‘His time sense was probably severely impaired,’ she was telling Trowa. ‘He may not even have realized how much time had gone by. He became focused on one thing…and his brain just couldn’t deal with any more.’  
  
‘One thing?’ Quatre asked.  
  
‘It’s hard to say… multi-tasking is pretty much impossible. The sleep deprived person has a tendency to fixate on one thing…’ She shrugged, telling him she couldn’t even imagine.  
  
‘Protecting Duo from the nightmares,’ Wufei said softly, staring down into his mug.  
  
Sally grunted softly in surprise. ‘Possible,’ she agreed. ‘I… suppose.’  
  
Wufei was rubbing at his eyes. ‘Mission; keep Duo from worrying. The nightmares would have made Duo worry. Therefore Duo must not know about the nightmares.’ He sighed gustily. Sally looked unconvinced, but Trowa and Quatre smiled knowingly and Quatre said, ‘It’s pretty typical of Heero.’  
  
Then he looked troubled. ‘But why didn’t Duo call us?’  
  
‘Isn’t that pretty typical of Maxwell?’ Wufei smiled sadly. ‘Trying to bear up under pressure? Tough it out?’

Both Trowa and Quatre chuckled lightly, sharing another of those looks. I was starting to squirm. I guess that’s what I got for eavesdropping.   
  
Sally looked around at them, seeming vaguely confused. ‘You make them sound like they should be in therapy,’ she said dryly.  
  
There was a strange silence, then a trio of chuckles and Trowa snickered lightly, ‘Shouldn’t we all?’  
  
I decided I really didn’t want to hear any more than I already had, and shifted in the bed to let them know that I was ‘waking up’.   
  
All four of them jumped like they’d been shot. I would have grinned if I hadn’t been trying so hard to appear as though I had just blinked open blurry eyes. Sally and Wufei both rose to come and check on me, and I did my damnedest to look blissfully innocent.  
  
Wufei smiled so fondly at me that I was instantly awash with guilt and felt myself blushing. Wufei’s smile turned into a grin. ‘And just how long have _you_ been awake?’  
  
‘Busted, huh?’ I grinned back.  
  
He hummed an affirmative and I sighed. ‘Long enough. What’s this about Heero having nightmares?’  
  
He looked a little sad then, and squatted down so I didn’t have to twist my neck to look up at him.  
  
‘We don’t know much more than that ourselves,’ he told me, reaching to brush my hair out of my eyes for me. It was still loose from the shower. ‘He was pretty… out of it by the time we questioned him. He’s, apparently, not been sleeping more than a couple of hours a night… since the storm.’ I almost groaned. ‘Storm’ had apparently become part of our collective vocabulary. I could almost hear the capital letters in it _‘The Storm’_. It sounded like a freaking movie title.   
  
‘Wufei…’ Sally warned and I would have glared at her if it wouldn’t have looked pretty pathetic.  
  
But Wufei just smiled up at her. ‘I think there’s been enough secrets kept in this household for awhile, don’t you?’  
  
She subsided and I smiled gratefully at him. ‘Where’s Heero now?’ I asked, suddenly a little worried.  
  
Wufei actually smirked. ‘We sedated him.’ He jerked his head toward the bedroom. ‘He’s in there sleeping like a baby.’  
  
I felt myself relax and sighed heavily. ‘Thank the Gods for you guys,’ I blurted and then blushed.  
  
Wufei chuckled and rubbed the pad of a calloused thumb across my cheek. ‘You’re welcome.’  
  
I glanced at Sally. ‘But, uhmmm… if you don’t mind my asking; why is there a coroner in the middle of my living room?’  
  
Sally burst out with a laugh that she quickly stifled, settling on a wide grin. ‘Because I come with a free drug supply and no questions asked.’  
  
‘Oh,’ Wufei said wryly, ‘you’ve been doing nothing _but_ ask questions.’  
  
She rolled her eyes and jerked her thumb over her shoulder. ‘Get out of the way, Wufei and let me do the other part of what you called me over here for.’  
  
And I suddenly found myself being poked and prodded, and checked over from top to bottom. Literally, when Quatre had to come and show her the bed sores that were trying to form on my hip and shoulder blade. She was very thorough, asking me all manner of questions about intake and output that left me wanting to pull the covers over my head and die of embarrassment. She checked my eyes, listened to my heart, took my temperature, had the guys help me turn over so she could feel and listen to my abdomen.  
  
At length, she pronounced me mildly dehydrated but otherwise none the worse for wear. She gave me a little lecture about changing position at least once every hour or so. Gave Wufei a list of recommended sports drinks and a warning to make sure I drank more than just water. She looked over my prescriptions and made a couple of suggestions to talk to Doc McKay about. Changes that might help with the side effects I was suffering with. Finally, she was packing her stuff back into the bag it had all come out of and I managed to mutter my thanks.  
  
She smiled at me. ‘I’d been meaning to come by and see you anyway. I just thought I’d wait until you felt a little more up to company.’ A sad look crossed her face. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.’  
  
I gave her one of the patented grins. ‘Hell; the shape we were in, we might not have answered the door.’  
  
It was meant to be funny, but nobody laughed. She patted my hand and went to get her jacket. I watched her walk across the room and then looked up to watch Wufei watch her walk across the room. I grinned.  
  
‘Fei?’ I said softly, soft enough to ensure that he knelt down next to me to hear better.  
  
‘What, Duo?’ he asked, voice a little concerned.  
  
I carefully reached out and took hold of the collar of his shirt and drew him closer. ‘Walk the woman to her car.’  
  
I was most gratified to see him flush darkly. He hissed a warning at me but I only smiled.  
  
‘You _were_ the one who called her out here,’ I murmured. ‘It would only be the… honorable thing to do.’  
  
He tried to maintain the stern look, but it finally crumbled and he just shook his head. ‘You are incorrigible.’   
  
‘Yes,’ I grinned at him. ‘But that’s why you love me.’  
  
He finally grinned back and surprised me with, ‘Well, I knew there had to be a reason.’  
  
I let him go and he stood, so that when Sally finally got her stuff together and turned to leave, Wufei offered to see her out without so much as a glance in my direction.   
  
Well… a little bloody progress after all these years. Maybe I could dare dream about nieces and nephews someday after all.  
  
I turned to find Quatre at my side with the most beautiful bottle of Mt. Dew I have ever seen. I beamed at him.  
  
‘Quatre…’ Trowa frowned and I feared I would lose it before I could take the first swallow. But Quatre just smiled back at him.  
  
‘She said _not_ plain water.’  
  
‘I doubt that’s what she had in mind,’ Trowa glared.  
  
‘Well, we don’t have any Gatorade,’ Quatre reasoned blandly. ‘I doubt if _one_ is going to hurt him.’  
  
He opened the bottle and passed it to me and I swallowed in pure, unadulterated bliss. ‘Thanks, Quatre. This is the nicest thing anyone’s done for me all day.’  
  
‘Suck up,’ Trowa muttered to Quatre and I almost spit the drink back out all over myself.  
  
+  
  
It was a difficult climb back to consciousness. It seemed to happen in stages. In the first stage, I was distantly aware of voices and movement in the apartment, but was completely and totally unable to make myself care enough to even try to listen to what was being said. At some length, I was able to discern that the voices belonged to Trowa, Quatre and Wufei.   
  
After a bit longer, that jogged my memory enough that I started to remember why I was so obviously coming out of a drug induced stupor.   
  
Oh dear Gods.  
  
Duo. My Duo. What had I done?  
  
I felt like my brain was engaging for the first time in days. I looked at the clock and it didn’t help a whole lot. My best guess was that I had been asleep for somewhere close to sixteen hours, either that or only four. Based on how I felt, my money was on the sixteen.  
  
I staggered up to the bathroom, and after using the facilities, took a few moments to wash my face and rinse the bad taste out of my mouth.  
  
Then I went to find Duo. I had a lot of apologizing to do… if he was still speaking to me.  
  
All conversation ceased when I came wobbling out of the bedroom, and I flushed, not able to meet anyone’s eyes. I looked towards Duo’s bed and found him there asleep. I wanted to go to him. I wanted to talk to him. I wished him awake. I hesitated, standing just inside the living room, feeling like a damned intruder in my own home. There was the sudden sound of an exasperated sigh.  
  
‘Yuy,’ Wufei said to me as he rose from the couch. ‘When did ‘stupid’ become your middle name?’  
  
Before I could stop him, he had gone and gently shaken Duo awake. ‘Sleeping Beauty’s finally conscious,’ I heard him snicker, then he turned away and bluntly told Trowa and Quatre, ‘I think we need to go make lunch.’ The three of them trailed out of the room.  
  
Duo’s eyes blinked open and flicked around a bit, hunting before finding me, and he smiled warmly.  
  
I thought my heart would break. How can he always forgive me the stupid, damn crap I do?  
  
‘Come here, lover,’ he called softly, and I was drawn to the side of the bed as though pulled by a siren’s song.  
  
‘Duo…’ I breathed his name. It felt like a prayer on my lips. There was no barrier here; the barrier had been in me. Careful as I could, I sat on the edge of the bed, ‘Duo, love… I…’  
  
He stopped me with the touch of his fingers. ‘We _are_ going to talk,’ he said firmly. ‘But I do not want to hear the word _failed_ , not even once. Do you understand me?’  
  
I nodded, because his fingers were still covering my lips; and blinked furiously.  
  
‘But first, you’re going to kiss me,’ his voice held an odd tremor, ‘and you’re going to do it like you mean it, understand?’  
  
I nodded again, and he moved his hand to my cheek, guiding me down until our lips met. His parted beneath mine, and I accepted the invitation. His hand slid further and tangled in my hair, pulling me closer, drawing me down to meet his sudden desperation.  
  
I drew back long enough to tell him, ‘I’m so damn sorry.’ Before I met his trembling lips again. He matched me frantic need for frantic need until he was panting beneath me and I had to stop before I completely forgot his injuries.   
  
He looked up at me with fever bright intensity. ‘It’s good to have you back, love.’  
  
He gave me his hand because it was about the only thing I could hold without hurting him, and I hugged it to my chest. I was struggling with a hundred twisted, conflicting emotions, completely overwhelmed that he could so easily forgive me for screwing things up so badly.   
  
‘Duo, how in the hell can you forgive me? I betrayed your trust… I…’ I didn’t even know where to start.  
  
He growled low in his throat and glared at me. ‘No failed. No betrayed. No fucking sorrys. We’ve wasted days and I’m tired of it.’  
  
He took his hand away and reached up to pull my head down to rest on his shoulder and whispered fiercely in my ear, ‘This damn hospital bed is going away. Tonight I’m sleeping in _our_ bed… with you. You are going to hold me in your arms. You are going to tell me about these nightmares and I am going to hold _you_. We are going to get past this. We’re going to get through it… together.’   
  
He let me go and I sat up to look down at him. ‘You are so… beautiful,’ I sighed, and something strange passed across his face. ‘I don’t deserve you.’  
  
He rolled his eyes and sighed. ‘You are bound and determined to beat yourself up over this, aren’t you?’  
  
‘Pretty much,’ I confirmed for him with a tiny smile. ‘I fucked up. Huge amounts.’  
  
‘I think that has already been established,’ he glared. ‘And I may have made a couple of decisions that were probably not the smartest ones I’ve ever made.’  
  
I recaptured his fingers and held them in the circle of mine. ‘You didn’t do anything…’ I began, but he cut me off.  
  
‘Precisely,’ he pounced on that opening in a heartbeat. ‘I could see something was wrong and I didn’t call for help. I got so wrapped up in coping with my problems that I didn’t look outside myself to try to help you with yours.’  
  
‘I shouldn’t have put you in a position where you had to,’ I told him firmly. I didn’t want him trying to share this guilt. This mess was entirely my fault.  
  
He sighed and let his head fall back on the pillow. ‘Heero… let’s just say that once again between the two of us we have fairly well confirmed that after all these years… we are still pretty damn screwed up.’  
  
I couldn’t help but laugh and he smiled up at me tenderly. ‘Sally thinks we need therapy.’  
  
I shook my head in defeat and smiled down into those beautiful amethyst eyes, that somehow never lost their faith in me. ‘I love you,’ I told him simply.  
  
‘Heart and soul,’ he murmured and gave me a look that demanded another kiss.  
  
I leaned down to comply and behind me, heard the sounds of lunch being delivered to the coffee table.  
  
‘Glad to see you two got things straightened out,’ I heard Wufei chuckle, but I ignored him and finished what I had started. Let them watch, damnit; I didn’t care.  
  
+  
  
The guys stayed with us the rest of that day, feeding us lunch and cleaning up the place a little bit. Quatre and Trowa made a trip to the grocery and restocked the kitchen, incidentally getting me the sports and protein drinks that Sally had recommended. They spent a couple of hours cooking and freezing meals to replace what we had gone through in the last couple of days.   
  
I dozed quite a bit, the last several days had, apparently, taken a lot out of me. I felt like I’d been severely beaten with a rather large stick. Just the sound and feel of the guys in the apartment was such a comforting thing. A feeling like… coming home after a long time away. I felt safe and secure, and confident that Heero was being cared for. I didn’t even have to hold onto my little plushy buddy. Though I woke once to find Wufei standing over me, the little thing resting in the palm of his hand and a strange look on his face. He met my eyes squarely, holding my gaze for a long time before softly telling me, ‘I didn’t give this to you to replace your friends. I gave it to you to _remind_ you of us.’  
  
I opened my mouth to speak, but under the intensity of his dark eyes, nothing came out.  
  
‘Don’t you ever not call me when you need me again, understand?’  
  
I nodded; utterly mute, feeling like a damned deer in headlights.  
  
‘Good,’ he smiled, laying the panther back on the table, turned and walked away.  
  
It took a little while before I was able to doze back off.   
  
When I roused again, it was to see Wufei in Heero’s face and my lover had much the same unfortunate deer expression.   
  
‘…won’t come running over here every couple of days to sedate you,’ I heard Wufei say and I almost gave myself away with a snicker. Trowa and Quatre were nowhere in sight, probably out shopping.  
  
Heero hung his head and flushed darkly, his face registering a heart wrenching mixture of shame and guilt. He mumbled something I couldn’t hear.  
  
‘Heero,’ Wufei said patiently. ‘Nightmares are perfectly understandable… I’ve had a few myself over this, but they shouldn’t be taking over your life.’  
  
‘I know that, damnit,’ Heero sounded a little irritated and I wondered how long this conversation had been going on. ‘Just what the hell would you have me do?’  
  
‘You need to talk to somebody…’ Wufei told him surprisingly gently, and I heard the word _therapy_ echoing behind his words.  
  
‘I’m not… I can’t…!’ Heero almost snarled and threw himself up off the couch. He only walked a little ways off though, before stopping with his back to Wufei and wrapping his arms around himself. Wufei stood after a long moment and went softly to stand behind him, reaching out and putting his hands on Heero’s shoulders. That and nothing more. It was one of those frozen moments. One of those mental images I will carry with me for a long time to come. It spoke to me of Wufei’s infinite patience… his endless strength. And it spoke to me of Heero’s vulnerability. Told me that even an ex-Perfect Soldier had his limits.   
  
They stood like that for a long while, I think Wufei could have offered more, but I think it was all that Heero was able to accept.  
  
They stayed with us through dinner, a somewhat lavish affair that was cooked fresh from what Trowa and Quatre brought from the market. They said it was to save the pre-cooked, frozen meals for us when we needed them, but it was at least partially designed to entice me to eat. Comprised entirely, as it was, of my favorite foods, and brought to me by a beaming Quatre. They knew I couldn’t deny that man anything any more than the rest of them could. I personally felt like it wasn’t fighting fair.  
  
I let Heero feed me, mostly because cutting the steak up with only one good hand was just a pain in the ass. Besides, it seemed to make him feel better to do things for me, and the Gods only knew he needed something to make him feel better.  
  
They left us with admonishments and reassurances until I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. They vowed someone would be back tomorrow to check on us. It was dark before the front door was finally shut and we were alone.  
  
There wasn’t any uncomfortable dancing around each other tonight. He came to me straight away, taking my hand in his and raising it to his lips to lightly kiss the scar there.  
  
‘We have an incredible little family, don’t we love?’ I smiled up at him, content under his touch.  
  
He quirked a small grin in response. ‘That we do.’ Then he sobered a little. ‘I don’t know where in the hell we would be without them.’  
  
There was no answer to that, no answer that either of us wanted to think about, so I didn’t speak.

‘Duo… love,’ he was suddenly hesitant, almost timid. ‘Did you mean what you said?’  
  
I was confused, thinking back, trying to figure out what he was talking about. ‘When?’  
  
‘About… sleeping with me?’   
  
‘Yes...’ I told him, and it was surprisingly difficult to get it out. ‘I don’t want to be out here by myself. I… want to sleep… next to you.’  
  
Something strangely like fear flickered through his eyes and I was immediately sorry I had brought it up.  
  
‘I’m… I’m so afraid I’ll hurt you,’ he suddenly blurted and it was all I could do not to laugh out loud as relief swept through me. I had to shut my eyes.  
  
‘Duo? What’s wrong?’ His voice sounded distressed.  
  
‘I thought…’ I started to tell him, then realized how it would make him feel and clamped down on it, just shutting up.   
  
‘You thought what?’ he prompted when I left the sentence unfinished.  
  
‘Never mind,’ I smiled and reached to brush my fingers across his cheek. ‘It’s not important now.’  
  
‘It _is_ important,’ he said firmly and I tried to look away, kicking myself for the lapse. He gently put his hands on either side of my face and forced me to look up at him. His eyes searched mine long and hard and I suddenly felt like I was as transparent as a piece of crystal. It was a strange feeling; yesterday I think I could have grown tentacles and turned green and he wouldn’t have noticed. Today I didn’t feel like I could even hide my damn thoughts.  
  
His face crumbled as I blushed beneath his gaze. ‘Oh Gods, Duo. You thought… you thought I didn’t want you.’  
  
The echo of those feelings reverberated through my heart and I started to cry. I couldn’t stop it; the tears just starting coming. I wanted to hide, but he wouldn’t let me even turn my face away. I hate crying. I hate myself for not being able to stop once it gets started. I hate the way it makes me feel. I could see, now that I was climbing out of the dark pit I had been in and looking back, that those feelings were false, hollow things bred of the pain and the drugs and the confusion. But it didn’t diminish how much I had hurt. It didn’t change how lost and alone I had felt. And so… I cried.  
  
His face was so… stricken. It just added to my long list of hurts. I had put that look on his face because I couldn’t fucking keep my emotions in check.  
  
‘Oh… baby, no,’ he breathed, and eased down until he could slip his arms around my shoulders. I wrapped my right arm around his neck and managed to force my left one far enough to at least rest on his waist. So much less than I needed. Almost more than my body could bear.  
  
I sobbed brokenly against his shoulder and did my damnedest to wrestle it down. Where the hell did all the tears keep coming from? Wasn’t there an end to them somewhere? Hadn’t I used my allotment for the whole Gods damned year? The hitching gasp of my breath was sending tearing pains through my torso, compounding my inability to concentrate and control it. All I could do was cling to Heero and ride it out.  
  
For his part, he hung on to me as tight as he dared, his arms carefully high on my shoulders to avoid all the places he couldn’t touch. His hand gently stroking over my hair.  
  
‘I’m sorry, Duo. So damned sorry…’ he murmured close to my ear, his voice a throaty rumble of twisted emotion. ‘I love you so very much… there aren’t words to tell you what you mean to me. Of course I want you. I will always want you… I could sooner live without air than live without you…’  
  
Where did he learn to weave these spells with that magic voice of his? I think sometimes he could read me an unabridged dictionary and calm my heart; just as long as I could hear his voice. He talked me down from it, despite the spiraling pain growing in my chest, and at length I was able to push it aside enough to speak to him again.  
  
‘I… I’m sorry, Heero,’ I was completely mortified, wanted nothing so much as to take back the last ten minutes. ‘The damned drugs do this to me; you know that.’  
  
‘I _do_ know that,’ he agreed softly. ‘And I should have been here for you.’  
  
He eased his embrace and drew back to look me in the eye for a moment before leaning in to kiss me. Like he meant it.  
  
He pulled away after a moment and looked down at me with a concerned frown. ‘You’re trembling.’  
  
I quirked a tired half smile. ‘I apparently have the energy reserves of a piss-ant.’   
  
He stroked my hair out of my eyes and lovingly wiped the tears from my cheeks with his fingers. ‘Rest, little one.’  
  
I did feel like I could sleep some more, though it was starting to make me crazy, this constant dozing. ‘Do you think…’ I ventured, ‘that you could help me with my hair?’  
  
He smiled tenderly. ‘How about you take a nap while I go get a much needed shower. When I get out, we’ll brush and braid your hair and then… go to bed.’   
  
I felt like crowing, but only smiled and nodded. He gave me another kiss and went off to the bathroom. I could tell from the sounds that he left the door open.  
  
I hurt too much to really manage to nap; I just drifted on the edges of sleep, listening to the sound of the running water and thinking about the day.  
  
Heero came back after a little bit, and finding me awake, set to brushing my hair. He pulled the pillow out from under my head, and worked me up so that my hair trailed off the head of the bed. He was able to brush out most of the tangles without my having to endure the strain of sitting up. When he doesn’t need to be sedated, he’s terribly thoughtful.  
  
Once it was brushed, we had no choice but to get me up in order to braid it. There was just no good way to move with that kind of wound and in the end, Heero went and got one of the kitchen chairs for me to sit on while he fixed my hair. It was such a relief to get it out of my face.  
  
I insisted I be allowed to use the bathroom since we were up and moving anyway, instead of having to use the damned bedpan again. Heero seemed a little relieved, and I almost chuckled at him.   
  
Then it was time for bed and I found myself feeling hesitant about it.  
  
‘Heero… are you sure this is all right with you?’  
  
He frowned at me even as he was easing me down on the side of the bed. ‘Duo, you do not need my permission to sleep in your own bed.’  
  
I stopped him with a look. ‘Yes. I do.’  
  
He blinked at me, caught between surprise and… pain. I was sorry for that, but this was important to me. Somehow over the last three days this had become… Heero’s bed. It didn’t feel like our bed anymore.  
  
He knelt in front of me and took my hands. ‘I have wanted you back with me since that moment you first didn’t answer your damned cell phone. Had it been physically possible you would have slept on my chest from that first night in the hospital. I want you here. Have always wanted you here. Always _will_ want you here. I just do not, above all things, want to hurt you. You’ve hurt enough.’  
  
It was my turn to blink. Then I smiled softly. ‘Let’s go to bed.’  
  
He just grunted and helped me get undressed, easing me down and tucking the quilts in around me.  
  
It felt wonderful. Our bed, under our quilt, with Heero about to stretch out beside me, warm and within reach. Perfect…except for one little thing.  
  
‘Heero…’ I felt utterly ridiculous asking, after the fuss I had made about it, but I hurt way too bad to ever get to sleep without it. ‘I… need my pain medicine.’  
  
I had caught him by surprise again, and he looked at me hard, understanding how bad things had to be to force me to ask. ‘Of course, love.’ And he had the pills and a glass of water in my hands in a matter of minutes.  
  
He put the bottle of pills and the water close by on my bedside table, turned out the lights and slid cautiously in beside me.  
  
I normally go to sleep with my head pillowed in the hollow of his shoulder, my arm around his waist, my leg twined with his. You can’t sleep like that all night, or at least we can’t, and we’ll roll apart after we’ve fallen asleep. But it’s become such a habit to start out that way, with his arm curled around me warm and protective, that I have trouble going to sleep without it. I think he does too. It was worse this way; so close to normal but so impossible to achieve that comforting position.   
  
After an awkward moment, he turned toward me, wrapping his arm around my head and pulling his legs up so I could lay my arm in the curl of his body. His fingers gently stroked up and down my shoulder.  
  
‘Duo… how bad is it, love?’ His voice was tinged with disquiet.  
  
‘Heero… don’t,’ I sighed and turned my head, resting our foreheads together.  
  
I couldn’t tell him how much it bothered me, my giving in to the pain like this. Whenever I had to deal with injuries, I couldn’t help compare myself with Heero. I would always remember the sight of him setting his own broken leg after that disastrous brush with captivity way back when we had first met. If someone had told me that day that I would end up falling in love with Heero Yuy, I would have laughed out loud. Hell, let’s be honest; he had scared the crap out of me. I had been in awe, and was left feeling more than a little freaked out by our encounter. And more than a little inadequate.   
  
‘Stop it,’ he said into the silence that followed. ‘We are not in the middle of a damned war. We are not hiding out in fear for our lives. We do not have to make do and scrape by.’  
  
I flushed and looked away. Was he a bloody mind reader tonight? ‘But you don’t need to torture yourself with things you can’t do anything about, either.’  
  
He gave me a soft growl. ‘Damnit, Duo! You’re still doing it. Let me in… you’re still hiding things from me.’  
  
I turned back and raised an eyebrow. ‘Me? What about you? I haven’t heard word one from you about nightmares or sleeping or anything else.’  
  
That stopped him cold and it was his turn to look away and flush.  
  
‘Touché pushé cat.’ I intoned in my best French accent. I could tell he didn’t get it; he never gets my cartoon imitations. I watched him squirm a little bit, and then decided I might be able to draw him out a little if I gave in first.  
  
‘Yes, it hurts, Heero.’ I turned my head to look up at the ceiling and I felt him turn back to watch me. ‘It hurts like flaming hell. The leg aches constantly; the cast is hot and it _itches_. It hurts to breath. It hurts to do anything that uses my back muscles or my chest muscles. My back is on fire most of the time; those damned puncture wounds _burn.’_ I looked back at him. ‘But there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s just going to take time to heal.’   
  
He sat up and pushed the covers back, ‘We need to get you over on your stomach,’ he said gently and I just sighed and let him help me roll over. When I was settled, he pulled the quilt up to my waist again, but then instead of lying back down I felt him fold his legs and sit beside me.   
  
‘Stop me if it hurts,’ he said softly and began to gently massage my shoulders. The relief was almost instantaneous and it shocked a low moan out of me. Heero chuckled softly. ‘Nothing I can do, huh?’  
  
There wasn’t a lot he could touch, really; my shoulders, my hips and a place in the center of the small of my back. It didn’t matter; he reduced me to a whimpering puddle of goo in a matter of minutes. His hands are strong and firm and he exerts just the right amount of pressure in just the right places. Between his gentle ministrations and the pain pills, I was floating on the fuzzy edge of sleep before I could believe it. I was too far gone to care by the time I realized he had never gotten around to telling me about the bad dreams. The last thing I remember was the feel of him pulling the quilt up, kissing my temple, and whispering, ‘good night, my heart.’  
  
I think he slept a little longer than he had been. My doing? Maybe. I like to think so; that my presence could soothe him the way his reassured me. I don’t know.  
  
I woke with a start, not sure why, but with a sudden sense that something was wrong. The clock is on Heero’s side of the bed, and I actually turned that way to check it. I forgot about the time when my eyes found Heero sitting up in the middle of the bed, his hands clamped over his own mouth. As I focused on him, I became aware of the vibration I could feel through the mattress, caused by his shaking.  
  
‘Heero,’ I called him softly, just letting him know I was there, letting him know there wasn’t any point in trying to hide from me, that I was awake. He didn’t move, and I forced my body over, ignoring the pain that shot up my leg. I knew when he didn’t react to my movements that he was in bad shape. On my back, it put him on my stronger right side and I was able to take hold of his arm and pull him towards me. He wouldn’t fight me for fear of hurting, and he let me draw him down. I was able to get his head pillowed on my shoulder without too much pain and just held him as best I could with one arm.  
  
‘I’m here, love. I’m all right. You got me through… it’s over now… it’s all over and done. I’m all right…’  
  
He was shaking and his skin felt cold and slick. But he didn’t speak, didn’t take his hands away from his face. His muscles felt like braided steel under my hand.  
  
‘Heero. Come on, Heero. It’s all ok now… I’m right here with you… I’m not going anywhere…’  
  
Still he didn’t respond, lying silent and tense in the curl of my arm. I forced my left hand across my chest and managed to catch hold of one of his hands. Linked, our hands fell back against my abdomen; I didn’t have the strength in that arm to hold it up. I tried to put myself in his place, tried to think what it had been like over the last few weeks, tried to imagine what he had gone through.  
  
‘Heero, you couldn’t have gotten down those stairs. Quatre almost didn’t make it. You did the right thing letting Roger and his men do their jobs.’ There was a subtle change in the air, a something that told me I was on the right track. ‘I know it was hard. I know you wanted to come and get me. But, damnit; I knew you were there. I heard your voice calling me, you came for me; it made all the difference in the world.’  
  
I didn’t know I’d finally broken through until the first of the silent tears began to cool on my shoulder.  
  
‘You have to know that you’re all that got me through, right? You didn’t fail me. You were there for me every step of the way. And I know that.’  
  
‘I almost lost you…’ he whispered, so softly I almost didn’t hear it. ‘Through the war… through everything we’ve gone through… I’ve never come so close…’  
  
‘Shhhhh… It doesn’t matter now. Everything’s all right.’  
  
His shaking was getting worse, and I held on tight, wishing I had the strength to rock him.  
  
‘I couldn’t get to you. You needed me and I couldn’t get to you. I’ve never felt so damned helpless…’ His voice was unsteady and choked. I had trouble making out what he was saying.  
  
‘You were there, Heero,’ I told him firmly. ‘You were right there with me the whole damn time.’  
  
‘You… you were… dying… I could see it…. I…’ A sob bubbled up and he stopped talking.  
  
‘But you called me back.’ I didn’t bother denying the truth of it. ‘When I didn’t have the strength to hold on anymore, you gave me yours.’  
  
‘I wasn’t able to do a Gods damned thing!’ he wailed. ‘I couldn’t help you, I couldn’t get to you… I couldn’t…’ He finally broke completely and began to sob into my shoulder.  
  
‘Fucking hell!’ I barked at him. ‘I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you! You gave me an anchor; you gave me something to hold on for! Damnit, Heero, your voice was all that kept me from giving up! I couldn’t answer you; but by the Gods I _heard_ you… every step of the way… you were right there with me. You wouldn’t let me quit.’   
  
We were passed words then, he cried it out… at long last and I just held on to him. I could only hope that this would help him; would purge some of the guilt from his system and let him move on. Before long, I was trembling right along with him and that, I think, was what finally brought him back to himself.   
  
He doesn’t break down like this very often. I think I could count the times on the fingers of one hand. I also think that every single time could be directly attributed to something happening to me. He gets through what has to be gotten through, and then later when all is said and done, it’ll overtake him. It’s harsh and swift, hits him like a striking falcon. Takes him to his knees and just as quickly as it comes…it’s over.  
  
That’s how it was this time. He let me hold him while he wept through his pain and then he was pushing it aside, suddenly worried that he was hurting me. He wouldn’t speak of it…would act as though it had never happened. I wish I knew how he did it.  
  
I let him fuss over me, let him give me another dose of medicine because it had been long enough, and I was hurting pretty badly by then. Let him ease me back over, to get off the wounds. Let him tuck the quilts back around me. But then he surprised me, stretching out beside me and easing in for a kiss. And not one of those gentle, feather soft kisses that I had been getting. This one involved teeth and tongue and tasted of the salt of tears. It left me aching and panting.  
  
He groaned softly next to my ear, ‘It’s going to be a long damned six weeks.’  
  
Sex. The memory of it was… sweet. The thought of trying it was… horrifying. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I must have done my deer in headlights imitation again, because he laughed at me.  
  
‘Idiot.’ he told me fondly. ‘Go to sleep.’  
  
‘I will, if you will,’ I murmured back.  
  
His smile turned warm. ‘I… I think I… just might be able to.’  
  
We fell back asleep with our fingers entwined.

+  
  
It was the miracle of him by my side that got me through that night. I had gotten him to sleep and then just lay there next to him, watching the splendor of the rise and fall of his back as he breathed. The guilt romped around me, nipping at me and making it hard to fall asleep myself.   
  
I could not believe that I had let myself get into such a state that I had mistreated him as badly as I had. It had all made such sense at the time.   
  
I was devastated that I had made him feel… unloved, undesirable. Mortified that he took all of this from me in stride and… not so much _forgave_ me, as he never really blamed me in the first damned place!  
  
I wanted his head on my shoulder; I wanted his arm around me. It was so hard to fall asleep without his warmth pressed against me.   
  
Not for the first time, I wished I could let him inside my mind. Wished that he could see himself as I saw him, could feel how I felt about him, could understand what he means to me. There were no words that expressed what an integral part of me he was.  
  
I eventually did fall asleep, and not surprisingly, woke hours later caught in the snare of that all too familiar nightmare again.   
  
But this time, Duo was there and he pulled me out of it with his voice and his touch. He made it all right for me to let go for a while. He showed me once again the depth of his incredible strength, putting aside his pain to shore me up and bear the weight of mine. He let me lean on him, and I’m ashamed to have to admit that I faltered and fell and that he had to catch me.  
  
The feel of his weakness, of his body quivering with fatigue, gave me the strength to pull myself together and I tended to him until he fell asleep again.   
  
And for the first time, with his fingers wrapped warm in mine, I managed to fall back asleep as well.  
  
It was the beginning of the healing for both of us.  
  
We passed the next couple of days settling into a routine. Either Wufei or Trowa and Quatre stopped in at least once a day, and I had little doubt that they would for awhile yet. Though their visits were more than welcome, their arrivals always hit me like a mild rebuke; it was my failure that made it necessary for them to come by and check on us every day like that.  
  
Duo was sleeping a little less and was starting to get bored. The day that Misty and Justin arrived with Carrie for a visit, we were curled together on the couch, Duo’s laptop propped on my knees… shopping. He had decided that he might like to work on something while he was stuck in the apartment and we were on-line with the local quilt shop, ordering fabric. He thought he might be able to handle a little sewing.  
  
I was sitting sideways, supported against the arm of the couch, with Duo reclining against my chest. This was something we had only tried just today and though we both found it to be incredibly satisfying, I didn’t think it was a position he was going to be able to manage for long stretches of time. I held the laptop balanced on my knee, the extra long phone cord I had found, looping off across the coffee table, while Duo surfed his way through the on-line quilt shop.  
  
I cursed when the knock came on the door, and had to yell for the interlopers to _hang on a minute_ , while I gently untangled us, replacing my body with several pillows and couch cushions, until Duo seemed as comfortable as possible. Then I went to open the door and was greeted with the happy squeals of a four-year-old. It was all I could do not to groan out loud. I wasn’t up to this yet, and I honestly didn’t think that Duo was either.  
  
Misty, thank the Gods, kept a tight rein on Carrie, or I’m sure the child would have thrown herself into Duo’s lap. I would have had to hurt someone.  
  
Misty came in hauling an assortment of baked goods. The woman treats any given situation as an excuse to cook. Mostly cookies and brownies and the like, sometimes homemade bread. It was a wonder she kept her slim build; but perhaps that was because she was constantly giving the stuff away.  
  
Carrie was chanting, ‘Unca Duo!’ like a mantra and after I performed my social duties by taking their jackets and settling the pile of Tupperware on the table, I found myself compelled to place myself where I could intercept any exuberant hugs that might get directed at said Uncle.  
  
‘We’re gonna get a new house, Unca Duo!’ She finally left off the mantra to deliver what was probably, for her, the most exciting news she’d had in her short life.  
  
Duo grinned for her. ‘Is it a big house?’ he asked, falling into easy communication with her, seeming to forget her parents for a moment.  
  
‘We haven’t found it yet, silly,’ she informed him haughtily with a roll of her brown eyes. ‘But it’s gonna have a big yard for Bernie and Mommy says it might even have _two_ bafrooms!’  
  
Misty came and sat on the coffee table beside her daughter and stroked a maternal hand over the curly locks, smiling warmly at Duo. ‘We’re not going to rebuild, we needed a bigger place anyway,’ she explained. ‘We’ve looked at a few places, but… haven’t found anything that suits all three of us.’  
  
Carrie brightened, bouncing up and down in place. ‘We saw a house that had a _tree house_!’ she squealed gleefully, as though that was the most magical thing that she had ever seen. ‘It was the bestest house.’ Then her smile faded a little. ‘But it gots no basement.’  
  
And that, apparently, removed said house from the running altogether. Then she looked up at her mother and stage-whispered, ‘I gotta go potty.’ I stepped aside and pointed the way, and Misty took her off to the bathroom. I turned back and found the most stricken look on Duo’s face.  
  
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked softly.  
  
His eyes flicked to meet mine and his voice was unnaturally husky. ‘Damnit, Heero… I didn’t want her scarred with this. I tried so hard to make things all right… I…’  
  
I didn’t know what to say to him, but before I could even begin to speak, the forgotten Justin was there; unexpected comfort coming from an unexpected quarter.  
  
‘Duo… Good Lord, man, you couldn’t have done more than you did.’ Duo turned from me to look up at Carrie’s father, his eyes confused. ‘They recommended at the hospital that we take her in for counseling. Hell; she didn’t fucking _need_ any. You brought her through a tornado…’ He faltered, searching for words. ‘She doesn’t even have bad dreams.’  
  
He came closer, sitting on the coffee table where Misty had been, nearer eye level with Duo. ‘You saved her life,’ he told Duo thickly. ‘You saved our little girl. And somehow… you kept her from being afraid through the whole damn thing.’  
  
So, maybe Justin wasn’t such an asshole after all.  
  
Duo moved to touch Justin’s knee, and then thought better of it. ‘I didn’t do anything…’ he began, but Justin almost looked angry.  
  
‘Don’t belittle it, Duo.’ He looked away from us, this kind of emotion obviously awkward for him. ‘The counselor said he’d like to talk to…’Unca Duo’ some day. To find out how in the hell you brought a four year old through… _that_ … without so much as a nervous twitch.’  
  
Duo ducked his head and flushed. ‘I just… told her stories and… explained things. I didn’t really…’ he floundered and flushed darker.  
  
‘Thank you,’ Justin blurted suddenly.  
  
‘You’re… you’re welcome,’ Duo responded and an awkward silence ensued. I was just considering breaking it with something lame, like offering drinks, when Carrie burst back into the room and more than filled it.  
  
‘You gots weird stuff in your bafroom, Unca Duo!’ Carrie squealed and beside us, Justin blanched.  
  
Duo just ignored him and smiled at Carrie. ‘That’s so I can take showers with my cast on, poppet.’  
  
The look on Justin’s face was really rather priceless, running the gambit from relief to embarrassment. I do not even want to know what he _thought_ she was talking about.  
  
‘You gots a _cast_ Unca Duo?’ she asked, wide eyed and of course the afghan had to be peeled back so she could see it.  
  
‘What’s it for, Unca Duo?’ she breathed, awed by the thing.  
  
‘Just to make my leg itch.’ Duo grinned and made silly little scratching motions until she giggled.  
  
Then she looked him over somewhat curiously. ‘Mommy says I can’t hug you, Unca Duo.’ There was a plaintive note in her voice and I shifted a little closer, half expecting Duo to let her, just to make her feel better.  
  
‘Not for a while yet, munchkin. Unca Duo has a couple of… boo-boos.’ Then he grinned at her and stuck his hand out. ‘But we can hug hands.’  
  
She giggled some more and grabbed his hand with both of hers and squeezed tight while Duo pretended that she was crushing his fingers.  
  
He is a master of misdirection and distraction, and maybe Justin couldn’t understand how Duo could have kept his daughter from being frightened, but I could.  
  
She babbled to him for a while about living with her Aunt and cousins, about Bernie getting in trouble for digging in the Aunt’s flowerbed. About how her Aunt had looked at Dirt one morning and then spit coffee all over herself. Duo got a glare from Misty at that point in the story, but he just grinned at her, unabashed.   
  
He had been up for some time before their arrival, and I knew he had to be getting tired. We had kept the hospital bed after all, and he napped there when he wanted to rest during the day. I needed to get him back into it and off his back soon. I was trying to think of a way to politely get them to leave, when Duo surprised me by reaching out and taping Carrie gently on the end of the nose.  
  
‘You’re going to have to save some stories for the next time you visit, munchkin. It’s almost time for my nap.’  
  
‘You gots to take a nap?’ she asked, incredulous; the thread of the meandering story forgotten.  
  
He grinned at her, lowering his voice to tell her conspiratorially, ‘Yep. Uncle Heero makes me.’  
  
She looked up at me for confirmation, and since Duo had involved me in his little game, I nodded sadly and told her. ‘He was bad. He didn’t take his medicine.’  
  
The laugh I got from Duo was delighted and real, and I was shocked at how much I had been missing the sound.  
  
Justin took Carrie in hand then, getting her jacket on her while Misty came and tearily said her own thank yous to an uncomfortable Duo. Then they were finally leaving, though I suppose, truth be told, they hadn’t been there all that long.  
  
‘Bye, Unca Duo!’ Carrie called over her father’s shoulder, and waved.  
  
‘Bye, Princess,’ Duo said wearily. ‘Be a good girl and give Bernie a hug for me.’  
  
Carrie giggled and waved again. At the last minute, Misty turned and grinned at Duo, shaking her head. ‘You’d make somebody a good mommy, Duo Maxwell.’  
  
He just snorted and then the door was shut and we were alone again. I waited for the pain to come into his eyes. I couldn’t believe she had said that to him. I waited, but it didn’t happen. He smiled up at me, the comment already forgotten, his eyes looking heavy lidded.   
  
‘Help me to bed, love?’ he asked softly.  
  
‘Of course,’ I replied and got him up and across the room.  
  
He was asleep within a matter of minutes. I settled myself on the couch and watched him for a while, puzzling over it. I wasn’t complaining, I didn’t _want_ to see him hurt, but his lack of reaction surprised me. His yearning for children of our own was something that he had never quite gotten over. I would have expected the remark to have stung. Especially now, while he was still dealing with the emotional upheaval the drugs always caused in him. When I thought about the visit, Duo’s reaction to Carrie in general was pretty atypical. He always put her first, and I had half expected him to let her hug him, enduring the pain just to reassure her that he was all right. I had been expecting to have to intervene and make her leave him alone so that he could rest. It had surprised me when he had called a halt to the visit himself. There was something subtly different about his interaction with the child, and I couldn’t quite place my finger on it.   
  
I moved silently around the apartment, cleaning up, looking to make sure we had something thawed for dinner, refrigerating the massive amounts of cookies that Misty had brought and I really didn’t know what to do with. I changed the sheets on our bed and gathered a basketful of laundry for later. Busy work; things that could have waited. But my mind kept looping back around to the interchange between Duo and Carrie. What had been different? He had still doted on her, still conversed with her almost exclusively, ignoring the adults in the room as though they hadn’t existed. He had smiled at her and laughed with her, and otherwise had shown that he was as fond of her as he had ever been. But there was something in his eyes that hadn’t been the same. What was it? What had been missing?  
  
It came to me, almost an hour later, standing over his sleeping form, watching him breathe. I had one of his quilts tucked in around him, and it put me in mind of a conversation we’d shared years ago while he had worked on the quilt he gave to Carrie when she was born. We had talked about children, talked about his wanting one of our own. I’ll remember the hunger in his eyes as he spoke of it, as long as I live. He had allowed me to see his need, naked and full strength, just that one time. Then he had buried it away, filed under ‘impossible’, and we never really spoken of it again. But the ghost of that need came back to his eyes whenever he was around Carrie or any other small child. And that was what was missing… he had looked at Carrie, laughed with Carrie… and the hunger never awoke in his eyes. I wasn’t sure what to think.  
  
I helped him to the bathroom when he woke, settling him on the couch afterward, where he resumed his shopping while I fixed dinner. We ate a light meal of chicken and rice… with cookies for dessert.  
  
He was receptive to letting me sit behind him again, his lower back supported with a thin cushion. We took a little time to surf the net and find the web site for the museum and I ordered the replacement panther that I had promised Carrie. When I told Duo the story of how I had come to make that pledge, he positively glowed and looked a little further, finding that the site had a stuffed wolf as well, and of course we had to order it too. I reassured him that I was sure we could find a hawk and a dragon before Christmas.  
  
He had to rest for a bit then, and he let himself relax back against me. I ached to wrap my arms around him, to hold him tight and close. I could feel the muscles in his back spasming uncontrollably against me. I took his right hand in mine and held it tightly until the spell passed. He sighed heavily, but didn’t speak of it.   
  
‘Duo?’ I said softly against the top of his head, ‘is everything all right?’  
  
‘I’m fine,’ he sighed, squeezing my hand.  
  
‘You seemed… strange… this afternoon.’ I fished around for words, struggling for the right concept.  
  
‘Stranger than normal?’ he teased, but I wouldn’t be distracted.  
  
‘When Carrie was here… things seemed… different,’ I poked a little more, hoping he would work with me a little bit.  
  
‘I don’t understand,’ he said, not making things any easier for me.  
  
‘Duo,’ I blurted, ‘it breaks my heart to see you with children… you’re always so… full of yearning… but today…’ I broke it off, wishing I’d not even spoken.  
  
He chuckled lightly, nuzzling his head back against my cheek. But when he finally spoke, it wasn’t any where near what I thought he would say.  
  
‘Do you remember Makoto Ito?’ he said wistfully.  
  
I snorted. ‘How could I forget?’ I wasn’t sure what bearing this had on the present topic, but was willing to wait for him to work his way around to it.  
  
He let his head rest against my shoulder, wrapping his good arm around my raised knee. ‘When I first met him…on that mission,’ no need to mention _which_ mission, ‘we had to spend the night hiding out in that sewer together.’  
  
I repressed a shiver and put my hand on his shoulder, gently massaging. We had not talked all that much about that mission, after that first argument. It wasn’t a subject that either of us had been able to give any emotional distance to at the time, and in the intervening years it had not come up all that often.  
  
‘We talked… a lot.’ His eyes closed and his voice became thoughtful.  
  
It was one of those moods; the ones that didn’t overtake him all that often, but always afforded me rare glimpses into his past; into his mind.  
  
He chuckled. ‘The caffeine pills were upsetting him… a great deal. I had to tell him a little bit about the… nightmares.’  
  
Nightmares. Such a mild sounding word for the screaming night terrors that used to overtake him. My hand left his shoulder and moved to stroke tenderly across his cheek.  
  
‘He was pretty freaked out that he had just leaped into the pit of no return with a raving madman.’ He grinned in remembrance and I chuckled lightly along with him.  
  
‘He kept trying to convince me to go to sleep.’ His eyes blinked open and he tilted his head to look up at me. ‘He was a… persistent old guy; kept at me about what circumstances would allow me to sleep.’  
  
He turned his head away, the position obviously difficult to hold. I felt the muscles around his upper body wound go into spasm again. He got quiet until the spell passed. I frowned; I had not known about these obviously painful attacks, but he picked up the thread of the story before I could speak.  
  
‘I had to try to explain… _you_.’ His smile grew warm and affectionate. ‘And he explained the term ‘soul mate’ to me.’  
  
He twisted to look at me again. ‘I more than knew the feeling… but I’d never heard the term for it.’  
  
I leaned down until I could brush his lips with mine, overwhelmed with a sudden sense of … completion? Connection? Union? Soul mates… a very apt description. One soul mated eternally with the other. I shivered.  
  
He had to let his head fall back on my shoulder again. ‘He spoke of his wife…of understanding how I felt.’ A hint of a frown crossed his face and he closed his eyes again. ‘He told me she’d died… I think she’d been dead ten years at the time he told me about it. I… I couldn’t understand how…’ The frown deepened. ‘I didn’t understand how he could have gone on… without her.’  
  
I took him by the shoulders and held him; the best I could manage. He was dancing around the edges of something we had spoken of only once… a very long time ago. I couldn’t bear to think about it, much less talk about it. I remembered the feelings I’d had in the waiting room at the hospital, understanding that there really, truly was no going on without him.  
  
‘They had children,’ he said after a long pause. ‘He told me that was how he had carried on. He had other ties by the time he… lost her.’  
  
We were coming back around to the original subject, I’d had faith that he would get there eventually, but I hadn’t seen this coming.  
  
There was another long pause, and I kissed the side of his face and waited. His voice when it came at last was very soft.  
  
‘I figured out… at the bottom of those stairs, why I wanted a child so badly.’ He didn’t open his eyes while he spoke. ‘I wanted you to have an anchor. I wanted to hold you to life.’  
  
My gut clenched and my heart felt like it faltered in my chest.  
  
‘We swore we would never ask each other to go on alone,’ he sighed. ‘I… I almost did… in that ambulance. It tears at me, thinking about. But… I figured out that I don’t have that right. No more than you would have the right to ask me…’  
  
‘No more,’ I quavered. ‘Please… I… understand. But I don’t want to talk about it any more. I can’t…’  
  
The loving smile came back to his face, even if it was tinged with a little sadness. ‘It’s all right. There’s nothing more to discuss. We both know our own hearts. But no more desperately wanting a child… you’re enough for me.’  
  
‘I love you… so _damn_ much,’ I told him huskily.  
  
‘With all my heart and soul,’ he responded and lacing his fingers with mine, fell asleep against my chest.  
  
-End of Guardian Spirits-


End file.
